‘They Need a Good Beating’ - new TV prog ideas

Here's a beautiful idea for a new reality TV show

i’ve decided to pack temping in and become a TV producer. i’m going to start my own reality TV show; it will be called ‘They Need a Good Beating’. Contestants will be filthy chavs, dolescum, drug addicts, wasters, gouchers, hoodies, etc. They will be gathered from the seediest ghettoes in the land, lured into the studio with false talk of a Big Brother style celebration of human nastiness. They will believe they stand to become Jady Goodie-like celebrities, lauded by the press, imitated by an adoring public, and set for minor stardom and appearance on the Richard & Judy Show.

Instead they will be severely beaten.

It's such a beautiful idea that it made me weep briefly. I can't better it. Though a couple of the comments on that blog want to extend the programme's remit to include Zanulabour politicos and why not?

Has anyone got any more TV prog ideas? There's so much shitetastic programming out there produced by media studies degreed wastes of skin who infest the BBC, Channel4 etc - can it be hard to do better?
"How far can it fly?"

Imagine filthy cnuts being in a catapult, and the viewers can place (large, and fun) bets on how far they fly.

But they have to land either on a minefield, or a pit full of angry rottweillers.

edit: blast! swearing filter catches me again.
Ooh, the possibilities are endless:

'I'm a Celebrity. Leave Me Here'. A show in which a variety of 'celebrities', including supposed A-listers such as Amy Winehouse (if still living) are taken to a desert island and left there. Nothing more to it than that, since the programme will allow the BBC to fulfil its remit to deliver a public service.

Jeremy Clarkson's Celebrity Shoot Out. A variety of politicians and waste-of-space celebrities are invited to participate in a charity shooting event with Clarkson. The USP is that Clarkson then shoots the celebrities, in the order determined by the phone in voting. The celeb who attracts the fewest votes is allowed to survive, unless Clarkson deems them to be such an annoying hand-wringing waste of space, in which case he is permitted to shoot them anyway. Money from the phone voting goes to Help for Heroes. The slight downside to this show may be that it substanitally reduces the pool from which Fabio Capello can select his squad to fail to qualify for the 2010 World Cup (the fact that can't shake the image of Ashley Cole being peppered with No9 shot as I write is entirely conicidental).

Top Gear 24. This replaces the BBC News Channel in its entirety, bar short interludes for the weather outlining the conditions on the Top Gear track so that we can see the delightful Laura Tobin and other weather lovelies and news headlines every 15 minutes, presented by Kate Silverton. Downside to this idea is that the Dave channel seems to have partly latched onto this idea already.

Give Us a Clue. Each week, government ministers are invited to participate in a show in which the public phone in and give said minister a clue as to how loathed the current Brown administration is. Profits from calls go to fund the new swimming pool at Headley Court. Should take about a week to raise the target.

I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue. A spin off from the above. Each week, the naiton is treated to a resignation speech from a government minister. Des Browne will begin the series, in a two-part special.
MP's Ultimate Fighter Surgeries in which constituents get to kick the sh1t out of their own politicians.

Hey, get in the fcuking queue! I thought of it first.

Another version would be where chavmongs from their constituencies were pitched against them so that their MP could see just how much of a sh1t they gave about politics. The winner becomes the new MP.
There's no risk to the country because chavs wouldn't their lazy arses out of bed and so we'd be just as FCUKKKING!!!! well represented in parliament.

Yet another version would be where mongs were brainwashed into thinking that their MP's had banned Balloons and Ice cream, then pitched into the ring where burst balloons and ice cream stains were already smeared over the MP. Watch the mong chase the MP around the ring.

Laboons and Icecream
No, it's not an updated version of Dempsey and Makepiece but a game show held at the 2012 Olympics where Ice Cream and Balloon Salesmen get a five metre start against a crowd of mongs on the 100 metres track.
No winners in this event but it would be fcuking funny to watch.

Bloke with a big sharp pointy javelin runs against a fat mong to get to a load of helium laboons. Winner gets an ice cream. The bloke with the javelin is only allowed to use it to pop the balloons.

Unless the mong wins.

Fat MP's catch raw eggs
Chavs chuck eggs at MP's and they're not allowed to punch the chavs back.

That Fatfucker Prescott can be referree.

Winners get to enter "MP's Ultimate Fighter Surgeries" on a wild card.

Hamster Surprise

MDN is hidden behind a screen with just his arse showing. Said arse is packed to bursting with hamsters and a huge gert fcuking numb cork on a string.
Place mong in front and tell it that pulling the cork releases a load of balloons.
Laugh like fcuk as mong tries to stuff the cork back in.
Random_Task said:
Diet or die. The morbidly overweight attempt to loose weight,whilst living above a chip shop.


Celebrity Mexican Bunwanking/Deathmatch.

Find all celebrity cnuts get them in airtight room mixed with a load of chav's and jurno scum. Then get Giant Haystacks who hasnt washed his fat sweaty hoop for 6 weeks to place aforesaid sweaty arse and ring piece over the nostrils of the victims, and the public place bets on them, whom is going to projectile vomit the most.

Then release a gas that has been concocted in Porton Down, which will make them extremley violent and watch them bloodgen each other to death. The survivor goes to public vote whether they get the electric chair, if thier name is Geri fecking Halliwell then, or Meatlof, or Jade Goodie, its instant death by default.......
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here... please?

