A bit of humour thrown in!

#1
English Gunner, Jock Gunner and Welsh Gunner standing in a bar.

English Gunner says: My wife is so thick. She's just bought a car and she doesn't drive.

Jock Gunner says: Think that's bad? My wife has just paid for a swimming pool to be built in the back garden and she doesn't swim.

Welsh Gunner thinks for a while: I can beat that, my wife has just gone to Greece on holiday. She's taken 50 condoms with her and she doesn't even have a c0ck...
 
#3
Two welsh gunners are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
#5
a bloke stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax.

He noticed a man in an Army uniform who spoke with a welsh accent next to him ordering a short and a beer. The man drank the short, chased it with beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the blokes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, it's time to head home!"
 
#6
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
 
#7
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her.
 
#8
2 Soldiers are walking home when they see a small child being attacked by a huge dog, quick as a flash they rush over and beat the dog away saving the child.

A witness sees the attack and rushes over

“My god,” the man says “That was the bravest thing I have ever seen. I’m a reporter for The Sun and I’m going to write a story about you”

He gets out his pen and quickly scribbles down



Boy saved by Courageous Sailors



“No sorry mate were not in the Navy” one of the soldiers says

“Oh sorry” the journalist says and quickly scribbles some more



Child snatched from jaws of death by brave airman



“Err mate,” the other soldier says, “we’re not RAF either, we’re in the army”

“Oh right , no probs” says the newsman as he crosses out the last headline, “here we go”




ARMY SHAME: Beloved pet kicked to death by heartless drunken squaddies
 
#9
wellyhead said:
2 Soldiers are walking home when they see a small child being attacked by a huge dog, quick as a flash they rush over and beat the dog away saving the child.

A witness sees the attack and rushes over

“My god,” the man says “That was the bravest thing I have ever seen. I’m a reporter for The Sun and I’m going to write a story about you”

He gets out his pen and quickly scribbles down



Boy saved by Courageous Sailors



“No sorry mate were not in the Navy” one of the soldiers says

“Oh sorry” the journalist says and quickly scribbles some more



Child snatched from jaws of death by brave airman



“Err mate,” the other soldier says, “we’re not RAF either, we’re in the army”

“Oh right , no probs” says the newsman as he crosses out the last headline, “here we go”




ARMY SHAME: Beloved pet kicked to death by heartless drunken squaddies
Tommy
I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:
O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";
But it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play,
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play.

I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";
But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,
The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,
O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide.

Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.
Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"
But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll,
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll.

We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;
While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind.

You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the soldier-man's disgrace.
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot;
An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool -- you bet that Tommy sees
 
#10
Irish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off them. Before, they were "the terrorists" but now, they are the "the Riverdance people"
 
#11
Daddy Calling Home
((RING))))
((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

** Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 02914587263??
 
#13
Dread said:
This thread should be re-named "Cr@p jokes from the 1950's"
ok then d*ck head enlighten us with some of your sharp humour then
 
#16
in 1959 a Teddy Boy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.

"Who let you in here? Did you check the mirror before you left the house? Get away from me, you oaf!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order
 
#17
There was this married couple that took there vacation in Jamaica they were walking along the beach and
came upon this little store named Sandals
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican clerk said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.
"Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then
began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!"
 
#18
Black guy walsk into apub with a Parrot on his shoulder.
Barman says "Bilimey, thats impressive - where d'you get that?"

Parrot says " Africa, mate - theres ficking hundresds of them!"
 
#20
englishman,irishman and a scotsman all descussing familys.
englishman says "my son was born on st georges day so i called him george"
scottsman says "what a coincidence my son was born on st andrews day so i called him anderew "
irishman says "i don't believe this wait till i tell our pancake"
 

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