2014 cracker jokes thread

This is disappointing, thought it was was a thread about deep South cotton farmers and agricultural bio-machines.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!
What do the royal family play at Christmas instead of musical chairs?

Game Of Thrones.

I got a Ukip advent calendar this year…

It’s rubbish, all the doors keep slamming shut.


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