Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by AndyPipkin, Oct 15, 2005.
The heart of the site is the forum area, including:
Probably been posted before but well worth a read:
I thought Skippy was a bush kangaroo.
What on earth would a kangaroo do with silicone breast implants? Now call me old fashioned if you like, but that is inherently wrong. Wrong I tell you..................................
It has been on here before but the list changed URLs and got lost. Nice to see it again.
I made my own list based on my experiences with the Irish army, other chaps contributed to it and we got to about 170 rules. Anybody here ever tried it?
22. Must never call an SAS a âWnakerâ.
he missed a bit off the end of that sentence........ unless I want my other leg ripped off and stuck up my arrse.
60. âThe Giant Space Antsâ are not at the top of my chain of command.
I think you'll find they are.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a âCool Mintâ ListerineÂ® bottle is not a good combination.
Oh yes it is!
FAF! I have just been rolling around, piddling myself while the secretary looked on bemused...I particularly like the Giant Space Ants - one of whom I'm sure was GOC SW District a few years back...
Bush Kangaroos obviously need implants Dale. To go with the immac to make them bushless kangaroos
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
why not? I've been having 'Nam flashbacks for years
"87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. "
A bit harsh don't you think?
I'd be interested in seeing that one Havoc. Got a link to it?
Things learned in the Reserve by a private in B Coy, 21st Inf Bn RDF
1. Cle is your left.
2. The Corporal never does anything for his/her own enjoyment.
3. This is not a Chinese parliament.
4. âGet it doneâ Is the favorite phrase of an NCO.
5. When on the ground, use the designated toilet area.
6. Do not stroll out 20 yards in front of your bivvy and go to toilet.
7. When getting ambushed in the night donât start screaming âCharlieâs in the trees!â
8. Likewise, donât start yelling âThe Germans are comingâ
9. Velcro is there for a reason.
10. Camo up everything is not to be taken literally.
11. The NCO is always right
12. The Officer is always right.
13. When Officer and NCO contradict each other, use better judgment.
14. If the NCOs wanted us to smile they would take us down to the armory and issue us all with smiles.
15. The sheep are not laughing at me.
16. The PDF however are laughing at my marching
17. Rumors should not be believed, even if the NCO/Officer starts them.
18. There is no such thing as a half-day in the army.
19. We are on government time.
20. Being hungover on duty is a chargeable offence, if youâre caught.
21. Mass parade will be made available to all persons.
22. Mass parade will take place only if enough people sign up for it.
23. Blank ammunition can kill.
24. Its still safe though.
25. I will not trick the NCOs into saying they are firing blanks today.
26. I will not trick the new recruits into saying that they enjoyed their camp experience.
27. Despite my own opinion, Kilbride is not a deserted wasteland.
28. Participation in the âFun evening recreationâ is mandatory.
29. The Corporal does not like to be called âCorpyâ.
30. Admin is the easiest thing in the world to do.
31. If the corporal canât find you, he canât give you a job.
32. The best NCO is the NCO who doesnât know your name.
33. The worst NCO is the NCO who knows your name.
34. DJ + 2 different Battalions + Alcohol + Dancing NCOs + Curfew = Funniest night ever.
35. The 7th canât dance.
36. The 21st canât dance, but we give it a bloody good effort.
37. Under no circumstances will the chorus to the song YMCA be replaced with âThe, F, C, Aâ.
38. Recruits will always be looking for the keys to the square.
39. And DPM paint.
40. It is not nice to tease recruits.
41. Its damn funny though.
42. Never call the Military Police Parking Attendants to their face.
43. Donât ask them where their traffic cones are.
44. Never try and hi-five an NCO. It will end in tears.
45. I am not special.
46. Iâm still waiting for the long weight from the CQ.
47. Weâll get issued everything weâll ever needâ¦â¦â¦â¦..next week.
48. The Sergeant may be god, but even he shits himself when the BSM is about.
49. The chap who asks the guard commander can he go to sleep fifteen minutes into a 24hr guard duty is not someone you can depend on.
50. Can machines in the army will break down just as youâre given a canteen break.
51. 58 webbing, despite all the CQâs promises, zip-ties, bungee cords and duct tape will fall apart five minutes on the ground.
52. Never tell the POTâs instructors itâs your birthday.
53. If you donât have to run, walk.
If you donât have to walk, stand still.
If you donât have to stand, sit down.
If you donât have to sit up, lie down.
If you donât have to stay awake, fall asleep.
