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Madeleine McCann

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Maddy In Boot

Winner of the 2007 Portugese Hide-and-Seek Open, Tabloid gold and a story that will most likely run on and on and on until our nearest star disappears up its own hoop. This tale can be perceived as either a tragedy, gross negligence, a scam, or the most elaborate hoax since Elvis Presley was seen riding Shergar in to a UFO.

It all started when the McCann family decided to take a holiday in Portugal in 2007. The McCanns tucked their nippers up in bed and promptly went on the piss in a local restaurant, presumably never having heard of a concept known as getting a babysitter in. When they returned, they found young Maddie... gone!

The authorities were informed and a fruitless search ensued, which yielded little in the way of fruit and nothing in the way of Maddie. The holiday had gone horribly tits and it was obvious that Maddie was either:

  • Dead
  • Hiding under a bed in Yorkshire
  • Abducted by evil Moroccan slave traders
  • In MDN’s luxury basement sampling his collection of ball gags
  • All of the above
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Crikey, that’s torn it!

The Portuguese police quickly pointed the finger of doubt at the McCanns and it was only a matter of time before head of Lisbon CID Gino Hunta uttered the immortal words: Você é fucking abaixo apreensão meu cocker velho!

The McCanns were released and returned to England whereupon they started a fighting fund to pay for the worldwide search. Within seconds, the Great British Public had donated £20 million.

By now, the tabloids had got their teeth in to the saga and had pretty much found the McCanns guilty of abduction, murder, or worse. The Portuguese were far from happy either as the episode had damaged their tourist industry. It was therefore easier to blame the McCanns than initiate a costly and protracted extradition warrant for MDN.

So there you have it. The McCanns are loaded. Maddy – if she even existed in the first place – is still missing. And MDN is a free man – at liberty to while away the hours gimped up in his dank basement.

One thing is for certain though: the days of bulging bank accounts are well and truly over – thanks to a bunch of inbred Northern pikeys and a scam they lifted off a 1970 episode of Bergerac. See The Matthews Family for the sad, gut churning, outrage-inspiring story.