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Little-known Facts about the SAS

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  1. All UK pubs are required by law to have one alcoholic regular who used to be a member of the SAS and was one of the first pair into the Iranian Embassy.
  2. Andy McNab's real name is Cyril Clunge. All British soldiers have a mate who knows him and thinks that he's either a good bloke or a tosser.
  3. During selection, potential SAS recruits are required to bite the head off a live ferret - except in Dog Soldiers where they have to shoot a live dog!
  4. All SAS men must now sign a contract agreeing never to disclose anything about their service, never to call any officer 'Sir' and never to trim their moustaches.
  5. The wine served in both messes at Stirling Lines (complete with winged dagger SAS motif wine label) is in fact, cheap German wine purchased from the local Netto.
  6. Inside the Sgt's Mess in a glass case is a dressed up mannequin in genuine Iranian Embassy garb! Only it's not a mannequin. It is in fact a retired SAS soldier who is paid to stand in the glass case completely still from 12.30 pm until the bar closes around midnight. He is entitled to free food and refreshments in the bar too.
  7. They are vulnerable to kryptonite, but only during a full moon.
  8. All serving SAS soldiers are discreet, witty, down-to-earth, good blokes; none of them are Waltish, swollen-headed, egotistical, prima donnas with a hotline to the Daily Mirror's Defence Correspondent.
  9. Since Dog Soldiers came out, all SAS weapons are loaded with silver bullets in case they meet real werewolves.
  10. To prepare for his role as Henno Garvey in Ultimate Force, actor Ross Kemp practised milling with his wife - flame haired editrix Rebekah Wade. Unfortunately he lost and was RTU'd to Eastenders. [Did Rebekah get through selection?]
  11. David Stirling, the SAS founder, had a pet hamster called Bismark.
  12. Andy McNab now runs an Anne Summers franchise in Brighton.
  13. Trooper Jimbo 'The Hatchet' Johnson's autobiography On The Piss In Hereford has been turned down by 37 publishers.
  14. My Dad was in the SAS.
  15. During the Malayan Emergency the SAS were known by the Communist guerrillas as 'The Moustaches from Hell'.
  16. The Sultan of Oman owes the SAS a few beers... Probably a brewery.
  17. The SAS spelt backwards is SAS.
  18. The real Iranian Embassy siege only lasted two minutes. The TV footage was a dramatised re-enactment for the cameras.
  19. During the Falklands Conflict the SAS pioneered the use of specially trained exploding penguins.
  20. In the first Gulf War the SAS pioneered the use of laser guided specially-trained exploding 'smart' camels.
  21. The SAS are wanted for questioning by the World Wildlife Fund, the RSPCA and David Attenborough.
  22. 'A Fresher Sod' is an anagram of SAS Hereford.
  23. Most people in the town of Hereford have eleven toes and play the theme tune from the film Deliverance on the banjo.
  24. SAS is an anagram of ASS.
  25. The SAS drink Scrumpy. Lots of it.
  26. The SAS drink anything. Lots of it.
  27. The Australian SAS have a mounted Kangaroo Squadron.
  28. The Iranian SAS don't exist.
  29. More soldiers have been RTU'd from Hereford than have actually served in the army since 1624.
  30. SAS initiation rituals include eating the torso of a child and drinking a whole bottle of cider... Fackin Nails!
  31. Colour blindness is reason for RTU, as not correctly quoting the colour of the Boathouse is a security breach.
  32. SAS soldiers carry a tampon with them in their first aid pack, it has many uses.
  33. SAS soldiers also carry condoms for water collection in an emergency, allegedly.
  34. The SAS selection process includes escaping an a Mondeo through a chemical plant full of obstacles, hardly fair for those who have no driving licence.
  35. The SAS are famous for the 'double-tap'. This is where they tap you on the shoulder not once, but twice to gain your attention.