1 or 2 jokes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by portlandbill, Mar 9, 2011.

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  1. a man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

    In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."


    A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

    "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

    "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."


    An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"


    A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."


    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

    "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"


    A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."


    How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."


    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

    "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."


    A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."


    The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

    None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

    The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."


    Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"


    A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

    "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

    "I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

    "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

    The man below says "You must be a manager."

    "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


    A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

    The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

    But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.


    One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"


    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
    way - 'Take a clean dish."


    A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

    It's about time someone updated those commandments, so here are some suggestions...

    Thou shall not stick anything larger than thine own elbow in thine ear

    Thou shall not eat anything larger than thine own head

    Thou shall not kill unless thou has a good reason to do it

    Thou shall watch porn movies

    Thou shall have an ego smaller than that of Prince Charles

    Thou shall not impersonate God, unless thou is stoned off thy ass

    Thou shall not piss in the holy water

    Thou shall not piss in the pool water

    Thou shall not sign a contract of more than seven thousand pages

    Thou shall not write a contract larger than seven thousand pages

    Thou shall not fantasize about Bob the Builder

    Thou shall not lick thine own asshole

    Thou shall not be Communist

    Thou shall not masturbate into the Fountain of Youth

    Thou shall not start the fourth Reich

    Thou shall not set homework

    Thou shall have a surname shorter than forty-six letters

    Thou shall always believe in what thy say, unless thou is wrong

    Thou shall not make love to a lamp-post

    Thou shall not eat a Nintendo

    Thou shall not eat a Playstation (Segas dont matter)

    Thou shall not be flexible enough to go through thine own legs twice, backwards, without breaking thy spine

    Thou shall listen to an entire sentence before making some disgusting comment about it

    Thou shall not desecrate thine own genitalia

    Thou shall not be unco

    Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz

    Thou shall commit adultery

    Thou shall hate all songs by Hanson (except maybe This Time Around)

    Thou shall not create a song lasting longer than twenty-four minutes

    Thou shall not bore shitless

    Thou shall only install light switches smaller than the wall they are on

    Thou shall consume alcohol only on special occasions, but these rules are very flexible, as Nuntas is included on the list, the celebration of the passing from morning to afternoon. (i.e. you can just make them up)

    Thou shall not do the Hampsterdance

    Thou shall not spell hamster incorrectly, with a P

    Thou shall not enter a freestyle rapping competition

    Thou shall succumb to advertising

    Thou shall not try to show the bank by not paying your bill

    Thou shall break out of prison, unless thou is not in jail, in which case thou shall commit a felony, then break out of prison [Please do not take this literally]

    Thou shall not be a Video Jockey (VJ)

    Thou shall not market Windows XP

    Thou shall not be part of a pop group

    Thou shall pirate all forms of media possible

    Thou shall not play Ookeymouth (This game consists of having someone spit in your mouth and trying to say ookeymouth at the same time)

    Thou shall not use Mad magazine as a basis for real life

    Thou shall not make a pocket television that fits in a change pocket

    Thou shall not stand in the street and scream You are the weakest link. Goodbye! in any language

    Thou shall destroy anything to do with any sort of mon. Pokemon, Digimon its all got to go.

    Thou shall not chuck a psycho

    Thow shall use good spelling

    rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

    Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

    "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

    "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

    "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."


    Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


    The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


    A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."


    A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"


    A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."


    One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"


    One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"


    A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
    you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"


    "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".


    A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

    She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

    "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

    "Was it when they cut off your balls?"

    "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

    "What was the most painful part?"

    "The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"


    The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

    "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

    Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

    Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.

    Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

    Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

    Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here; Have you got the money or should I go out and play?

    Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload.

    Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas!

    Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.

    Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!

    Mommy, Mommy! Where did your scabs go? Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

    Mommy, Mommy! It's dark down here! Shut up or I'll flush it again!

    Mommy, Mommy! I'm getting dizzy. Shut up or I'll nail your other foot down!

    Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush the toilet!

    Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts. Shut up kid and keep eating.

    Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with Grandma? Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last week!

    Mommy, Mommy! Why am I so ugly? Shut up kid and comb your face.

    Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!

    Mommy, Mommy!! What's a lesbian? Go ask your father, she'll know.

    Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....

