9 ways not to start a police report!

Discussion in 'AGC, RAPTC and SASC' started by BossHogg, Sep 19, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Got this off a Septic Police forum!

    1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

    2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent.

    3. The mayor then made an illegal left-hand turn onto Mulhaney at which point I opened fire.

    4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff.

    5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that, for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind.

    6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.

    7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly.

    8. The suspect first tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist.

    9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
     
  2. 10. Siks munfs ago ah koodnt evn spel miltry pleesman now i r 1.
    11. It was a dark, dark, lonely night and the wind howled through MB 47, Hohne Camp.
    12. You're not going to believe this but....
    13. Don't bother reading the statements....I made them up (Cpl Steve Smith, Minden Det, 115 Pro Coy RMP, circa 1986....the big St Georges Cookhouse theft!)
    14. He's in the REME. He's a Thief. The end.
    15. Right people, heads up....
    16. Yo! My Man!
     
  3. "There I was, right in the middle of a ham shank, when all of a sudden..."
     
  4. I'd just left the pub, and got into the patrol car to head for a kebab.......
     
  5. There I was, banging this Hog when...
     
  6. Once upon a time . . .
     
  7. i was walking in a northernly direction...........
     
  8. I'd just finished getting a gobble off this munter of a pads wife (any holes a goal eh sir?) when ...........
     
  9. 'Twas a dark and stormy night..
     
  10. To mass fires, yes! One hundred stories high. People gettin' loose y’all gettin' down on the roof - Do you hear?...
     
  11. After I parked my car in someones garden I realised I was first on the scene of the Incident..
     
  12. and she appeared at the door asking for d with the biggest snot bubble thatyou have ever seen

    "thats a story for another thread"
     
  13. " At Catterick about 1701 hrs on Fri 21 May 09 as usually the Adj I Thieving Scousers called to inform the Det that he had been dealing with a mass murder involving 250 of his soldiers which happened the previous Sunday, which he heard about first thing Monday, but it had slipped to the bottom of his in tray which he had now cleared before having the weekend off. Would we be awfully nice chaps and **** up our entire week end sorting this out because he promised the CO a finalised case file for Monday? Please be awfully nice chaps and don't bother me over the weekend because I do need my rest days.
     
  14. all characters in this statement are fictitious and any resembelence to real people is purely coincidental
     
  15. Ey kidder!! I resemble that remark :wink: