Apologies if this has been done before. Spike. 12 Step programme for leaving the Army - nicked from a book, apparently? If you are in the military, you have a problem. This is the first step to recovery. STEP 1. Speech: Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not 'zero five thirty' or 'fourteen hundred'. It is 'five thirty' or 'two o'clock'. 'Fu*k' cannot be used to replace whatever word you cant think of right now. Try 'Um'. Grunting is not talking. Its a phone, not a radio. Conversations on a phone do not follow a set procedure and do not end in 'out'. STEP 2. Style: Do not put creases in your jeans. Do not put creases in the front of your dress shirts. Do not iron your collar flat. STEP 3. Women: Being divorced twice by the time you're twenty-three is not normal; neither are six-month marriages, even if it is your first. Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make financial sense. STEP 4. Personal accomplishments: In the real world, being able to do push-ups will not make you better at your job. Most people will be slightly disturbed if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die. How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment. STEP 5. Drinking: In the real world, being drunk before 5 p.m. will get you a reprimand and a formal warning, not a pat on the back. That time you drank a slab of beer and ###### in your wardrobe is not a conversation starter. STEP 6. Bodily functions: Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as 'unprofessional'. The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny, no matter how big it was, how much it burned or how much it smelled. You cant make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is. STEP 7. The human body: Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, its true. STEP 8. Spending habits: One day you will have to pay bills. Buying a Â£40,000 car on a Â£20,000-a-year salary is a really bad idea. One day you will need health insurance. STEP 9. Interacting with civilians: Making fun of your neighbour to his face fo being fat will not be appreciated. STEP 10. Real jobs: They really can fire you. On the flip side, you really can quit. Screaming at the people who work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. Taking naps at work will not be acceptable. Remember, 9 to 5, not 0530 to 1800. STEP 11. The law: Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison. Your workplace, unlike your command, cant save you and probably wont, infact, most likely you will be fired about five minutes after you've been arrested. Even McDonald's does background checks, and 'conviction' isnt going to help you get the job. Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you arrested, not yelled at on Monday morning before they ask you if you won. STEP 12. General Knowledge: You cant really say what you think about the Prime Minister in public. Pain is not weakness leaving the body, its just pain. They wont wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, so be polite. And lastly, read the contracts before you sign them. Remember what happened the first time.