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The Matthews Family

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Her Royal Pikeyness

Current Royal Family of the Pikeys are the extended Matthews family (estimated at about 100,000 members) who live on the sink estate of Dewsbury Moor.

The Matthews' claim to the crown started with the alleged kidnapping of 9yr old Shannon Matthews. After a three-week search by West Yorkshire Police, the child was found hiding in a divan drawer in the house of Michael Donovan - the uncle of her mother's live-in cock! Things started to look iffy when Shannon was not immediately returned to her family.

After a week or so Craig Meehan, the total mong of a boyfriend of Karen Matthews (the ugliest and oldest-looking 32yr old mother on the planet) adnd mother to Shannon, had been arrested for kiddy porn on his pc.

Within days Meehan's sister (Amanda Hyett) was arrested on suspicion of assisting an offender and his mother Alice Meehan was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. [Still with me?]

Shannon's mother Karen (mother of seven from five different fathers) - after breaking down in the back of a polis car and confessing to knowledge of Shannon's whereabouts during the 'kidnapping' - was arrested for perverting the course of justice AND child neglect. She was locked up and not granted bail for her own safety after the mob started baying for her blood.

Then Amanda Hyett and Alice Meehan were re-arrested after having been bailed but to keep things fresh, Caroline Meehan (sister to Amanda and Karen's paedophile boyfriend Craig) was also arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice.

Running in parallel with the arrests were requests for money from the Madeleine McCann fund. One request to the fund was made by a man claiming to be a freelance journalist who was seeking money to help in the search for Shannon. There was a one-line email asking for money and finally someone claiming to be close to Shannon's mother turned up at the McCanns' door demanding money.

Michael Donovan [Remember him... the 'kidnapper'?] - also known as Paul Drake just to confuse things - had to be treated in hospital after committing what was described as 'serious self-harm' when he tried to slash his wrists in the nick.

The police have had to circulate flyers around the Dewsbury Moor scheme asking there be no vigilantism on the remaining un-arrested Matthews, now the non-Matthews pikeys realise they have been had. To complicate things yet further, residents of Dewsbury Moor have complained they have received threats that they are '... all going to get it once the police have gone'. [Hell hath no fury like a pikey led up the garden path.]

Dewsbury magistrates have cleared their calender for the next twelve months and it is expected that HMP Leeds will be opening the Matthews Wing before the end of the year - but not until the Matthews have wasted billions of taxpayer's cash on Legal Aid which they'll undoubtedly qualify for.

Stay tuned as this one can only get better.