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Bit of a mindless, boring game with two teams of 11 attempting to kick a ball into the back of your opponents large net which is hung from a rectangular framework approximately 100+yards from your large net. Oddly this game attracts millions ... but then again so does The Sun. No accounting for taste I suppose.

Basic flaws in the premise of soccer:

Playing the game using a ball but WITHOUT being allowed to use the thing that makes us effective tool users - our ability to grasp. This is completely contrary to our evolution and something we should demonstrate at every oppotunity since without it we would be nothing. Also it is a game that encourages players to use their heads. This risks damage to the organ that seperates us (excluding MP's, soccer thugs and Sun readers) from the animals - our brains. A 1lbs soccer ball hitting the head at speed will cause brain damage. Doubt this? Just look at Rooney or HRH D Beckham ... neither likely to win a Nobel prize or indeed finish a book with a reading age above 5 years and under any time soon.

The game by the numbers:

• 1 man in black will be ritually abused throughout the 90 minutes the game takes. He should be short sighted but refuse to wear glasses. In South American countries he is fair game to be shot or chased out the stadium.
• 2 net minders are not allowed to play properly and must stand at each end of the ground being bored. They are the only ones allowed to use their hands so probably spend the 90 mins fiddling with themselves. The rest of the team hates their own net minder and keep the ball from him even kicking it towards their opponents net minder so he can get a shot.
• 4 number of days a year that soccer isn't on the TV. Over exposure or what?
• 11 players per team although you are allowed spares in case one of the on field players hurts himself when 'taking a dive' 'head butting an opponent' 'jumping into the crowd' or 'an opponent touches him with more than a featherlite caress'.
• 90 minutes split into 2 half's of 45 mins. The second half will mysteriously be a lot longer than the first half especially if the overly favoured team (ie Glasgow Rangers, Manchester United, Liverpool) is at home and a score behind. Injury time will be played till the 'better' team scores OR the crowd start to go home in disgust.
• 500+ Police and stewards who are there to stop the fans of the two teams from indulging in Hand to Hand Combat. Obviously the rammy is because the game is so F'in boring and it gives everyone something to do.
• 25 million pounds given to 2001-2006 England manager (Sven) over 5 years to win ZERO trophies. I could have done that for 1/100th the money AND generated a lot less bad publicity although that secretary he porked was rather cute.
• £3 billion is the level of debt of Premier League clubs. Given the current nightmare of the UK economy, expect more than one team to go under and its ground sold to Tesco (for a new superstore) to meet the teams debts.

Competitions:

Every 4 years a tournament to find the hardest soccer thugs in the world is held in a different country (presumably to allow the country that did it last time to repair the damage done to it during the last tourney). Riot police get massive overtime, insurance claims go through the roof, local hospitals get swamped with casualties and episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants are cancelled to allow time for newsflashes of the violence. At the same time a few soccer games are organized to fill in time between the rammies. National tourneys/duels to determine the local hardmen are held every year for 50 weeks causing localized damage but dont get the publicity of the world or euro tourneys.

Corruption:

In Italy and South America is is perfectly ok to fix matches, corrupt or threaten or blackmail referees, experiment with all manner of exciting financial irregularities and expect to be penalized not a jot. If you do get caught and rightly hammered ... you appeal and the spineless governing body backs down. Wot a beautiful game!

ps: dont feel smug in England ... there's eastern European criminals laundering money through your game!

Stars of the Game:

Once stars of soccer were men who could be admired, used as role models and invited on the after dinner speaking circuit without fear of inappropriate behaviour or language. Today however your soccer star is a chav or ned without the brains that god gave an earthworm. Interested only in drink, assaulting people who 'disrespect' them (although what actually constituted disrespect is a difficult subject), humping slutty tarts (who immediately sell their seedy story to the tabloids), crashing their cars and indeed any anti-social behaviour they like AND get away with it because they are rich and famous. When a soccer star is interviewed on tv, its like watching a car accident - its horrific but you cant drag your eyes from the scene of inarticulate, mindless, clichéd carnage of the English language. Recent stars in the news:

A Hearts player cruising (at 5mph) a chav housing scheme in Edinburgh with a loaded airpistol 'looking for a girl'!

Mr W Rooney punching out a colleague for asking would Rooney's slut Wag fancy a threeway.

Joey Barton (Newcastle United) given a six-month jail term for an assault on a 16yr old outside a McDonald's restaurant at 2am in the morning.

Getting caught 'Avin a bung' is the latest sigh creating event to embarrass the soccer authorities (excluding England's latest disaster). Somehow this involves illegal payments ending up in managers and agents pockets when a third rate player changes teams.