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Hand to Gland Combat

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The beastly practice of masturbation.

Also referred to as:

  • A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
  • Auditioning the hand puppet
  • Badgering the witness
  • Banging one out
  • Bashing the Bishop
  • Beating the * out of your best friend
  • Beating the s*** out of your incapacitated midget
  • Beating the snot outta Rotney
  • Beating the snotty end of my * stick
  • Blueball baseball
  • Burping the worm
  • Calling down for more Mayo
  • Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
  • Caping the crusader
  • Cheating on your other hand
  • Checking the plumbing
  • Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
  • Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
  • Cleaning my Gun
  • Cleaning the pipes
  • Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
  • Committing mass spermicide
  • Custard Howitzer
  • Decongesting the weasel
  • Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
  • Doing ones washing by hand
  • Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
  • Dropping the kids off at the pool
  • Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
  • Evicting the testicular squatters
  • Firing the presidential staff
  • Fishing for zipper trout
  • Five-finger discount
  • Flogging your dumber brother
  • Foreplay with Fistina
  • Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
  • Freeing the hostages
  • Freeing Willy
  • Getting your palm red
  • Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
  • Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
  • Giving the seamen shore leave
  • Giving yourself a helping hand
  • Giving yourself a low five
  • Grooming the wookie
  • Having a play date with your little friend
  • Having a puppet show in your pants
  • Having a staff meeting
  • Hitchhiking under the Big Top
  • Knocking one out
  • Launching the morning missile
  • Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
  • Making special sauce with frank and beans
  • Making the bald guy cry
  • Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
  • Making the llama spit
  • Manhandling your man-handle
  • Milking the blue veined yogurt chucker
  • Milking the bull
  • Milking the one-eyed Vomiting Wound Ferret
  • Million sperm march
  • My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
  • One-handed workout
  • Opening up a bottle of Squirt
  • Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
  • Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
  • Playing the stand-up organ
  • Playing with Yoosef
  • Polishing my rocket
  • Polishing the family jewels
  • Polishing the hot rod
  • Polishing the purple people pleaser
  • Practicing for the Big Game
  • Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
  • Rapid one arm pull-ups
  • Releasing the Olympic Doves
  • Riding the Great White Knuckler
  • Romancing the bone
  • Roughing the passer
  • Roughing up the suspect
  • Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
  • Running in single-user mode
  • Running off a batch by hand
  • Sanding the obelisk
  • Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
  • Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
  • Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
  • Shaking the hand of the self-employed
  • Shooting tadpoles at the moon
  • Shooting the pump action porridge gun
  • Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
  • Spackling the ceiling
  • Spending some quality time with yourself
  • Spilling my children on my belly
  • Spit-polishing the purple helmet
  • Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
  • Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
  • Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
  • Taking little Elvis to Graceland
  • Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
  • Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
  • Target practice with the yogurt gun
  • Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
  • Tenderizing the tube steak
  • Test-firing the meat missile
  • Testing the hand cream dispenser
  • Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
  • Tube sock tango
  • Warming up the altar boy's dinner
  • White-water wristing
  • Wrapping my hand around my c*** and blowing a load all over my mother
  • Zygote spraying


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