    Mommy, Mommy, I hate tomato soup! shut up son, we only have it once a month!

    Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me. Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

    Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!

    Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!

    Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

    Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month.

    Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.

    Fun things for Non-Christians to do in church...

    Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

    Put stray dogs in coat closets.

    Un-tune the piano.

    Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

    Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

    Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

    Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

    Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

    Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

    Start a wave.

    Do cool things with the lighting.

    When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

    Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

    When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

    Make up your own words to the songs.

    Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

    Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

    If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT f..KING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

    Dress all in black, or in camo.

    Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.

    Change sets for the evening service.

    If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

    At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

    Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

    Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

    Inflate balloons, then send them off.

    Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

    Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

    Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

    Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

    During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."

    Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

    Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

    Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

    When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

    Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.

    Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

    Blow bubbles.

    Fake a possession.

    Distribute condoms.

    Speak in tongues.

    Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

    Drool in the collection plate.

    Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

    After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

    Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

    At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

    Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.

    Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

    Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight
    People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fcuk is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

    People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

    When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fcuk off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

    When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fcuk would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

    When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid £9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fcuking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

    People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

    When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

    When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fcuking pulled me over.

    When people say "Life is short." What the fcuk?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fcuking does!! What? Are they going to fcuking do something that's longer?

    When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper!

    When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!
    A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."


    A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
    The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
    He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
    He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
    The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
    He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
    The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."


    Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

    The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

    Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

    Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


    A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.

    COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
    GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
    COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
    GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
    The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
    COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"


    This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"


    A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing!


    This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"


    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
    upset. It won't be long now."

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."


    A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"


    A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"


    A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

    A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!


    One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''

    So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...


    Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new apartment in a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since the elevator wasn't yet installed. So they had to take up the furniture through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the end of the day, they managed to complete the task. Mrs. Bradley wanted to do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr. Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the stairway from the 11th. floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.

    Mr. Bradley : "Hello Mr. Peabody. I would like some soap detergent for my wife."

    Mr. Peabody : "What brand name is your washer machine?"

    Mr. Bradley : "Why??.. I don't know ... Why? "

    Mr. Peabody : " I can't sell you soap detergent unless you told me the make of your washer machine. I have a store to run and I care about its reputation Mr. Bradley.

    Mr. Peabody continued to refuse to sell Mr. Bradley soap detergent unless he told him the make of his washer machine.

    So Mr. Bradley became very angry and had to leave and go all the way back up the stairway to get what Mr. Peabody wanted. When he found out the brand of his washer machine, he went back all the way down and told Mr. Peabody the his washer machine's make was (GENERAL ELECTRIC).

    Mr. Peabody : " What's the voltage. Is it 110 or 220 volts?"
    Mr. Bradley : " I don't know and I don't care! ... Just sell me the stupid detergent!!!!..."

    Mr. Peabody : " I can't.. I just can't risk the reputation of my new store. You have told tell me the voltage of your washer machine."

    So angrily... Mr. Bradley had to go all the way back up to find out the voltage. As he was going down the stairway, sweating like a dog, he met one of his neighbors, Sam. Sam was naked waist down, and very angry, carrying a toilet seat and going down the stairs also sweating like a dog.

    Mr. Bradley : " SAM.... what in the world is going on? why are you naked waist down and carrying a toilet seat?"

    Sam : " Leave me alone Mr. Bradley... I'm very angry right now and don't feel like answering." Mr. Bradley kept insisting on Sam to tell him, but Sam kept quite and was getting angrier until they both entered Mr. Peabody's store.

    Sam quickly went in, very angry and stood in the middle of the store and yelled as loud as he could saying : " Well Mr. Peabody.... Here's my toilet seat and also here's my ass... NOW.... WOULD YOU PLEASE SELL ME MY TOILET PAPER??"

    These are greeting cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
    What was I thinking?"

    "Congratulations on your wedding day!....
    Too bad no one likes your wife."

    "How could two people as beautiful as you....
    have such an ugly baby?"

    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
    After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
    I never believed in Hell until I met you."

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
    that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
    Like the need for therapy..."

    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
    I never knew what evil was before this!"

    "Before you go,....
    I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    "Someday I hope to get married....
    but not to you."

    "You look great for your age....
    Almost Lifelike!"

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
    So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

    "We have been friends for a very long time....
    What do you say we call it quits?"

