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It's safe to say that any organisation or campaign that has a 'Czar' at its head is doomed to failure. We haven't got a Crime Czar yet, but give it time. It'll be some former quango-in-chief copper who's in the pay of the government, and like everything else that this (or any other government) touches, will be totally ineffective.

Getting tough on crime

Getting tough on crime has been a Labour mantra since... who cares, it's all bollocks anyhow. Here's how the Celestial Navigator hopes to achieve it:

• By letting everyone out of jail after six months. This proves that rehabilitation works and targets are duly met. It also prevents overcrowding and negates the need for newer jails - which cost money - which could better be spent on pointless brochures and rebranding exercises.

• By not putting anyone in to jail in the first place. This prevents overcrowding and negates the need for newer jails - which cost money - which could better be spent on pointless brochures and rebranding exercises.

• By ludicrously lenient sentencing by insane, Alzheimer's-ridden judges, totally out of proportion to the gravity of the offence. Manslaughter = six months. Non-payment of Television License = eight years.

• By stifling police effectiveness with Political Correctness and Human Rights legislation by having an unnatural obsession with anything that originates from Brussels. The eager embracement of Equal Opportunities legislation by various constabularies has ensured that disabled, black lesbians will make a devastating impact on criminal behaviour.

• By signing the 6th Protocol of the Convention on Human Rights, outlawing capital punishment of any kind and thus killing any chance of bringing back hanging, as well as de-classifying the two remaining swinging offences: Piracy with Violence and High Treason.

• Now teenage thieves, vandals, muggers and burglars who say sorry at the time of being caught will get the criminal chav off. WTF?

Getting tough on the causes of crime

Getting tough? The Dear Leader wouldn't know the meaning of the fucking word. Here's how:

• 24 hour drinking.

• 24 hour gambling.

• Legalised drugs.

• The downgrading of certain crimes to 'offences', thus hitting targets and looking great on the pie charts.

• Counting a 'crime' each time its reported ... even if its reported by several people.

There are more, but I'm bored with this entry now. Feel free to add, chop/change.