50 of the most camera-hogging, famous-yet-talentless, so-called 'stars' are taken to a desert island where every week they must forage for food, compete in challenges, and generally get on each others nerves.

The twist: no cameras, no food drops, no end.

Maroon the fake-tanned bastards.
How about 'Vest Wars' where the chavs run around a racetrack,overcoming obstacles like flamethrowers,minefields & then have pass the Suicide Vest to the next chav before it goes off.The winner then gets his/her dole cheque.
Or 'Slag race 2008'? Same as the film Death Race 2000' but with Chavs...Or 'Celebslut's Blowjobs' where skanks like Britinny & Amy go around giving blowjobs to the unsuspecting public with a noose around her neck,the looser gets garroted.
Chav Scrapheap Challenge,

Chav drives his crappy Saxo to the scrapheap and the teams have eight hours to reduce it to as many small parts as possible, when the time is up the chav gets shot in the back of the head.
CQMS said:
Chav Scrapheap Challenge,

Chav drives his crappy Saxo to the scrapheap and the teams have eight hours to reduce it to as many small parts as possible, when the time is up the chav gets shot in the back of the head.
haha, excellent
Counting Down

A similar show to Countdown, but in this one two chavs are strapped to electric chairs and have to do the same series of spelling and maths but without the use of pen and paper. The one with the lowest score gets electricuted there and then. The winner progressers to the next round etc etc.

The final is an hour long and the winner gets shot instead of being electricuted. :twisted:


Book Reviewer
More subtle, I think.

'School for Chavs'

Chavs made to go to school, sit at desks placed in rows, face the front, shut up, and study Maths, English, History, Geography and Latin. Teachers are allowed to cane them if they put a foot wrong or say a word out of place. Games lessons (Old-style PT or Physical Jerks) are delivered by a military PTI.

'School for Politicians'

Politicans and their children are made to go to schools where the playing fields have been sold, buildings gone into disrepair, equipment vandalised, and half the class is made up of chav children. They can't get jobs in the city, politics, or management in any business unless they have done this for six years.
Kim and Aggies Ethnic Cleansing

Each week Kim and Aggie visit the home of some suitably dirty foreign types (lets start with the French), where they force them to clean up their dirty ways using nothing but lemon juice and white vinegar.

One month later they return and if the house is no longer spotless they take the whole family out into the back garden and shoot them :twisted:
Top Gear

A group of 6 heroin addict are forced to inject themselves with 6 different syringes. 1 contains heroin and the other 5 contain rat poison. phone voters get to bet on who has the "top gear".

Life on Mars

A group of z list celebrities are blasted off to Mars with the promise of the first one to get there can do a live broadcast.

Midsommer Murders

A specially selected group of the most nausiating chavs are sent to Midsommer and murdered in amusing ways.
Gene Hunt's Chav-lebrity gene pool Challenge:

A series in which the Gene-Genie attempts to remove as many chav-lebrities (see what I did there?) from the gene pool, in 60 minutes, as possible. Assisted by Raymondo and Chris, The Hunt-Meister beats, shoots and generally mows down fleeing chav-mongs and/or Z lister “lebs” in the trusty Mk III ‘Tina or the Quattro.

All filmed in a ghettoised area of our major cities, in front of an audience drawn from: local dole-scum, pikeys, assorted low-lifes and rejected Big Brother and Love Island wannabes etc. And the twist is; there’s no separating line between audience and competitor.

Directed by public vote; one retched; mlaaaring parasite is chosen to be thrown from the top of a local landmark building, instead. A phone-in contestant then stands to win major prizes by guessing which scoring ring, of a marked out target area the falling cnut ‘lands’ in.
Double Penetration

Basically any annoying chavette celebs that are a waste of oxygen but who are dirty little trollops are brought on and made air tight....

Celebrity Falling Plate

Any celebrity is brought on the show, taken to a huge expanse of countryside and "will fall when hit"

Chavnic cleansing

Same as above but with groups of little fucktards. This game will include a special MLRS round for a lucky Pensioner to come on and get there own back on the feckers that mugged them!
This is simple...It's already on TV just needs a bit of tweeking.....Gladiators.

Chavs compete against the finest warriors in the land in a series of potentially fatal challenges. Such as:-

Gauntlet- Contestants you will place your hand in the glove shaped vice on my first whistle, Gladiators you will turn the handle on my second whistle....3.....2.....1......

Hang tough- Contestants are hanged by the neck. Those that survive are deemed tough and can go on to the enxt round.

Duel- Competitors face a sword weilding barbarian armed with nothing more than a wooden spoon.

Pyramid- competitors try to scale a large pyramid whilst the Gladiators try to stop them. Those that succed go on the the final those that dont are buried alive under the pyramid.

THE ELIMINATOR- The remaining contestants then race over a series of obstacles. First through the crocodile infested water, up the razor wire cargo net, then onto the hand bikes (doesn't need changing it looks bad enough) then up the travelator of burning coals. The loser is simply eliminated whilst the winner goes on to enjoy their prize.......a full life sentance at the Chinese prison of their choice


Book Reviewer
Chavlebrity mine-clearance.

Does what it says on the tin. But they don't get any protective equipment or training. Just walk across the minefields until all the loud bangy things have gone bang. Picking up the brightly coloured ones is allowed. They can play catch with bomblets if they like, but they can't come out of that minefield in one piece.

If they survive, they can queue up in an NHS A&E in Wrexham, Manchester, Birmingham or Glasgow on a Saturday night amongst their drunk and drugged up mates.

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