    "I'm so miserable without you....
    It's almost like you're here."

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
    Did you ever find out who the father was?"

    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
    I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

    "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
    So we're having you put to sleep."

    "Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
    But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

    A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

    A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

    A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

    A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

    A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

    A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

    A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

    A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

    A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

    A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

    A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

    Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

    As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

    Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

    Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

    Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

    I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

    I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

    I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

    I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

    If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

    If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

    In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

    It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

    It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

    Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

    Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

    Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

    Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

    Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

    Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

    Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

    Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

    Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

    Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

    Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

    Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

    Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

    My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

    My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

    My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

    My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

    She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

    Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

    Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

    Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

    The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

    The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

    The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

    They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

    Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

    Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"

    These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...

    The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

    That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

    I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

    I like every bone in your body especially mine.

    How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

    Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

    Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

    Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

    Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

    Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

    If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

    If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

    You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

    I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

    Is it hot in here or is it just you?

    If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

    Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

    How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

    Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fcuk?

    If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

    Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

    Can I have fries with that shake!

    I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

    You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

    Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

    If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

    Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

    Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

    Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

    Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

    My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

    I'd look good on you.

    When does your centerfold come out.

    So do ya wanna see something really swell?

    I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

    I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

    Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

    Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

    I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

    You have nice legs. What time do they open?

    Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

    Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

    Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

    Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

    You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

    Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

    Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

    If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

    There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."


    A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."


    A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

    She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

    The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."


    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

    He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

    "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
    "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

    Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little b,,,,, on your knee!"


    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
    them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
    again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."


    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

    Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.


    A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."


    A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

    "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

    "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

    Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

    "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

    The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."


    A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"


    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."


    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.


    There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.

    When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"


    There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."


    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

    Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

    1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
    a) Lovemaking
    b) Screwing
    c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

    2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    b) Your blood-test results
    c) Five tequila slammers

    3. You time your orgasm so that:
    a) Your partner climaxes first
    b) You both climax simultaneously
    c) You don't miss SportsCenter

    4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    a) Healthy, creative love-play
    b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
    c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

    5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    a) The best part of the experience
    b) The second best part of the experience
    c) £100 extra

    6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    a) No concern of yours
    b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
    c) A conservative estimate

    7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    a) A myth
    b) An oxymoron
    c) A moron

    8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    a) Appetizer is to entree
    b) Priming is to painting
    c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

    9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    a) "I hope we can still be friends."
    b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
    c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

    10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
    b) Is uptight and a waste of time
    c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

    If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

    If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

    If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.


    Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

    High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.

    Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.

    Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

    Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

    Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.

    Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.

    Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.

    Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

    Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.

    Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.

    Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

    Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.

    Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.

    Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.

    Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.

    Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.

    Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.

    Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.

    Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.

    Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

    Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.

    Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.

    Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.

    Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

    Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.

    Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.

    Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.

    Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.

    Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.

    Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

    Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

    Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.

    Dictionary Of Dating


    ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

    LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

    DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

    BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

    EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

    EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

    FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

    INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

    INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

    IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

    LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

    NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

    SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

    Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

    I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

    Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

    Want to race to the station, Sparky?

    I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

    On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

    You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

    Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

    Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

    How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

    Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

    I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

    Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

    Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

    Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

    Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

    You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

    "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

    I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

    You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

    "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

    Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

    Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

    I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

    So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

    Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

    Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

    So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

    Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

    When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

    Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

    Hey, you look like that girl I f.....a few days ago...

    Aren't you one of the Village People?

    Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

    The Warning Signs of Insanity...

    Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

    You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

    You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

    Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

    You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

    You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

    Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

    People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

    Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

    Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

    You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

    You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

    Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

    You collect dead windowsill flies.

    Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

    You like cats. Especially with mayo.

    You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

    You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

    You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

    Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

    Melba toast excites you.

    When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

    You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

    You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

    You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

    You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

    People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

    You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

    You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

    You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

    The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

    You like reading lists like this.

    Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

    You haven't asked yet.

    I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

    Because I just love hearing this question.

    Just lucky, I guess.

    It gives my mother something to live for.

    My fianc he is awaiting his/her parole.

    I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

    Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

    I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

    It didn't seem worth a blood test.

    I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

    Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

    My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

    I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

    They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

    I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

    I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

    What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

    I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

    Why aren't you thin?

    I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

    (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

    Sarcastic Remarks

    And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

    Do I look like a f......... people person?

