2 Jaguar for sale Seller: J. Prescott

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Vimes, May 9, 2005.

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  1. Item: 2 (two) Jaguar motor cars.
    Seller: J. Prescott.
    History: As used for transport of Deputy Prime Minister and wife thereof.
    Description: Increasingly useful in future, due to vendors plan to Tarmac over most of South East England. Very low mileage. Ideal for protecting hairdos. Each glove compartment contains dictionary, thesaurus and knuckleduster.
    Reserve Price: 3 (three) Jaguar motor cars

    Item: 1 (one) high horse.
    Seller: T. Blair.
    History: As spoken down from 1997 to present. Also ridden extensively around the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas.
    Description: Slightly mangy and past its best, due an infection (superequine hypocritus) acquired via exposure to Middle Eastern climates.
    The vendor hopes that buyers will still be able to find room for this horse in their stables, despite its unsavoury whiff. He also requests that they don’t look too closely into its mouth. Failing that, offers are invited from glue factories and dog-food manufacturers.
    Reserve price: Very low.

    Item: 1 (one) bandwagon.
    Seller: M. Howard.
    History: As leapt aboard during the 2005 general election campaign.
    Description: A slightly unstable vehicle, cluttered with issues of immigration, asylum, hospital infections, integrity, police numbers and school discipline. This item is offered for sale by a reluctant vendor, who has decided he has no further use for it.
    Reserve price: £100. Foreign currency not acceptable.

    Item: 1 (one) child’s tractor.
    Seller: C. Kennedy.
    History: Acquired in late April, after the birth of a child, for an abandoned photo campaign.
    Description: Bright orange, cheap, cheerful, friendly, but ultimately a little pointless. Steers, not to the left, and not to the right, but somewhere down the middle. Undeniably wobbly, for all that. Sold due to fear that, if actually ridden, wheels might come off.
    Reserve price: £10. Part-exchange considered, if offered decent single malt.

    Item: 1 (one) boat. Vintage election memorabilia.
    Seller: Anonymous.
    History: Originating from the estate of E. Powell, this boat was designed in early 1968, as a means of sailing down impending rivers of blood. Never used, thanks to said rivers — to intense surprise of architect — continuing to be made up largely of water.
    Description: Archaic, unsightly and a bit embarrassing. Vendor also owns Norman Tebbit’s bike.
    Reserve price: Passage to remote corner of New World

    Item: 1 (one) pony.
    Seller: H. Rifkind.
    History: One previous owner, an apocryphal Mr Shanks.
    Description: Still the best way of getting about in the UK, despite efforts of many of above.
    Reserve price: Priceless