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Mystery Fish

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Mystery Fish

There is, in a dark and deep far-off sea, the breed of fish that is processed to make the filling for Army sandwiches.

No-one has ever seen a specimen of this fish in the live state. Few have seen it dead and whole. Most of us only encounter it after it has been mashed to a pulp and smeared between two slices of Lidl's Loaf to make a sandwich.

The Mystery Fish fills a similar ecological niche to the Donner, a medium sized ungulate that is killed and macerated to provide kebab meat.

Some speculate that it is not a fish at all, but is the processed remains of the dead. Others suggest that cat poo might be used as a more nutritious (and fishy) substitute.

For those of you who deny ever having the delights of Mystery Fish, or who have repressed the memories, take yourselves to a Sticky Carpet drink copious amounts of alcohol, trap off with a beauty to behold and, when you wake up next to it in the morning, stick your head under the quilt and inhale........ remember now?