21st Century Greetings Cards

#1
-Congratulations On Your Illigitimate, Crack-addicted, Mixed Race Child!

-It's Your Tenth ASBO!

-I'm Sorry I Date-Raped You...

-Happy holocaust!

-I Hope The Portugese Police Find Your Missing Child!

-Congratulations On Shoving A Wine-bottle Up Your Fanny On Television!

-You Fucked Calum Best! (again)

-Well Done! You've Managed to Avoid Fucking Callum Best!

-Thanks For Being Shit On The X-Factor Auditions, You Almost Made Me Forget The Death Of My Mother!

-Welcome Back Kids! (mummy won't let them take you into care again).

-You've Been Sectioned!

Additons?
 
#2
YOUR A C*NT, sorry i meant to say happy birthday!

"Happy Birthday Wanker",

Good luck in jail.

congratulations on coming out,

Not many birthdays left now!,

Happy birthday to the office slut
 
#3
Congratulations on a realistic tan.

This week's daddy loves you (in a special way).

Your cancer is nearly as important to me as football.

Happy third liver.
 
#4
Happy Christmas.

HOPE YOU DIE SOON.

XXXXXX
 
#5
sorry i used my brief gas cramps to relate to your period pains,

sorry i can't indicate my sexual desire for morning sex other than humping your back furiously,

happy sweet 16 (or multiple thereof)

congratulations! i never thought you'd live to be 40

thinking of me on your birthday

Happy birthday,your officially too old to go to rock concerts
 
#6
Congratulations on plagiarising wikipedia enough times to earn a degree

Sorry that guy who didn’t want to f*ck you turned out not to be gay

Have fun while horrifying the locals

Congratulations on not having a miscarriage

Sorry your cold tuned out to be bubonic plague,,,,,,,,I mean man flu

Happy anniversary darling,I think our relationship has matured to the point where period sex may be on the table
 
#8
Congratulations, you're legal!

Sorry, the bitch looked at me funny.....

Happy skyscraper day!
 
#11
The13thDukeOfWybourne said:
Congratulations ... on failing your GCSEs/Breath Test/to bother getting up for work.
More like:

Congratulations on getting straight A's in your GCSE's even though you can't read - Don't believe what your dad says, they're not getting easier.
 
#12
You’ll know I’m ur secret santa if u don’t receive anything

Thanks for doing what I’m way too big a pussy to do

Sorry u had to disguise ur masturbation injury as sports related

sorry I wasn’t there to see u get fired

please join me in celebrating the end of my marriage

I’m sorry to hear u didn’t dump that prick quicker

Ur the greatest weekend dad ever!

Granddad let’s get to know each other before u get Alzheimers
 
#13
Happy Civil Partnership Divorce!

Congratulations on your 5th child (by the 5th Father)!

Well done smoking 20 fags and you're only 7!
 
#15
As someone currently in a long term relationship, let me talk u through the horrors of being in a long term relationship

Thank god u were able to have children before turning into a 40 yr old hag

If ur bored this weekend I know where there r hot skanks

If ur ever abducted I hope u develop Stockholm Syndrome
 
#16
Cngrtulns u gt a mby f ur xmas.
 
#17
Congratulations on your second week of being STI free.

Congratulations on the birth of your third grandchild, oh and happy 12th birthday too...

'its a hermaphrodite'

Well done on the birth of your co-joined twin , they are a gift from God.
Enjoy them now as God has only given you a short warranty. Batteries for critical baby care monitors not included. pS you'll need the next card before the end of January.

Congratulations on the death of your co-joined twins, at least they'll both fit in the same freakish coffin.
 
#18
wrtds bhe ur nhnuudn (Keep texting, it'll mean something one day).

Congratulations, you have been selected to be trained to be gay.

Congratulations on this the 01 Dec 45 GB (The years were renumbered to mark the begining of the Broon dictatorship).

You have been marked as a dissenter. You will report to the railhead for transportation to the NL Political Awareness Camps.

Here is your voting card, we have placed an X next to New Labour for you.

Edited to add: Congratulations, you read the thread all the way through before posting.
 
#19
Congratulations on being a trustworthy person whom God has seen fit to tell me can be entrusted with the £90m my uncle died and left to me here in Lagos.
 
#20
Congratulations on reaching 18! To celebrate, here's a fiver to go and buy your first legal bottle of White Lightening!
 

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