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A Cure For Swearing

#1
Ok you cunts,

I would never say that I swear too much, more that the people around me don't swear enough.

This is fine, I let them off, but as I get older and keep getting barred from pubs, for no other reason than I emphasise every sylable with a swear word, I think it's about time I gave in to these cunts.

I just wonder, if there are any ex squadies out there who can teach me how to integrate with normal people, without using violence or swearing, please tell me how to do it.

Is it possible to delete Army humour and language poisoning from my tiny little fucking head? can it be done?

This is a genuine question. Is there a cure for swearing and filthy humour???

So, I throw the question to the floor, my fellow arsers.

Next topic is my alcoholism.
You Cunts
 
#7
Give the missus a pound for every swear word. It'l soon dry them up :) or your wallet...
A swear box is no use. 'Ah, Fuck,' after you cut yourself (£2), 'Shite!' after you realise you need to pay for swearing (£1.50), 'Bollocks' when you drop the £3.50 from your wallet (£1), 'Where is that fucking tin?' when the missus moved it (£2) 'Oh for fuck's fucking sake!' as the frustration builds up after you miss the slot on top of the tin and your change rolls across the floor (£4).

A final 'Fuck this, I'm going to the fucking pub,' followed by tearing the tin open with a can opener and leaving the shelving you were supposed to put up until next week.

Stupid invention.
 
#8
A swear box is no use. 'Ah, Fuck,' after you cut yourself (£2), 'Shite!' after you realise you need to pay for swearing (£1.50), 'Bollocks' when you drop the £3.50 from your wallet (£1), 'Where is that fucking tin?' when the missus moved it (£2) 'Oh for fuck's fucking sake!' as the frustration builds up after you miss the slot on top of the tin and your change rolls across the floor (£4).

A final 'Fuck this, I'm going to the fucking pub,' followed by tearing the tin open with a can opener and leaving the shelving you were supposed to put up until next week.

Stupid invention.
Gashing your fucking thumb on the cunting tin before raking your twatting shin on the still flatpacked fucking shelves on the way out. And there's no bastard sticky plasters either. I feel your *expletive deleted* pain.
 
#9
This may seem a little far fetched but do bear with me:

Have you considered devoting your life to science with a specific focus on quantum mechanics. You should probably get a part time job during this phase to pay for food and water whilst you study use this link:

- UK job search: Find jobs, build a career. It -

Eventually, with enough study, you will gain expertise in the study of time travel. If you have been working hard in your part time job that I helped you to get then you will have saved up enough money to buy parts for a time machine which you will be able to construct.

Use the time machine to go back to the night of your conseption and show your father a printout of your origional post. upon realising what he is about to produce, your father is likely to slit his throat. At this point, to avoid her wasting a perfectly good bottle of lube, you can fuck your mother sensless and It will be OK because technically you are not yet related.

Oh and can I have a winning lottery ticket for this weekend? I did get you a job and laid...
 
#10
Next topic is my alcoholism.
Oh goody, it's my second favourite subject!

I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for nearly four years now. They say A.A. is the only organisation in the World where you can hear the words "Fuck" and "God" in the same sentence and no cunt bats an eyelid.

A.A. also has more than it's fair share of ex military in there, for some strange reason, even a few RAF nobbers, but we don't speak to them. We've even got a couple of ex Rodneys; who would've thought they could possibly be alkies?

I can't help you with your swearing problem though.
 
#12
Gashing your fucking thumb on the cunting tin before raking your twatting shin on the still flatpacked fucking shelves on the way out. And there's no bastard sticky plasters either. I feel your *expletive deleted* pain.
Thank fuck I'm not the only poor cunt, there must be more of us, Dae It Yersel always ends in tears, especially when fucking wimmin start getting arsey.

Incredibly simple tasks such as 'Hold the tape there,' 'Keep this straight,' 'Pass the masonry drill,' and other easy things usually end up with a trip to A&E with severe bloodloss, broken toes and drill bits that have decided to lodge themselves in thumbnails.

Or the old classic as you sit down covered in paste, plaster, paint, sweat, blood and tears and she goes, 'I don't like the design/shape/colour/fabric...' Usually this then leads to you rushing forward to fucking throttle her only to belt the paint tin with your shin, cream your cheekbone into the door handles lying on the floor and bring your arm to rest on half a meter of fucking carpet tacks.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#13
Thank fuck I'm not the only poor cunt, there must be more of us, Dae It Yersel always ends in tears, especially when fucking wimmin start getting arsey.

Incredibly simple tasks such as 'Hold the tape there,' 'Keep this straight,' 'Pass the masonry drill,' and other easy things usually end up with a trip to A&E with severe bloodloss, broken toes and drill bits that have decided to lodge themselves in thumbnails.

Or the old classic as you sit down covered in paste, plaster, paint, sweat, blood and tears and she goes, 'I don't like the design/shape/colour/fabric...' Usually this then leads to you rushing forward to fucking throttle her only to belt the paint tin with your shin, cream your cheekbone into the door handles lying on the floor and bring your arm to rest on half a meter of fucking carpet tacks.
Why not let Jesus into your heart? With Jesus in your heart you will not swear and simple household tasks will become... well, simple. Join us online and bring the kids!!!

Family Worship Center – FWC That Church
 
#16
Learn to swear in Russian. This has many advantages, you won't get thrown out of pubs as they won't know what you are saying. Russian swearing sounds awesome, you can happily swear while there is пизда about and you sound dead hard.

Disadvantages include being chopped into tiny little pieces and fed to the fish by any Georgians/Chechens in hearing distance.
 
#17
Aversion therapy is the answer. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and ping yourself with it every time you swear. It this isn't sufficient aversion for you then try it with the rubber band around your neck. Other alternatives are to poke yourself in the eye or to stab your leg with a fork. Cursing and cussing aftterwards has to lead to further self punishment.

If this doesn't work for you then you must be a particularly difficult case. Then the drastic measure has to be to get yourself dianosed as having tourettes syndrome and let everyone suffer the consequences. If people try to chuck you out of pubs afterwards you can take action against them for discrimination against disabled people.
 
#18
This is a genuine question. Is there a cure for swearing and filthy humour???
Your not turning in to a lesbian feminist burn the bra social worker?
Or a pc run of the mill 9 to 5 church going 1 shag a week do gooder?

If you do kill yourself doing it quickly, neatly & quietly you sad fucker!
 
#19
Don't feckin ask me. There was a note in the London Irish program asking men to mind their language, I told them that wimmin swear too especially when Irish lose the ball and some refereeing crap descions
 
#20
Swear in Afrikaans. Only the Flems and Cloggies will understand and they'll be too busy laughing at your accent to pay much attention to the rude words. Like Russian, it's a good language in which to swear.
 

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