Hand to Gland Combat

The beastly practice of masturbation.

Also referred to as:

• A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
• Auditioning the hand puppet
• Badgering the witness
• Banging one out
• Bashing the Bishop
• Beating the * out of your best friend
• Beating the s*** out of your incapacitated midget
• Beating the snot outta Rotney
• Beating the snotty end of my * stick
• Blueball baseball
• Burping the worm
• Calling down for more Mayo
• Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
• Caping the crusader
• Cheating on your other hand
• Checking the plumbing
• Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
• Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
• Cleaning my Gun
• Cleaning the pipes
• Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
• Committing mass spermicide
• Decongesting the weasel
• Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
• Doing ones washing by hand
• Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
• Dropping the kids off at the pool
• Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
• Evicting the testicular squatters
• Firing the presidential staff
• Fishing for zipper trout
• Five-finger discount
• Flogging your dumber brother
• Foreplay with Fistina
• Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
• Freeing the hostages
• Freeing Willy
• Getting your palm red
• Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
• Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
• Giving the seamen shore leave
• Giving yourself a helping hand
• Giving yourself a low five
• Having a play date with your little friend
• Having a puppet show in your pants
• Having a staff meeting
• Hitchhiking under the Big Top
• Knocking one out
• Launching the morning missile
• Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
• Making special sauce with frank and beans
• Making the bald guy cry
• Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
• Making the llama spit
• Manhandling your man-handle
• Milking the blue veined yogurt chucker
• Milking the bull
• Milking the one-eyed Vomiting Wound Ferret
• Million sperm march
• My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
• One-handed workout
• Opening up a bottle of Squirt
• Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
• Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
• Playing the stand-up organ
• Playing with Yoosef
• Polishing my rocket
• Polishing the family jewels
• Polishing the hot rod
• Polishing the purple people pleaser
• Practicing for the Big Game
• Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
• Rapid one arm pull-ups
• Releasing the Olympic Doves
• Riding the Great White Knuckler
• Romancing the bone
• Roughing the passer
• Roughing up the suspect
• Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
• Running in single-user mode
• Running off a batch by hand
• Sanding the obelisk
• Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
• Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
• Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
• Shaking the hand of the self-employed
• Shooting tadpoles at the moon
• Shooting the pump action porridge gun
• Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
• Spackling the ceiling
• Spending some quality time with yourself
• Spilling my children on my belly
• Spit-polishing the purple helmet
• Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
• Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
• Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
• Taking little Elvis to Graceland
• Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
• Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
• Target practice with the yogurt gun
• Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
• Tenderizing the tube steak
• Test-firing the meat missile
• Testing the hand cream dispenser
• Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
• Tube sock tango
• Warming up the altar boy's dinner
• White-water wristing
• Wrapping my hand around my c*** and blowing a load all over my mother
• Zygote spraying