A Cure For Swearing

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by swampypants, Oct 31, 2012.

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  1. Ok you cunts,

    I would never say that I swear too much, more that the people around me don't swear enough.

    This is fine, I let them off, but as I get older and keep getting barred from pubs, for no other reason than I emphasise every sylable with a swear word, I think it's about time I gave in to these cunts.

    I just wonder, if there are any ex squadies out there who can teach me how to integrate with normal people, without using violence or swearing, please tell me how to do it.

    Is it possible to delete Army humour and language poisoning from my tiny little fucking head? can it be done?

    This is a genuine question. Is there a cure for swearing and filthy humour???

    So, I throw the question to the floor, my fellow arsers.

    Next topic is my alcoholism.
    You Cunts
  2. Kill yourself you boring fibbing cunt.
  3. I don't much like the cut of yor jib, young man. It makes me jolly cross.
  4. You're cured! Not a naughty word in that post, congratulations.
    To prevent a relapse, try engaging your brain before letting your mouth run.
    • Like Like x 2
  5. That's better.
  6. Give the missus a pound for every swear word. It'l soon dry them up :) or your wallet...
  7. A swear box is no use. 'Ah, Fuck,' after you cut yourself (£2), 'Shite!' after you realise you need to pay for swearing (£1.50), 'Bollocks' when you drop the £3.50 from your wallet (£1), 'Where is that fucking tin?' when the missus moved it (£2) 'Oh for fuck's fucking sake!' as the frustration builds up after you miss the slot on top of the tin and your change rolls across the floor (£4).

    A final 'Fuck this, I'm going to the fucking pub,' followed by tearing the tin open with a can opener and leaving the shelving you were supposed to put up until next week.

    Stupid invention.
    • Like Like x 3
  8. Gashing your fucking thumb on the cunting tin before raking your twatting shin on the still flatpacked fucking shelves on the way out. And there's no bastard sticky plasters either. I feel your *expletive deleted* pain.
  9. This may seem a little far fetched but do bear with me:

    Have you considered devoting your life to science with a specific focus on quantum mechanics. You should probably get a part time job during this phase to pay for food and water whilst you study use this link:

    - UK job search: Find jobs, build a career. It -

    Eventually, with enough study, you will gain expertise in the study of time travel. If you have been working hard in your part time job that I helped you to get then you will have saved up enough money to buy parts for a time machine which you will be able to construct.

    Use the time machine to go back to the night of your conseption and show your father a printout of your origional post. upon realising what he is about to produce, your father is likely to slit his throat. At this point, to avoid her wasting a perfectly good bottle of lube, you can fuck your mother sensless and It will be OK because technically you are not yet related.

    Oh and can I have a winning lottery ticket for this weekend? I did get you a job and laid...
  10. Oh goody, it's my second favourite subject!

    I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for nearly four years now. They say A.A. is the only organisation in the World where you can hear the words "Fuck" and "God" in the same sentence and no cunt bats an eyelid.

    A.A. also has more than it's fair share of ex military in there, for some strange reason, even a few RAF nobbers, but we don't speak to them. We've even got a couple of ex Rodneys; who would've thought they could possibly be alkies?

    I can't help you with your swearing problem though.
  11. ,
    And I care little for the cut of yous, young Swampypants, but then I have a place within the lifeboat.
  12. Thank fuck I'm not the only poor cunt, there must be more of us, Dae It Yersel always ends in tears, especially when fucking wimmin start getting arsey.

    Incredibly simple tasks such as 'Hold the tape there,' 'Keep this straight,' 'Pass the masonry drill,' and other easy things usually end up with a trip to A&E with severe bloodloss, broken toes and drill bits that have decided to lodge themselves in thumbnails.

    Or the old classic as you sit down covered in paste, plaster, paint, sweat, blood and tears and she goes, 'I don't like the design/shape/colour/fabric...' Usually this then leads to you rushing forward to fucking throttle her only to belt the paint tin with your shin, cream your cheekbone into the door handles lying on the floor and bring your arm to rest on half a meter of fucking carpet tacks.
    • Like Like x 2
  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Why not let Jesus into your heart? With Jesus in your heart you will not swear and simple household tasks will become... well, simple. Join us online and bring the kids!!!

    Family Worship Center – FWC That Church

  14. My missus has already dried up and i dont swear (much)
  15. Ah. The RAF at AA.

    They've been turning the flower of youth into alcoholics since 1918