2010 New Year Chefs Almanac

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Chef, Dec 27, 2009.

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  1. I'm sure this has been done before but what predictions for the next twelve months would members of ARRSE care to make?

    [b]In the press world;

    From May to June the papers will run articles on BBQs and it's the only time men cook raw on the inside burnt on the outside meat, it's a caveman thing.

    Late November till December,'How to survive the office party, things not to say to your boss.'

    The Express will find more evidence that Princess Diana(Gawd bless her) was killed by the secret services on the instructions of Prince Phillip.

    More outrage through the year on immigration, chavs, and low education standards, exams are getting easier.

    [/b]Social services;

    Another child is killed by his family, despite being on the at risk list, lessons are learned and 'It will never happen again.'

    [b]Politics;

    Gordon Brown cancels the general election due to a 'National emergency.' Which only he and his moral compass can solve, normal services will be resumed, 'At a suitable opportunity.'

    MPs of all parties approve a plan to scrap expenses in return for a 50,000 pound tax free allowance, at the vote it is passed without opposition.

    Cuts in the MOD budget result in the cancellation of Helicopter purchases, the MOD is still committed to the 37 million pound refurbishment of its' Whitehall properties.'Savings will be made, where appropriate.'

    [/b]Arts;

    A new Brit artist wins the Turner prize with the 'Thought provoking' display of eighteen aborted foetuses, entitled 'All the mistakes I have ever made'
    A video entitled'The loss of a drug dealer, it's a drag' comes second

    The fatwah on Salmon Rushdie is finally lifted when Iran admits that nobody in the world has actually read it.

    In a shocking live interview Simon Cowell admits that he doesn't see all the primary auditions and that the X Factor may be a little bit manipulated.
     
  2. I predict a riot ...
     
  3. there had fecking better be an election next year. that cvnt brown will have a lynch mob after him if there isnt.
     
  4. I predict a diet...
     
  5. Fcuk ... I've left the webcam on again haven't I?
     
  6. Oh, God...my eyes! MY EYES!!! 8O

    No worries, brother; last time I went to the beach, Greenpeace turned up and tried to roll me back into the water and protect me from Japanese whalers... :oops: :oops:
     
  7. I don't mind them rolling me into the sea ... it's when the tw@ts constantly splash cold water over me that gets me annoyed.
     
  8. Hahahaaa no mate - I was meaning me. :D
     
  9. Predictions for 2010:

    1)The Met Office predicts a "BBQ Summer". Record sales of Gortex and umbrellas follow. Cumbria is evacuated.

    2)A "terrorist cell" carries out a CBRN attack on London. Brown evacuates the Capital and relocates to Edinburgh, taking over the Scottish Parliament. Alex Salmond protests and is locked up in one of the new "re-education camps".

    3)Brown suspends the Democratic Process "for the duration of the Emergancy". Martial Law is invoked.

    4)Brown is no longer PM...instead his job title is Lord High Protector

    5)A new, paramilitary intelligence and security Agency is set up with "Creepy" Mandy as DG. Operatives of the new Agency are given almost unlimited powers, including torture and summary execution. Thousands of ARRSEr's rush to join up.

    6)A former high-ranking member of MI5 gives an interview in which he claims that the attack on London may not have been carried out by terrorists. Both the ex-Spook and the journo who interviewed him "commit suicide" a week later.

    7)British troops continue to take heavy casualties in Afghanistan. In a rare public interview, LHP Brown insists that Defence Spending has gone up "in real terms" and that he confident that victory will soon follow.

    8)British Army losses in Afghanistan stand at 200 for the first six months of 2010.

    9)The Isrealies decide to get their retaliation in first and launch a massive attack on Iran.

    10)Iran responds by firing long range missiles at Tel Aviv, with radioactive warheads.

    11)Obama 'phones the Isrealie PM and orders him to stand down.

    12)IDF turns Iran into a Glass Carpark.

    13)Oil now selling at £500 per barrel.

    14)Widespread rioting and looting ruthlessly put down by Mandelson's "Fingermen".

    15)Food and power shortages for the majority of the population. Lord High Protector Brown announces that all remaining food, petrol etc will be severly rationed(Party members and workers are exempt).

    16)In a surprise move, Brown appoints Nick Griffen to deal with "the Immigrant Problem".

    17)BBC run an expose into "Immigrant Death Camps". The Corporation is taken off-air halfway through the program. One week later it comes back on air as the New Labour Broadcasting Service(motto: Joy Through Unity, Unity Through Faith).

    18) A co-ordinated attack by Al Queda suicide bombers detonates SADMs outside the White House and in the Vatican, killing Obama and the Pope among thousands of others. One billion Catholics fail to see the funny side and declare Crusade on Islam. Knights Templar are reformed.

    19)US nukes Mecca.

    20)WWIII.

    Happy New Year! :twisted:
     
  10. Jaysus WW that sounds awful!!!

    You are Nostradamus and I claim my tenner.

    Still, it's better than living in Gilmerton....
     
  11. I work for Tesco, Sparky; I have nothing to live for anyway.

    Ragnarok? Bring it on! :viking:
     
  12. My bold, sounds familiar, do you have some "Vendatta" against Labour ? :wink:
     
  13. Always happy to meet a Brother Geek! :highfive: :D
     

  14. Forgot something :?: :?: :?:

    [​IMG]
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  15. I thought that was'nt due until 2012, mate! :D