A callous act of treachery!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Oct 27, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. This evening I cooked my Thai chicken and green been dish. One of the elements of the dish is eight bird's eye chillis, chopped incredibly finely.

    The secret to getting the maximum heat in the dish is to chop the evil little bastards very very finely indeed. This then means that the threat from random scraps of chilli goes up to black, special! You have not really considered "discomfort" as being more than pins and needles I suggest, if you have not managed to lose a wafer-thin, sliver of bird's eye chilli under your monk's hood. Needless to say i practised full decontamination drills, including washing my hands in milk.

    It seemed all was well but later in the evening a micro-scrap managed to leap from under the finger-nail it was hiding beneath and into my foreskin. This caused me some discomfort (see above) but it also made me curious.

    Gentlemen, I can assure you that a micro-scrap of chilli concealed under the foreskin can be got rid of easily by the simple expedient of shoving your old chap into a friendly passing lady's front bottom. I can also assure you that the irritant and heated effects are transmitted as well and the friendliness of the lady in question may be somewhat shortlived...

    Now I was pretty sure that would happen. However I was also pretty sure, and indeed it turned out I was right, that I really didn't mind. She's off to the seaside for the rest of half term while I remain here responsible for my own rations, sexual pleasures etc. and go to work. So I really didn't give a hoot. Callous treachery seems a bit harsh for what was merely a mild practical joke involving the surreptitious insertion of a burning hot vegetable fragment into a lady's tenderest parts, just as they have been tenderised further by the pigskin mallet of pleasure. Yet it also seems eminently accurate.

    As a by-product of this mild jape, I offer this advice. If in the future you have a target for a hate fuck, don't forget to pop a chilli fragment under your old chap's poloneck. Live a little!
  2. Ha Ha, you shag kids !
  3. I bet that sort of fiery vegetable japery wouldn't bother THIS woman:

    YouTube - Chilli record attempt in India , Reuters ,Rana Deol

    (BTW, if you want a more satisfying warmth, try whisky or brandy on your bell-end, ladies' 'panic button' or just sloshed up the flue pre-shag. It produces the most enjoyable warming effect - try it!)
  4. Blended or single malt?
  5. To be honest I don't think either goes with fish.
  6. Cudds,does this mean you will now stop playing pocket billiards in the kitchen?
  7. Of course not. I like to put "a little something of myself" in every dish I prepare...as Michel Roux suggested he did the other day on Masterchef. However I suspect his personalising of dishes is somewhat more aesthetic than erm...mechanical?

    Oh and SUNRAY MINOR? Cock off you twunt.
  8. Oh come on it was late, you were drunk, it could have been beautiful. X
  9. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke On ROPs Book Reviewer

    Case for the prosecution rests. Thank you M'Lud.
  10. Objection! argumentative M'lud, no witnesses.