54. The greatest motivators in the army are the promise of pay, rest, the mess and the huge PDF corporal with the 12â bootâs threats.
55. The ARW snipers arenât people like you or me. They are moving bushes who can hide anywhere and appear everywhere.
56. When the sergeant asks is everyone having fun, the correct answer is not âVery Fun, Sergeant!â
57. No matter what rank a soldier is, at least once in their career they have walked past a sheep in Kilbride faced it and went âBaaaaaaa!â
58. The Bren might not be old in the scheme of things but Iâm pretty sure the one I trained on the other night killed Germans.
59. Never trust a private to do anything
60. Just because you can't use physical violence anymore doesn't mean the suggestion of it won't motivate.
61. If an officer tries to shag you....you're shagged.
62. What happens on camp stays on camp.
63. One latex glove and some wet toilet paper are the only tools required to clean almost anything. For really tricky jobs, you might need two gloves.
64. Human bullfights with helmets still hurt.
65. "Going on the advanced party" is a polite way of saying "Get in the kitchens bitch!"
66. When the Enemy are Sgt's and Corporals. They are Invincible to Blank Rounds and Thunder Flashes.
67. Never wrestle a guy twice your size in a trench!
68. Always Bring extra Rations on a Dig in!!
69. Violence is acceptable as long as there is no bruising to the Face!!
70. 3 days in a trench followed by a disco and Fat frogs = seriously bad hangover!!
71. When on camp the f-word is used as a noun, adjective and verb.
72. Army chefs can take the finest Irish ingredients and turn them into something completely inedible
73. Chef's can be a bit abrupt when asked a question.
I.E.: When asking whether a random brownish liquid is gravy or curry sauce you will get a reply along the lines of "No, its fcukinâ bananas"
74. You might as well eat every bit of food when you are given it, otherwise it will be highly seasoned and given to you later (with a different sauce if you're lucky).
75. As the camp comes to an end their are less and less sausages for breakfast.
76. Making mistakes with the Steyr can cause it to do all sorts of weird and wonderful things (so says the Sgt)
77. Complaining to the chef about burnt toast even as a joke will lead to the breakfast next day doing all sorts of freaky things to your bowels.
78. Never tire of learning, because they never tire of teaching.
79. When you dive into cover be sure youâll be able to get out again.
80. No one really knows how to work a SYNCGARS.
81. When you are woken up from a deep sleep for two hours watch in the middle of a forest in the pitch dark you begin to hallucinate after about ten minutes.
82. Spending a day walking in the hills constitutes a tactical exercise.
83. 50% of time spent standing around is because someone is away looking for keys
84. If chicken has a spine, itâs a cat.
85. Curry sandwiches are a thing.
86. Cheap camo cream will never, ever, ever, ever, ever come out of your eyebrows or hairline.
87. First rule as a corporal: Look after your men
Second rule as a corporal: Look after your women and they'll look after you
88. First rule as a sergeant: Your always right
Second rule as a sergeant: In the event that youâre wrong refer to the first rule
89. All mutton meals usually coincide with recruit range practices
90. There is no such thing as pepper in the army
91. Curry will have carrots and peas
92. That is not a starter ...thatâs your ******* dinner!
93. The mattress will indicate the sexual habits and toilet problems of the previous occupant
94. Four pints in the mess usually translates into fifteen trips to the bog.......the last one usually an hour before reveille!
95. The corporal is not any of the following: A bank, pencil case, stationary shop, change machine, here for his/her own enjoyment, happy to see me.
96. A 10k TAB is really a 30k one.
97. When you dream of a rather large sheep running around your billet screaming at night you are not actually dreaming and it is not actually a sheep with its bits hanging, but a fairly pissed...........Well ya probably get the idea
98. If there are no crows around the skip, donât have the chicken.
99. You donât have to salute when you take down the red flags on the ranges.
100. There can be a hundred people on the truck but thereâll always be room for one more.
101. RDF=Remedial Defence Forces
102. FCA=F**kinâ Crap Army
103. The Air Corps only exists in name.
104. I best cheer up and be happy; I might get slotted by a sniper in the morning.
105. Mowags leave a very large mess behind them.
106. Why would I need a lift? Itâs only 5k.
107. Admin=Paid holiday.
108. I am not allowed to âHave a goâ of the Rangers sniper rifles.
109. The term âNo weapons in the mess doesâ not apply to the rangers.
110. My fellow soldiers do not like the song âI got my mind set on youâ and they certainly donât appreciate me humming it and putting it in their heads.
