A Blagger's Guide to the Olympics

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  1. Shamelessly stolen from Rum Ration but it's written by a mate of mine. F***y you utter legend!



    A Blaggers guide to the Olympics

    L/Cpl F***, Y Sqn, 30 Cdo IX Gp RM
    ...
    As I am writing this article, partly as an act of penitence, for reasons that shall become clearer later in this article, I wish to extend an apology to those Royal Marines who were separated from their loved ones for a period of time during the 2012 Games. This article is not intended to rub your faces in it, rather just spin a few dits from a master blagger, which I hope you will find hoofing, and in keeping with the Commando spirit and ethos.

    The story begins back at Stonehouse, with the majority of 30 Cdo “looking forward” to Mountain Training in North Wales. Obviously we had seen the news regarding the G4S (“Grateful 4 Soldiers”) recruitment debacle, but had not foreseen a possible deployment to the Olympics for ourselves. “Remain flexible” was all we were told in true Pusser’s fashion. I’m sure you can all imagine the groans of disappointment that went around upon being told that Mountain Training was cancelled, although rumours that OC and 2IC SRS were inconsolable remain unconfirmed. And so off to Longmoor Camp we went, to complete a two-day training package on gate security. During this period we were fortunate to have the likes of C/Sgts R***** “Lou” D****** and M*** “Andy” S*** showing us how to deal with the disabled. Some would say that they took to their roles rather too naturally…

    Following our training, 30 Cdo deployed to Hainault Camp, and the Snoozebox accommodation there. A mere 25-minute coach journey from the main park, it provided adequate facilities from where to deploy to put our new found skills to the test, but not before WO2 T******, and CSgt N***** showed some of the younger lads how to have a good time…….but as they say what happens on tour, stays on tour. Split down into two troops, each worked a day about, with the other day as a stand-down, so we could enjoy the Olympics, and hopefully get to see a few events.

    It was on my first day of work that I carried out my first “blag”. During my two hour stand down, I thought I would try to watch some of the Hockey games. As I walked through the park, I found myself walking behind the middle-distance running legend that was Lord Coe, a personal idol of mine. Thinking that I might be able to pretend that I was part of his Security detail, I decided to tag on to the back of his party. As we approached the Hockey park, I realised that I probably wouldn’t be able to pull this off, and so I decided to “grow a set”, and just go for it. The conversation went well, and I knew I was breaking with protocol, but hey nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say, and so I asked him if he could help me to get a ticket. His assistants took my number, and I expected to hear nothing more.

    The next day I received a phone call from Lord Coe’s Office, telling me to go to the Hilton Hotel to collect my ticket. Upon opening the envelope handed to me, I discovered a ticket with a face value of £295 for the evening session. Proffers Royal!!!! The evening session couldn’t come quickly enough. Upon entering the park I had the good fortune to encounter Caroline Kluft, a Swedish former Olympic Champion at the Heptathlon, cue photo opportunity. Entering the stadium, I couldn’t believe my good fortune in finding my seat to be approximately 50m away from the 100m Start Line, which had a particular benefit as the women were running the 100m metres that night. I was fortunate to find myself sat with a number of the athletes’ agents, who between them managed the likes of Justin Gatlin (US Sprinter), David Rudisha (800m World Record Holder) and Bernard Lagat (Olympic 1500m Silver Medallist, and runner of second fastest 1500m ever), and the legendary Haile Gebreselassie and Kenenisa Bekele. The commentary and dits I had beat the BBC hands down. To say that the end of the athletics was the end of a good night was incorrect.

    At the end, after soaking up the atmosphere, I suddenly realised just how empty the stadium had become. I realised that this was my moment, my moment of Olympic glory. Upon getting onto the track I realised that people were happy for a bootneck in rig to be on the track. I entered the blocks……I psyched myself up, and I was off…….despite wearing boots combat high, I won. To say that you are the reigning “Mens’ Olympic Champion for the 100m, whilst dressed in Bootneck rig”, whilst simultaneously holding the World Record is great, and I look forward to being invited to Rio in 2016, to defend my title.

    You would think that would prove to be the highlight of my Games, but it wasn’t to be. The next night, we were let into the stadium to support Jess Ennis and Mo Farah in the Heptathlon and 10,000m respectively. The atmosphere was electric and there was a sense of impending glory and of history being made. We weren’t to be disappointed: following Farah’s victory in the last race of the night, I made my way downstairs. Before I knew it I found myself underneath the Stadium. When asked what I was doing there, I cuffed it, and simply replied that I was writing an article for the Royal Marines Magazine, the Globe and Laurel, and in I went. Before I knew it, I found myself in the press conference for the Olympic Long Jump, and getting a few cheeky snaps, before being asked to leave, as I didn’t have the correct Press Accreditation, but that I could get some if I let the woman radio through. Better not push my luck too far, I thought.

    I discovered that as soon as you had got through the main security cordon, no-one asked you for I.D., as they assumed you were allowed in there. Happy days I thought, I’m not being asked to leave, and so I’ll hang around for a bit. As I passed through Doping Control, I saw Mo Farah giving a post-race interview in the tunnel. This was it, I had to do it. Making my way around to him, I caught him just as he finished giving interviews. His escort allowed me to have one photo with him, which he was more than happy to do, before he said these immortal words to me “Wow, Royal Marines, I want to wear your hat”, and before I could correct him, he had it off, and on his head. It was at this point that the world’s press, who had been covering his post-race interviews, realised what a great photo opportunity this was, switched arcs, and snapped away. At this point I thought “This is hoofing, but I’m now in the sh*t, as I’m not even supposed to be here”, oh well, what’s the worst they can to do to me? Get me pregnant? How often do you have the British Olympic 10,000m Champion wearing your lid 10 minutes after he won the Olympic title?! As I still hadn’t been asked to leave, I thought, “Hell, let’s see what else I can blag”.

    Hanging around underneath I found the great and the good passing by and took the opportunity to get my photo taken with (in no particular order) Brendan Foster (Long Distance running legend, and BBC commentator), Colin Jackson, and Denise Lewis. Making my way to Doping Control again, I met a number of athletes and got photos with the Silver medallists in the Long Jump, Womens 100m, bronze medallist in the 10000m, and Chris Thompson, the other British representative in the 10000m, who is a top bloke, and spent a good 10 minutes talking to me. And then the prize catch, a certain Jessica Ennis (although by the time this is printed, she may well be a ‘Dame’). At this point I must quash rumours that I offered to hold the cup for her.

    Of course I was caught out in the end, and knew I was for the high jump, which is ironic, as it was the one event I didn’t blag my way into see. Standing in front of a stern looking RAF Wing Commander the next day, I merely told him the truth of what I had done the previous night, that I had told anyone who challenged me that I was writing an article for the Globe and Laurel and I had got in everywhere. And this article, fellow Royals, is my penitence. I had a good run at blagging it and got away with murder but I was a King for a Day and it felt good. As Cpl L*** “The Slerret” M******* pointed out, had I been any jammier, I would have ended up with the Starting Pistol in my hands for the start of the Men’s 100m Final. Now where is that invite for the 2016 Games to defend my Olympic title, and World Record???
     
    • Like Like x 13
  2. Run Forrest, Run.
     
  3. Brilliant.
    Well done Royal.
     
  4. Excellent
     
  5. Anyone else smell Haddock?
     
  6. I'm getting Cod!
     
  7. I know f...y well- the shit at uckers fucker!!!
     
  8. I never saw you "brown nosing" Sir Mo on the old telly box.
     
  9. Brotherton Lad

    Brotherton Lad LE Reviewer

    O, ye of little faith:

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    • Like Like x 2