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Difference between revisions of "Stacker 1"

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Stacker1 has often been described on ARRSE as a person who could start an argument in an empty room. That’s certainly true, but it’s also very interesting and enlightening to explore how he came by that reputation.
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Rhubarb is grown widely, and with greenhouse production it is available throughout much of the year. Rhubarb grown in hothouses (heated greenhouses) is called "hothouse rhubarb", and is typically made available at consumer markets in early spring, before outdoor cultivated rhubarb is available. Hothouse rhubarb is usually brighter red, more tender and sweeter-tasting than outdoors rhubarb.[3] In temperate climates, rhubarb is one of the first food plants harvested, usually in mid- to late spring (April/May in the Northern Hemisphere, October/November in the Southern Hemisphere), and the season for field-grown plants lasts until September. In the northwestern US states of Oregon and Washington, there are typically two harvests, from late April to May and from late June into July.[citation needed] Rhubarb is ready to consume as soon as harvested, and freshly cut stalks are firm and glossy.
His Ma told him that he was the product of a loving relationship with Father Christmas. Stacker’s cosy and fluffy world totally fell apart, and was totally devastated, when he was 15 years old and finally discovered that Father Christmas doesn’t exist.  
 
  
But even before that he’d had loads of aggro at primary school. When it came to assessing his IQ, the experts weren’t sure what to do. They weren’t actually sure that human life was even at all possible at Stacker’s level of intelligence. In the end, they decided to send him to a special-needs school. Unfortunately, he spectacularly failed the entrance exam, scoring the lowest marks ever recorded. There had never been a case like it, so the experts, entirely bereft of solutions, decided that there was nothing for it but to send him to a “normal” school and hope for the best – a sort of “sink or swim” philosophy.
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In the United Kingdom, the first rhubarb of the year is harvested by candlelight in forcing sheds where all other light is excluded – a practice that produces a sweeter, more tender stalk.[4] These sheds are dotted around the noted "Rhubarb Triangle" of Wakefield, Leeds, and Morley.[5]
  
Things didn’t work out very well at all. Right from the start, Stacker was singled out for his “extreme thickosity” and mercilessly harassed by his fellow pupils. He incessantly complained to his Ma that he was being ostracised and humiliated, but she (his Ma) had more than enough on her plate in dealing with his (Stacker’s) many “stepfathers”. 
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The advocate of organic gardening Lawrence D Hills lists his favorite rhubarb varieties for flavor as Hawke's Champagne, Victoria, Timperley Early, and Early Albert, also recommending Gaskin's Perpetual for having the lowest level of oxalic acid, allowing it to be harvested over a much longer period of the growing season without developing excessive sourness.[6]
In the way halfwits make their way in the world (see Cameron and Osborne), Stacker devised a plan to take the pressure off at school: he became a bubbler! He dobbed anyone and everyone in for whatever reason.  He thus ensured his protection, since all became wary of the “teachers’ pet. All of which is understandable in a way, since even now he’s five-foot-six and 15 stone, which never changed from 16 onwards and was the main reason why folks found him so utterly repulsive.
 
  
But repulsive is what Stacker didn’t want to be (in spite of his physical appearance) He was still a virgin at 20 years old and he desperately wanted to be the mutt’s nuts, the “it” fella, the “James Bond” of his generation, and  cool as fück – the very description of “manly”. So he sounded out his chances of at least getting a remote chance a bit of nooky – and he happened upon the British Army! He’d always found squaddies second only to pop-stars (at which Stacker had no chance whatsoever) in their ability to attract nooky, and so he applied himself to the task when he left school with no qualifications whatsoever.  
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Because rhubarb is a seasonal plant, obtaining fresh rhubarb out of season is difficult in colder climates, such as in the UK, Ireland, Russia, etc. Rhubarb thrives in areas of direct sunlight and can successfully be planted in containers if they are large enough to accommodate a season's growth.
  
