The Darwin Awards

Discussion in 'Multinational HQ' started by Trip_Wire, Dec 23, 2006.

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  1. Trip_Wire

    Trip_Wire RIP

    The Darwin Awards are finally out--the annual honor given to the person (s) who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.? Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. And the nominees are:


    Semifinalist #1: A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. (You gotta feel sorry for his sister!)

    Semifinalist #2: Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but they lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.  

    Semifinalist #3: A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump from a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."


    Semifinalist #4: A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend—no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate—was hospitalized.


    Semifinalist #5:  Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building and extinguished all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.


    And now, ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:  

    The Finalist: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!


    The facts (as best as could be determined) are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

    The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, finally becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.


    Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.


    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.
  2. Nehustan

    Nehustan On ROPs

    Doesn't mention about their offspring? Surely vital in determining 'Darwin' awards. I presume they all died without reproducing?
  3. chrisg46

    chrisg46 LE Book Reviewer

  4. Tripwire,

    That particular award has been circulating for years! I haven't googled it but there must be a more recent version than that. If there haven't been any updates, I could nominate the 8 or so teens who have killed themselves in RTAs in this area over the last 2 months, including the four who died on a straight road with a 40mph speed limit, when they left the road and hit a tree 10m from the edge of the road. At what speed were they travelling?

    The most amusing award, IMHO, was the guy in the armchair attached to dozens of helium balloons over California. He was using an airgun to regulate his height.... Classic!

  5. Trip_Wire

    Trip_Wire RIP

    About this then:

    (I like the elephant Stefan, story.) :lol: :lol:

    Date Added: 10/12/2006
    Submitted By : Chris

    Darwin Award 2006

    From: Chris
    To: Heardthis
    Date: 05 December 2006 22:50

    2006 Darwin Awards
    And the candidates this year are.............

    In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after
    squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," --
    accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

    Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.

    Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

    People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
    Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.

    It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyvill, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


    Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.


    TACOMA, WA.........Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of themsaid they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

    Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.

    One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.

    He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."

    Bingham's foot was never located.

    Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

    Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated

    General Info:
  6. :D

  7. You don't happen to be living by the A66 do you?
  8. I want to recomend this unidentified California man for a Darwin Award. Angered by the change in name of Winter Break to Christmas Break he torched himself, a Christmas tree and the American flag. The tree was burnt to a crisp.


  9. I know who I'm nominating for "Literal Trainspotter"...