>1. OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, >open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars >are men's work. > >2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to >kids makes you the man. > >3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West? A Barry Hall >tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and >crippling the man. Magic. > >4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here >love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle? > >5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as >you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other >rubbish. > >6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat >on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding >towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone >else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. > >7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. > >8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an >iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh." > >9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been >partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of >your >hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does it >look like?" > >NODDING AT COPPERS. - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to >share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, >"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". > >11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you >need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. > >12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about >that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms." > >13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean >you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of >the pub doesn't know that. > >14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. >Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling. > >15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the >blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are >now your dad. > >16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? > >17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little >changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any >DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. > >18. TAKING OUT Â£600 FROM AN ATM- okay, so it's for paying the plumber >later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing >better is peeling notes off the roll later. > >19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike women, we get >straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Wig and Pen it is then. >Seven. See ya." > >20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do >that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes >you the world's best driver. > >21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in >the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there >in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut >while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. > >22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't >make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain >haemorrhage". > >23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you >mad, woman?"