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Walts
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THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS FACTS ABOUT WALTS AND MUST BE HANDLED ACCORDINGLY! |
Taxonomy
Waltism comes in many forms, Not all may be listed down but here are the main types:
Re-enactment Walts
Possibly the most acceptable form of walting, re-enactment is performed by individuals with a keen interest in history who attempt to recreate battles of years gone by to a reasonable degree of accuracy. But still walting wannabes. The closer the chosen period to modern day and the more elite the unit, the bigger the walt. Thus a New Model Army pikeman is a smaller walt than a 95th Rifleman who is in turn a lesser walt than a Vietnam Green Beret - who, in turn, is out-walted by a SAS-posing bank manager. Disturbingly Medieval up till Napoleonic types have access to swords, halberds, bows, crossbows, medieval siege equipment and an even more disturbing knowledge on how to use them. In their favour they drink like fish.
See Re-enactment.
Paintballing Walts
The kind of middle aged man who delivers parcels in his Mini Metro but at weekends goes and plays paintball with a bunch of kids. They're often seen bringing their own webbing, paintballs and pathetic smoke grenades. They're friends with everyone there but have no friends of their own. See airsoft.
Pub Walts
Very common form of a Walt, These specimens are found at the corner of the bar, nursing a pint of shandy and giving everyone the 'thousand yard stare'. On questioning they will avoid the issue for three seconds before launching into an: 'I shouldn't tell you, but just this once...' story of when they were in Bos with "Them".
Security Guard Walts
Waltism is popular amongst security guards of shopping centres, building sites etc. They often claim they are ex-airborne/marine, SAS etc. and to have done missions raiding the Iranian Embassy, guarded politicians and VIPs with 'Them'. Security guard walts have usually failed in life and have nothing else better to do apart from guarding the aisles of the local Kwik Save acting the "Supermarket-Tough-Guy". See the likes of The Mall Ninja.
Woodland (Stick) Walts
Even odder. Just watch the video... Oh Dear!
Suicide Walts
Read this... it's all you need to know.
Witchcraft Walts
It gets worse. This lot believe they have special powers, think that Lord of the Rings is an instruction manual and spend hours honing their skills with Tarot cards. Known to dance around on the heath at midnight naked. Their only purpose is to provide amusement for others, though they are generally harmless. Better known walts in this category:
- Richie 'Deep Purple Rainbow' Blackmore - White Warlock.
- David 'related to God' Icke - Religious walt.
Gangster Walts
This sub-group often lie about being involved with notorious criminals, doing drive-by shootings, heists, drug dealing, and growing up in 'The Hood' with their 'Homies'. In reality their only transgressions of the law are ASBOs, the odd parking fine and dealing aspirins to under 8s. This, however, does not prevent them from larging it about housing estates and gobbing off to complete strangers in a bizarre Jamaican patois, even though they've never left Ashford and are whiter than Billy Connoly on a sun lounger.
Oddly, their pretentions as crime lords mysteriously vanish when real crims are on the scene, and their accents revert to pure middle class Home Counties. They also have a tendancy to revert to their bedrooms - in their parents' semi - on pain of Da Niggaz Crue smokin' dems asses wiv lead... innit?
Forces Walts
Serving members of the forces who pose as something they are not. A classic example are the "faux airborne" who sew wings onto their aprons and claim to have slop jockeyed in 'Nam'.
Ex-Forces Walts
This sub-group make up stories about their time in uniform to impress their new civilian colleagues and/or employers. They don't recognise that they are walts at all and usually end up back on ARRSE bigging it up in the belief that no-one will recognise them. Consider this recent extract from a rather uncautious new member: "On another note - when constructing your own CV for job hunting, I have found that you can just about make up any kind of bullshit for your military career. You can insert any kind of information during your military service that relates to the job you are going for and potential employers have no way of verifying your claims. If references are asked for then you state that person has been posted, cant trace him etc.." ....... Really now? Is that so? Link
Retired Officer Walts
Occasionally a genuine officer with mild waltism who blags a single rank up. More likely to be a genuine walt who claims to be Major so-and-so when his highest rank was Lance Jack in the cadets. The latter type are fairly easy to spot as they don't know what (Retd.) means and usually talk about their time in the "Real Army" when addressing TA types. See also: Another Walt Bites the Dust
War Criminal Walt
Unbelivedly the latest category of walt to appear is War Criminal [No, not Tony Blair]. Jesse Macbeth claimed to have killed hundreds of Iraqi civilians while on tour in Iraq with the US Army Rangers. It turns out he's just a walting cnut who had only served six weeks in the army before being kicked out. Story here.
King of the Walts
A title hotly open to debate, but the prime contender at the moment is Alan McIlwraith... until the next cnut pitches up.
Well worth a look
- Topic of a now legendary thread in the Int Cell - Search for a Walt Star
- Arrse's highest ranking Walt yet - Caubeen
- The disturbing act of John Rambo.
- An early legend in the Walt-hunting world - Mike Golden.
- The sad case of Alan Dobison.
- Brian Jennings - Trumpton's first walt.
- Paul "The Reaper" Hartley - Vietnam War/SEAL/SWAT/Top Gun big timing walty cnut ACF Sergeant and serial liar.
- Maurice Mennie - eBay RMP airsoft mong. Sad. Very sad indeed.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong I - Jamie Barratt.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong II - Simon de Montfort-Broughton. Our most contentious walt yet.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong III - Jim McAuley.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong IV - The Mall Ninja.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong V - John Pierce.
- Even wiggers can be walts if you're name is Richie C - child walt, cnut and spelling error.
- Andy Gregory GSM - Parachute pilot extraordinaire and 'survivor'.
- The even sadder case of Barry Simkins.
- Graham Eckerman VC and SBS hero... or rather not.
- Mick Waring - The walting wife collector.
- Phil Elmore - Steely-eyed nailsy spam megawalt
- Walting With Confidence - The absolutely essential one-stop guide to walting.
Where to find them
Some favourite internet haunts. Some of these are the biz:
- gridcogames.com. WTF? Waltmongs being awarded 'virtual VCs'? No Way!
- Female Heroine Walts!. Hmmm.
- Colonel Saunders - 'It's Finger Lickin' Good!'
- Prepare to be impressed! [I'm thinking of uploading one of my mates to this site] Collectors' Corner
Insignia
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Not that anyone is suggesting that there is a link between Waltism and obesity. Although a long term study of these creatures does look fairly likely given the popularity of the thread so we'll let you know (unless the greedy b'stards eat our researchers).
Special types of Walting
(thanks to ARRSE chat for these)
- A-Walting: To go Walting
- E-Walting: Walting on the internet
- AWALT: To Walt being AWOL. AKA Blueface
- Walter PPk: To Walt being James Bond
- Matlida: Female Australian Walt
- F Walteen: Flown by Crabwalts
- D-Walt: Pretending to be a power drill, Can also mean recovering from the sad influence of waltisim.
- Walter Kronkite: Pretending to be an American Journalist
- Walter Pistol: A pretend gun
- WaltMart: A walt shopping on ebay for genuine SAS KFS.
- Reverse Walting: Not quite Walting... but?
- Walt-er E Kurtz: Walting as an insane US Special Forces Colonel.
- Walt-er Koenig: A Walting trekie. Walting a walt? JEEZ, that's bad!
- Walt Disney: Walting as a cryogenically preserved cartoonist.
- Woodland Walt: Pretends to be on patrol in a forest.