    This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

    I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

    I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

    Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.

    If I throw a stick will you leave??

    YOU!.... Off my planet!

    If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.

    Does your train of thought have a caboose?

    The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

    Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

    Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

    Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

    A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

    Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

    Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .

    See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

    Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

    I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

    I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

    Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

    Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

    It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!

    A woman's favorite position is CEO

    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

    Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

    Too many freaks not enough circuses.

    Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

    I plead contemporary insanity.

    And which dwarf are you?

    How do I set the laser printer to stun?

    Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

    "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

    "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

    "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

    "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

    "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

    "The coffee machine is broken..."

    "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

    " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."


    You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...

    You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

    You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

    You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

    You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

    When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

    You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

    You use acronyms in your sentences.

    Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

    You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

    It's dark when you drive to and from work.

    Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

    The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

    You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

    Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

    Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

    Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

    Art involves a white board.

    You're already late on the assignment you just got.

    Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

    Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

    You read this entire list and understood it.


    After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

    1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
    3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
    6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

    Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


    A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

    The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

    The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

    The manager says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work."

    Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
    A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

    Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
    A. By doing the splits.

    Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
    A. Nothing, they haven't met!

    Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
    A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

    Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
    A. Humpme Dumpme

    Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
    A. More leg-room!

    Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
    A. They chip their teeth.

    Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
    A. Fertilized

    Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
    A. More headroom

    Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
    A. Because everyone gets a turn.

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
    A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

    Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
    A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

    Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
    A. Frosted Flakes

    Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
    A. An airbag.

    Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
    A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

    Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
    A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
    A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

    Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
    A. Bobbing for chips.

    Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
    A. Brain tumor.

    Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
    A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

    Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
    A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

    Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
    A. Because they both drip when they're f......

    Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
    A. "Way to go team!"

    Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
    A. FULL

    Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
    A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

    Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
    A. So she could lip read.

    Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

    Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
    A. Pregnant

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
    A. Not everyone has been in a 747?

    Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
    A. Butter is difficult to spread.

    Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

    Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
    A. Artificial intelligence.

    Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
    A. A brunette with bad breath.

    Q. What do blondes and cow s.... have in common?
    A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

    Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
    A. She opens the car door.

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
    A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

    Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
    A. Play ball!

    Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
    A. You always hear about them but never see them.

    Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
    A. Cause it said concentrate.

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
    A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

    Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
    A. The joystick is wet.

    Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
    A. To keep their ankles warm.

    Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
    A. An interpreter.

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
    A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

    Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
    A. She sold her car for it...

    Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
    A. Because they have blond boyfriends

    Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
    A. Their both empty from the neck up

    Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
    A. Get'em on their back and their both f,,,,,.

    Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
    A. A blow job with handlebars

    Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
    A. A golden retriever.

    Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
    A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

    Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
    A. It has a stamp on it.

    Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
    A. A wine and cheese party!

    Q. How do you drown a blonde?
    A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

    Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
    A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

    Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
    A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

    Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
    A. There is white out on the screen.

    Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?
    A. Open 24 hours a day.

    Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
    A. To feed the toilet duck!

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
    A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

    Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
    A. Practice.

    Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
    A. To cover the valve stem.

    Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
    A. It takes too long to retrain them.

    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
    A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

    Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
    A. They spread for the bread.

    Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
    A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts:policecap::policecap::policecap:
  2. My, my, you have been busy cutting and pasting :roll:
  3. Do you seriously expect anyone to read an entire joke site that you've stolen? You utter twat.
  4. My sentiments exactly, jeez!
  5. I've just scrolled through the whole fucking thing again just to see you kill him........and you were polite; WTF?????????????? :)
  6. I know, but I am suffering with a hideous hangover and don't have the energy! It's hard work being such a vile bitch you know :)
  7. Portlandbill; FUCK OFF!
  8. The funniest thing about that was trying to scroll through it in my mobile. Never read any of it. :O

    Sent from my fat fingers using a small keyboard.
  9. I saw the thread, thought o it will literally be 2 jokes. How wrong was I.

    You utter ball bag.
  10. Sorry Mr Bill but this is double pants minus.

    My jokes may be fucking crap but at least the reader can move on quickly.
  11. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I would rather read your jokes.
  12. I know you do.. lol
  13. OMFG, for a moment there I nodded off! Do one!
  14. your a dickhead for reading them
  15. He never said he'd read them. Knob