Sandhurst politely replied that they weren’t interested, likewise the SAS and Paras, and so did sundry other regiments. But the “Really Large Corps” seemed to be interested. Stacker couldn’t add, couldn’t subtract, but he could stack stuff. He was really good at stacking stuff. So he was hired.
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Rhubarb damaged by severe cold should not be eaten, as it may be high in oxalic acid, which migrates from the leaves and can cause illness.[7]
But what the head-sheds hadn’t reckoned with was the fruits of Stacker’s negative upbringing and the lengths he’d adopted to hide it. No-one was aware of just how extremely vindictive, malicious and spiteful his past had made him. But he was initially very careful to mask his sinister and malevolent intentions, since he’d had enough practice in the art.
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A bundle of organic, cultivated rhubarb
  
When he first appeared on ARRSE, he was the ho, ho, ho good comrade for all. That was until he was denigrated as a terminal thickie. He then decided to appeal to the “men” on ARRSE and make his “manly” mark by casually mentioning that he’d had to “give his ‘old lady’ a slap because she’d spilled his beer”. He’d hoped that would establish his “manliness” for all those concerned. Instead, he kicked off a wave of repulsion, since ARRSErs don’t take kindly to folks abusing others.
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The color of rhubarb stalks can vary from the commonly associated crimson red, through speckled light pink, to simply light green. Rhubarb stalks are poetically described as "crimson stalks". The color results from the presence of anthocyanins, and varies according to both rhubarb variety and production technique. The color is not related to its suitability for cooking:[8] The green-stalked rhubarb is more robust and has a higher yield, but the red-coloured stalks are much more popular with consumers.[citation needed]
 
 
After that, Stacker panicked and tried to re-establish his “macho” credentials a little later when he mentioned that he’d already been to court twice on drunk-driving charges. That also didn’t go down well at all with other ARRSErs, some of whom had lost friends and relatives to such irresponsible idiots.  
 
 
 
He then decided that he was going to be a "formidable" discussion partner. That didn’t work out either. He never, at any time, had the intellectual wherewithal to even get close to folks like “smartascarrots”, among many, many others, who easily and comprehensively demolished his naive and simplistic arguments. At some point in time, Stacker decided that he was going to be the “last one standing”. So, in his own little intellectual world, he decided that if (when) he had the last word, he triumphed. Which is where his ARRSE “reputation” comes from. Indeed, in one memorable exchange, Stacker tirelessly argued his totally hopeless case until 04:30 hours; whereupon his “opponent” thought that it was complete waste of time and decided to go to bed. Only to find a triumphant PM from Stacker later that day that stated, since he (the “opponent”) had given up, he (Stacker) had clearly won the argument! Indeed!
 

Revision as of 18:26, 21 January 2016

Rhubarb is grown widely, and with greenhouse production it is available throughout much of the year. Rhubarb grown in hothouses (heated greenhouses) is called "hothouse rhubarb", and is typically made available at consumer markets in early spring, before outdoor cultivated rhubarb is available. Hothouse rhubarb is usually brighter red, more tender and sweeter-tasting than outdoors rhubarb.[3] In temperate climates, rhubarb is one of the first food plants harvested, usually in mid- to late spring (April/May in the Northern Hemisphere, October/November in the Southern Hemisphere), and the season for field-grown plants lasts until September. In the northwestern US states of Oregon and Washington, there are typically two harvests, from late April to May and from late June into July.[citation needed] Rhubarb is ready to consume as soon as harvested, and freshly cut stalks are firm and glossy.

In the United Kingdom, the first rhubarb of the year is harvested by candlelight in forcing sheds where all other light is excluded – a practice that produces a sweeter, more tender stalk.[4] These sheds are dotted around the noted "Rhubarb Triangle" of Wakefield, Leeds, and Morley.[5]

The advocate of organic gardening Lawrence D Hills lists his favorite rhubarb varieties for flavor as Hawke's Champagne, Victoria, Timperley Early, and Early Albert, also recommending Gaskin's Perpetual for having the lowest level of oxalic acid, allowing it to be harvested over a much longer period of the growing season without developing excessive sourness.[6]

Because rhubarb is a seasonal plant, obtaining fresh rhubarb out of season is difficult in colder climates, such as in the UK, Ireland, Russia, etc. Rhubarb thrives in areas of direct sunlight and can successfully be planted in containers if they are large enough to accommodate a season's growth.

Rhubarb damaged by severe cold should not be eaten, as it may be high in oxalic acid, which migrates from the leaves and can cause illness.[7] A bundle of organic, cultivated rhubarb

The color of rhubarb stalks can vary from the commonly associated crimson red, through speckled light pink, to simply light green. Rhubarb stalks are poetically described as "crimson stalks". The color results from the presence of anthocyanins, and varies according to both rhubarb variety and production technique. The color is not related to its suitability for cooking:[8] The green-stalked rhubarb is more robust and has a higher yield, but the red-coloured stalks are much more popular with consumers.[citation needed]