1 for the Sweaties.....love you really!!!

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by maccabonga, Jun 23, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. At my cousin's wedding last weekend I got talking to a man who was wearing a kilt.

    I said, "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?"

    He grinned and replied, "Oh, go on then!"

    I said, "Do you realise you look a complete fucking twat?"
     
    • Like Like x 4
  2. Excellent!
     
  3. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I'm nicking that!
     
  4. I was emailed a newspaper cutting a few days ago covering events at the Jockinese wedding, that was a surprise in itself as I hadn't realised any of them ever got married.

    The gist of the story was that the party afterwards was in full swing when the gallant Groom wobbled over to his blushing new Bride who was sitting on a chair. The Groom then sat on the Bride's knee - they were both wearing dresses. When the Groom got up again he had, rather ungallantly, left a large and smelly skidmark, apparent for all to see, on his darling's wedding frock! He was given momentary credit for not wearing any underpants in accordance with tradition, then promptly filled in by his wife and her family. His clan needless to say joined the affray and the Filth were called!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  5. And he replied, "better than being a Morris prancer"
     
  6. ...and the Morrismen encircled the cock in a frock, beat him/her/it with the swine bladder as he attempted to escape on an ancient, wooden, legless horse to the beat of the village drum....
     
  7. Meanwhile the fast becoming national dress of England is the Hijab. Seriously though it must be a shame to have nothing that represents your country to the world apart from chavs.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    To an extent I agree with the OP. The number of people who only wear the kilt to weddings and other functions is growing and most don't know how to wear it properly. During the wedding season it is not unusual to see grown men wearing their kilts half way down their calves like a mini-dress.

    It is also strange that the number of people wearing kilts seem to have accents from south of the Border; attending their mate's funeral - oops sorry - wedding, and decide or are asked to wear the kilt and think it is just a matter of bunging it on. Makes for some sights, but it is not just the sassenach at fault, most jocks fall in to this category as well.
     
  9. And the Lord did speak unto the Angel Gabriel...

    "Gabby, I will create a land of unsurpassed beauty. A land of towering mountains and deep lochs. A fertile land where men can farm and hunt. And for generations yet unborn, around the coasts of this new Eden, I shall leave great quantities of oil, so in centuries to come this Promised Land shall know great riches. I will call this paradise on earth, 'Scotland'. And I shall give it to my Chosen People, who I love above all others."

    "Oh Lord of Hosts," asked Gabriel, "I know you love the Scots, for you did make them in thine own image, and every other race of man is but a pale shadow of their greatness - but do you not think that perhaps you are being a little too generous to your Chosen People?"

    "You may think that now," replied the Almighty, "but wait until you see the bunch of utter cunts I've given them for neighbours..."
     
    • Like Like x 4
  10. McChavish moved south in search of food and warmth! We have the bowler hat...nowt wrong with that...you can even eat porridge out of it!
     
  11. And of course there are no chavs south of the border :eh:
     
  12. At a whisky tasting event in Germany, several Boxheads rocked up in kilts (incorrectly worn)...what's that all about? Is there a secret Boxhead/Jock alliance uniting in the common dislike of Englaenders? Is there an SS version of the "Killing English Tartan"?!
     
  13. You have'nt been paying attention; it's recently been revealed that the English are German!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Utter bollocks, I'm English as I was born in England. My Y chromosome is unknown whilst my mitochondrial line is English....and yes that makes me Bastard English!
     
  15. IIRC, the concept of 'England' only started with Alfred the Great, a little over 1,000 years ago. In genetic terms, that's not very long ago at all. There's a very good chance your ancestors were living here for some considerable time before that. The Angles and the Saxons were Germanic Tribes. The indigenous people they displaced, the Britons who ended up in Wales(poor bastards)were Celtic.

    So you're descended from Boxheads or sheep-shaggers. Your choice.:muhaha: