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A Chav Nativity

#1
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Naz-ref
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Wot yoo lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah! I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?
'It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'

Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, mate. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Naz-ref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella
 
#3
Say, that could be our new national sport. Move aside football, cricket, rugby and even the time honoured tradition that is Twister. Chav Spawn Killing here we come!

The streets of Britain would reverberate to the joyous yells, as dear old Granny mows down an unsuspecting group outside the local off-licence. How Mum would laugh as Uncle Tim's toupee keeps falling off when he fires the anti-tank missile.

And by old Saint George himself, we'd actually be good at something in the Olympics.

EDIT: Damn drink, making me mince my words.
 
#5
You can shove your chav nav.

Queen Sluggy is apparently in charge.

I hereby declare every day a "Pink Fizzy Wine" day, and you all must eat orange tic tacs.

So sayeth the Queen.

Until the "so-called husband of" Good CO says "this is a sticky dog toffee thread and should ergo be culled".

The End.

Queen Slug xxx
 
#6
The_Snail said:
You can shove your chav nav.

Queen Sluggy is apparently in charge.

I hereby declare every day a "Pink Fizzy Wine" day, and you all must eat orange tic tacs.

So sayeth the Queen.

Until the "so-called husband of" Good CO says "this is a sticky dog toffee thread and should ergo be culled".

The End.

Queen Slug xxx
All hail the slug
 

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