111. An ND is only an ND if youâre caught.
112. Chances are if youâre doing something in the army thatâs fun, you can probably be charged for whatever it is youâre doing.
113. A bag of sweets left out in the open will be gone in less then 5 minutes.
114. One soldiers unwanted kit is another soldiers 58â webbing.
115. Kilbride terminology:
Square = 30 degree slanted tarmac slope.
Locals = Sheep
Recreation = Reading the graffiti board in the gate room.
Improved ablutions = Portakabin crapper.
116. The bar may close at 12 but that doesnât stop it from serving.
117. Thereâs no rank in the mess but you still call him Sergeant.
118. I may be getting shot at but I still have to lift with my knees.
119. Speed limits do not apply to the PDF drivers. Nor do red lights, pedestrian crossings or police sirens.
120. If there is any messing, Mr. Hand gets introduced to Mr. Back of head.
121. I will not start humming the deliverance banjo song when entering or leaving Kilbride.
122. Ryanair could probably beat the Air corps.
123. When being challenged by a guard, the correct answer is none of the following: The IRA, the Taliban, Tits McGee, Your Ma or âWho the **** said that?â
124. 3 officers + Map + Compass = Lost.
125. The army was looking for a place to put a camp. They wanted an area where the wind constantly blew, there was a cheap construction firm nearby, no escape possible and sheep everywhere. Thatâs when they stumbled on Kilbride.
126. If something goes missing blame it on the Rangers. No MP is ever gonna ask a Ranger if he nicked something.
127. I am not in Bondi now so thereâs no need for the shapes.
128. The private who snores the loudest will be the one who complains the most about all the snoring the following morning.
129. On the last day of camp anything left in the drying room is fair game.
130. Iâm not Michael Flatley and I am not auditioning for Lord of the Dance.
131. âWeâre on some ******* road near Tallaghtâ is not proper radio protocol.
132. Itâs not a mobile phone, itâs a backup SINCGARS set.
133. â8 inchesâ is not the correct answer to the sergeantâs question âHow am I feeling this morning?â
134. Arrive 15 minutes early, theyâll arrive 15 minutes late.
135. A fork sellotaped to a Steyr is not a bayonet. Itâs still lethal though.
136. Watching someone getting a bollicking is like slowing down to look at a car crash. You just canât look away.
137. Itâs not Alpha Company, itâs A company.
Itâs not Bravo Company, its B Company.
Itâs not C Company, its Clown Company.
138. Its âYES, CORPORAL!â not âCoola Boola Corpâ
139. Jilty is code for âSmart, uniform and soldier like mannerâ. It also means âYouâre feeling well, youâre excited, youâve got an erection or all of the above.
140. There may or may not be such a thing as beer goggles but there are certainly such a thing as Camp goggles.
141. In the Glen of Imaal the windows in the billets are wide enough to fit a mattress out the window. Donât ask me how I know this.
142. Defence forces: When we do our job, we get shot at, rained on, yelled at and we still come back for more.
143. When trying to keep watch in total darkness on your own, the hallucinations will begin 15 minutes into a two hour watch.
144. It is possible to fall asleep in a ditch at the side of the road for 15 minutes without anyone noticing.
145. It is also possible to disappear from a night-exercise for two hours without anyone noticing.
146. Stupid question = smartarse answer.
147. I am not a helicopter.
148. Just close your eyes ignore the smell and eat your army meal.
149. If it doesnât work the first time, try it again. When it doesnât work the second time use it regardless.
150. Never ring the guard on duty at the gate at 4am, hammered drunk, and ask him if ham sandwiches are on the room service menu!!
151. Never leave a camera unattended, it can be very embarrassing collecting your pictures.
152. If a recruit comes in drunk and late and gives cheek to the BOS, the entire billet WILL be woken at 6am by the BOS constantly banging on the same recruits locker for ten minutes solid.
153. Never moon the Military Police, no matter how many of you are doing it, they will hunt you all down.
154. It may be funny to spike an officerâs drink with Viagra, while everyone is drunk, but if he doesn't get sex, the consequences will be dire!
155. Iâm a weekend warrior, in my spare time I do push-ups until my knuckles bleed and then I sharpen my knife.
156. The sergeantâs wife is a very nervous woman.
157. She may be ugly but she gets the job done.
158. Even though I may never have been thought or even heard of a certain procedure, I should still know it and be able to perform it expertly.
