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Santa Claus

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'Santa Claus' (AKA Saint Nicolas AKA Kris Kringle AKA Father Christmas) is a fat German man long sought by authorities in connection to many millions of late night break-ins, during which he is alleged to have 'observed children whilst sleeping' before leaving his notorious and somewhat ambiguous calling card: a gaily coloured curved 'rod' made of candy.

Bizarrely in this age of BEWARE THE STRANGER, during December parents take their children to large department stores and quite enthusiastically hand them over to a fat bloke, smelling of stale alcohol in an obvious disguise who sits the child on his knee and asks them personal questions! FFS, bad parenting or what?

Not for nothing does a well known song about this obvious paedo 'Santa' character include the lines

  • "you better watch out, You better not cry." - an obvious threat followed by a demand not to make any noise (possibly after being stuffed into a divan drawer).
  • "He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!" - obviously stalking children with a threat of implicit violence/assault.

Reputed to only come once a year which points to clear sexual frustration issues so making this man unsuitable to visit children. Dont get me started on his bulging sack!

Santa also made an appearance in the movie "Home Alone" starring Oprah. And finally "Santa" is an anagram of "Satan". Coincidence? I think not!