3 Sh1ts for the price of one

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by Bat_Crab, Aug 15, 2006.

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  1. Have I just had the wierdest turd ever? I chose to eschew the usual thunderbox option (am in Basra) and go back to my accomodation for a posh dump, aside from said turd trying to pierce my ricker with rather more vigour than normal nothing felt unusual, until I sat down:

    - The first third (estimted by mass) was pure liquid horror, like a chocolate laser.

    - The next third was runny and lumpy, I can only liken it to sh1tting out lamb rogan josh, but without the lumps of tomato.

    - The final third was about the thickness of my arm and took at least the next five minutes to dispose of, straining my hoop to the limit and bringing tears to my eyes.

    How does this happen? How can one turd have three so distinct sections to it, surely it should either all be liquid/rogan josh/burmese python, not a mixture of the three? I have been reasonably proud of my sh1t to date out here; plenty of roughage and avoiding the pork vindaloo has blessed me with a series of satisfying, moist, slippery turds. What could possibly have caused this?

    Members of ARRSE, so wise in all things scatalogical, what are your thoughts and, more importantly, has anyone had a wierder turd?
  2. Thats the funniest thing i've heard all day.

    I once had a green coloured shit which lasted a few days- something to do with the organic pita bread sarnie I had.(or so I was later informed by the MO)

    I also used to suffer from a red glowy type shit syndrome. After confiding with my closest 'drinking buddies' they told me they had the same thing happening to them. We narrowed it doen to 'cheeky vimtos' in the boozer.

    No more to date.
  3. No this reminds me of my Paderborn 1984 effort. After three weeks on compo we recovered to Paderborn and had two or three days R&R. With fresh food...

    It was incredible, I hadn't had a poo for three or four days and then suddenly a grip like the hands of Garth clenched my colon. I seated myself on the seat of easement and proceeded to crap out about four pounds of excrement. No I didn't actually weigh it, it was an estimate.

    It lay their on the inspectionplatz which all boxhead aborts have and grinned at me. The foothills were deep choclatey brown, rising up through the lower slopes to a light fawn colour before an almost cream ending and a twisted "classic nipsy" log protruding out of the jeelified poo mass. It was unbelievable and reminded me of those milk chocolate/white chocolate Guylian sweets.

    I grabbed a passing bombardier and instructed him to keep guard on Trap 1 and then went and got the remainder of the Tac Gps and the BC to view my offering. Everyone was impressed and said so. Some however thought I was possibly insane and said so. The BC just shook his head and muttered, "well that's orderly officer for the week we get home taken care off".
  4. Cheeky vimtos and organic pitta bread; you've only got yourself to blame n1c. All I had was a tuna sandwich and roast lamb, hardly the food of satan is it? Maybe it was the blueberry muffin I had for breakfast...

    The problem with going for a posh dump is that I missed the opportunity to share my excreta with my colleagues; good drills cuddles. To be honest I didn't even have a look at it myself, in too much of a hurry to clean up and escape the scene of the crime, schoolboy error.
  5. Dear Bat_Crab, your upper and lower intestines appear to be functioning in the same manner as detonating cord but in reverse (in that the first part of the core turns to concrete if exposed to moisture in order to protect the remainder of your precious organic cargo).

    I must stress that until you have been interviewed by the Land Accident Investigation Team (and possibly Porton Down) you should refrain from smoking whilst releasing otters.

    Meanwhile, I would like to congratulate you on your vivid writing skill and thank you for a most pleasurable mental image which will remain with me for the rest of the day. Your avatar rounded the experience off nicely.

    Strength and honour...well for the last third anyway.
  6. Thank the fcuking Lord that the NAAFI has got back to the serious issues.

    I had one on Flying Falcon 83 that was the same length as my SMG with the butt folded up. I had a Burger King on Telic 1 after a long time on MRE's and Compo and it came flying out of my Dung Trumpet about 40 minutes later with the colour, temp and consistancy of Starbucks coffee.
  7. After 2 weeks in hospital on tramadol (analgesic opiate) after breaking my ankle I went for an easement on the ward toilet. That was a shock.

    At first it was like shi tting out a black (not brown- Coal black!) breeze block which nearly ripped me in half followed by several gallons of yellowy grey liquid that smelt like the drains. It even stained the porcelain of the ward's chod bin for days after. I was dizzy and shivering for 20 minutes afterwards too.
  8. Started to squeeze a turd out once, all going okay. As soon as about an inch worth was clear, there was a liquid explosion. Kinda like a bottle of champers being uncorked.
  9. You cant beat a good old compo special. After a 3 week ex eating compo then geting back to the block for a bit of porcelain & comfy bum. Only to find out you are about to realese a 10lb bowling ball made out of plastercine !!

  10. Those peanut studded three pounders grown on a diet of pork chops and bar snacks are the worst. To avoid having your hoop shredded the offending torpedo needs to be broken off in bits using the handle of the toilet brush while biting down on the towel rail. Unfortunately the only way to get the brush at the correct angle to avoid spearing your kidneys involves leaning over the basin while standing on the laundry bin. This causes screaming by the girlfriend when she finds a basin full of hard brown pellets that smell of Nairobi.

    Spinach gives a slippery greenish semi solid creature that slinks down the plumbing at high speed with minimal discomfort but nothing beats the velvety smoothness and rich paint stripping odour of Guiness Logs.
  11. Hard boiled eggs (lots of) washed down with copious quantities of Carly produce an effect which, if bottled, would contravene the CWC... The stench was pure evil :twisted:

    Grabbing the bogroll and leaping off a moving FV438 whilst undoing the coveralls took some doing, but I made it... The rest of the troop were pissing themselves as the toxic slurry hit the Soltau Trg Area.

    We had a bloke in our Bty who only went once a week... He used to have to use the fire hose to flush it off the "inspection pit" (What is it with German khazis?)
  12. after coming back off a 48 hour exercise with the CCF a mate duly disappeared to avail himself of the only clean facilities nearby(in my block) and spent 15 mins slipping out a monster as thick as my arm. his name was King, it was hence the King shit and before inspection we had to beat it to death. With a stick. It took minutes and we got away with it just in time too
  13. Apparently the viewing shelf is quite common in countries where the locals eat a lot of pork. It's so you can inspect your log for tapeworms.

    When I was younger, I went through a phase of using a lot of chewing gum, and eating the gum instead of chucking it away.

    The resultant mersey trout could only be broken up by jetwasher, which isn't to be recommended in your mate's bathroom. Won't be making that mistake again .....
  14. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    I remember back in 84 as a young LAC just out of trade training I was in the Armourers bar where i proceded to get drunk,nae,totally legless in fact! On a diet of Tennents Heavy,Pickled eggs in Creme-de-Mente followed by a curry on the way back to the block!
    The next day,from what I gather when I came to, had the evilist sh1te known to man! All I remember was a extremly firery ring & a pebbleshing of the trap DIY SOS would've been proud of.It was like sh1ting liquid lava.Since then.I've never had a pickled egg or a funking green alcaholic drink!!