159. I did not go to school with the sergeant and he doesnât owe me money so I shouldnât be staring at him.
160. Donât look at the sergeant, look through him.
161. Wet-gear is exactly that, wet gear.
162. When you unroll your poncho, two things will happen: 1) You will find a massive rip in it, 2) It will start to rain.
163. The story of how the DF got the Steyr: Ireland needed guns, Austria needed butter. The end.
164. If I say âSir, its rainingâ, the Officer will say âAlright best get back inside then.â
165. If I say âSergeant, its rainingâ, the Sergeant will say âNo shit Sherlockâ
166. The best way to torture a platoon is to give them a âLa tharamh on dheis dreasaighâ and leave them at that position for 5 minutes or tell them the mess is closed.
167. When caught by a sudden shower in the open, the time it takes you to get your poncho out and on you will be the same length of time that the rain takes to stop. You will be soaked to the skin and the sun will once again be shining as if nothing ever happened.
168. The medics can fix anything with plasters and some deep heat.
169. Karaoke nights in the army will usually end up as shouting matches between units
170. If the sergeant informs you that there will be a COâs parade in the morning, donât ask what the theme of our float will be.
171. If you are a NCO and want to find something out / are checking something, ask the troops 3 times (you'll get a different answer each time), then check for yourself and the situation is ALWAYS different.
172. Smoke grenades are to be thrown at a safe distance to the enemy but if you manage to hit one square between the eyes, fair play.
173. Pyro is cool.
174. Taunting the PDF during an exercise isnât admirable, but by god its fun.
175. Weâre not here to have fun.
176. Impregnable defensive positions can be built with large Styrofoam blocks.
177. If you can impersonate the DS officerâs voice, you can kill anyone on the exercise.
178. The Platoon Sgt. does not appreciate being called "First Mate"
179. Even after the officer has referred to the troops as a bunch of pirates.
180. "Yarr, sir" can occasionally be used as a reply to "How are you feeling?"
181. Listen to the Platoon Sgt when he asks / tells you something.
182. Listen to the Platoon Sgt when he tells you not to ask the GOC any questions.
183. Complaints about the lack of sausages and lack of access to the drying room to the GOC result in the Platoon Sgt having a bad day.
184. If you complain about the lack of sausages, don't tell the GOC that you don't usually have breakfast till 3pm.
185. If you complain about lack of access to the drying room, make sure you have previously looked for access to it.
186. The Cook Corporal is right in telling you, you should carry 5 litres of water for 24 hours.
187. Go to camp prepared for all eventualities.
189. It can get cold and boring between the time you are deployed (2-3pm) and the time the enemy launches its attack at 3.15am. But then it gets exciting.
190. Recce troops don't appreciate being illuminated as they move.
191. You can never have enough Illum.
192. Destroy your model after use.
193. Always save the Colours, even if they are a pirate flag
194. It is possible during an inspection to say "1058--- Pirate Bloggs, J" without either the Officer, Sergeant or Corporals realizing it.
195. PDF NCOs hate RDF officers, everyone else is fine in their book.
196. 5 litres of water a day is a good idea for when the water fight starts.
197. Thunder flashes are lethal weapons when filled with stones. (They go further though)
198. Enemy is the best job ever. Loads of ammo and nothing but time till the targets walk past.
199. Smoke grenades come in all the Colours of the rainbow.
200. Nicotine patches are an essential part of any medical kit.
201. It's bloody awkward when youâre radioman and your three handhelds start talking at once
202. Being tough and macho by only bringing 2 litres of water out on the ground isn't a good idea
203. The radio person does more running than the runner.
204. Being given charge of something doesn't automatically give you the ability to order your peers about
205. If you ask for orders and your leader yells "I don't know, look like you're doing something" in a high noise environment, worry.
206. Do not piss off anyone in the PDF.
207. Donât call the cooks âRation Assasinsâ
208. There may be an army regulation stating that if you work past 12 you get the next day off, but why you think it applies to you................
209. It is possible to function for 48 hrs with only 2 hrs sleep. Its not fun though.
210. Less than attractive females start looking a lot more attractive as the week goes by.
I'm happy to answer any of your questions regarding the stories behind these though I must point out that these rules were created by myself but added to by various people over time.
Jay-sus. Many thanks Havoc. I'll pass it on to my father-in-law, he'll get a chuckle out of it. Poor bugger is 55 with knackered knees and still goes to FCA camp every year. He says "its not how it used to be" though. I think meaning him and his buddies can't go on the p*ss for two weeks on government time.
Yeah the goverment are doing their best to take all the fun out of the FCA. We make do though. What battalion is he in?
Separate names with a comma.