Smileys

As the name suggests, Emoticons (sometimes called smileys) are the only way to express human emotion on the internet, as shortly after Al Gore invented it, he passed a law stating that everything on it must be shortened to an acronym. Complex feelings, such as h8, are no exception, and so arose the age of the emoticon.

Common Emoticons

The XD emoticon as evidenced in real life.

:)

The traditional "smiley". Used to denote a lack of ability to provide an intelligent response. Similar to ROFLMAO.

:(

I have received bad news and must share it with complete strangers on the internet.

:'(

Holy shit! Run before you get their whole dismal life-story.

;(

Severely autistic, if someone uses this pretend you didn't see it. It's for your own safety, people.

:*

The writer has been punched in the mouth, possibly for the above.

<(^.^<)

Cry for help; direct to this website.

t('.'t)

Speaks for itself really. Correct response to any emoticon of the previous variety.

:/

:X

Commonly used to show that one's lips are sealed with packaging tape. Possibly BDSM, possibly kidnap victim. Probably both.

:P

The writer has some sort of disability that prevents keeping tongue in own mouth. Alternatively, the tongue might be in someone else's mouth.

>:(

The writer is angry. Or constipated. Or both.

:<

Homosexual cousin of >:(

:O

;)

'Wink'. The most infuriating emoticon by a long, long way. Used to imply secret, arcance or possibly highly dangerous knowledge.

:/

A shrug, sometimes showing a lack of satisfaction with a recent comment.

:|

Similar to the above, only much less satisfied.

>:/

Josef Fritzl. Commonly used in Australia.

Failing at life.

XD

This is a punctuation mark.

>:3

JESUS CHRIST, IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!

¯\(°_o)/¯

I dunno lol

۞_۟۞

Just saw Goatse for the first time.

+O

Gordon Brown. (Cyclops...)

Graphical and Animated Emoticons

Many complex emotions are represented here, including Homosexuality, Infantilism, the ever-popular "masturbating in the bath while listening to music" and "I have a rainbow coming out of my head." Useful stuff.

Find out more in the Dictionary