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ARRSE Poop Chart

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So which is yours then?

Moderators, please assist me with editing and reposting the image as more stools come in. Thanks - I have published the update image in the Comic section of the gallery.

The ARRSE Stool Scale or ARRSE Stool Chart is an aid designed to classify the faeces form into a number of groups. It was developed by Giblets and was first published in the ARRSEpedia in 2007. Giblets drew inspiration from the poo charts found in wikipedia that didn't show the true horror of Ration Pack, Beer, NAAFI poos that could explode from the Recti of serving personnel. The form of the stool depends on the time it spends in the colon and what went in to the mix before it was brewed.

The currently known types of stool are:

  • Type 1: Separate hard lumps, (hard to pass)
  • Type 2: Sausage-shaped, but lumpy
  • Type 3: Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface
  • Type 4: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft
  • Type 5: Soft blobs with clear cut edges (passed easily)
  • Type 6: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stew
  • Type 7: watery, no solid pieces (entirely liquid)
  • Type 8: The Poo from Hell, black, tarry, stinks and sticks like Napalm
  • Type 9: Grapeshot, a loud report and shotgun style poo

Types 1 and 2 indicate constipation through a Biscuits AB Brown diet only; 3 and (especially) 4 are the preferred types of stools as they are the easiest to drop and show a mixed diet of NAAFI/Cookhouse food. Types 5-6 are more symptomatic of diarrhea brought about by large volumes of drink, while type 7 may be a sign of cholera. Type 8 is in a league of its own as it comes from a place that nobody ever wants to visit; it comes out not as a poo, or even as a squit, but more of a lava flow, can be just as hot and sticks like grim death to any surface (apart from tissue paper) it comes into contact with; the attendant risks of removing said sludge from ones rectum are those of the 'finger-dipping-BAD' variety where one, through the sheer effort of removing with layer upon layer of tissue paper forces ones fingers (or whole hand) through the paper into the middle of the sludge (swarfega is the only known solution for hands after such an incident). Type 9 is called 'The Grapeshot' after historical cannons that would fire a large number of balls in a wide pattern to devastate a target, in this case, Gods' own porcelain. Such a poo can be devastating or hilarious depending on the place and the company at the time. A cubicle of a public toilet or a restaurant while seated can be the end of ones self respect, but a toilet in a barracks or squatting over a large sheet of white paper can be a cause for great hilarity.

Paradoxically, there are no known poo scales that take into account the military diet as the civvy diet creates only a limited range of poos (the military diet creates an almost infinite variety of them; some of which can be characterized as WMD).