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Politicians

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Where's my effing pay rise?

Contents

Who They?

n. A politician is an elected representative of the people who is skilled or experienced in the science or administration of government.

OK, enough shite. A politician is a lying puddle of effluent. Self-serving, egotistical and tribal who claims to be working to better his society. But this is a Red Herring as he is in fact working to better himself, his mates and his family. Therefore a better definition might be ...

n. An inherently mendacious person who seeks power or access to it for personal gain by cynically manipulating people and exploiting situations regardless of the morality or consequences of those actions.

A politician is the sort of person who sends out the nation's military to do complex and dangerous jobs but without proper funding or support, with piss poor kit produced by BAE at massive profit - and then siccs the Monkeys on anyone who has the temerity to fire their weapons in self defence.... and no I don't have any one slime ball with the initials TB in mind here.

Politicians are a largely perfidious strain of humanity that's decided to opt out of Real Life and pursue their own aims in an orgy of self-serving control freakery at public expense. Politicians fall in to two distinct categories - regardless of political hue:

Low Life

Lefties, do-gooders, trade unionists, all human life is here - most of whom have never worked a day's graft in their lives. And that includes trade unionists, who, let's face it, usually get involved in such issues as to avoid getting shit under their finger nails on the shop floor.

To be fair, some of these people are in it for the right reasons: to represent their constituents and try to improve everyone's lot in a fair and democratic way. As noble as their cause may be, it ensures they're doomed to ply their 'trade' in pokey little broom cupboards in local government offices and their laudable motives ensure they will never fall in to the other category. For those that have no qualms or morality issues, it is the first rung of the very long ladder to absolute power and free lunches.

High Life

Falling in to this category means one thing and one thing only. You're a Class A, card-carrying cnut. You do not get to tread the halls of power by being mister nice guy. It's dog-eat-dog, and if fitting up that interfering twat from Central Office on a paedophile allegation is what it takes to get to the top of the tree than so be it. You have no quibbles about bubbling potential adversaries to the police or media for their after-hours 'Badger watching' antics and 'momentary madness'. You are a slimy, conniving bastard with the skills of a rattlesnake and the morals of a Romanian shoplifter and have your snout firmly in the trough... and it's fucking great!

The latest wheeze at the expense of the electorate is telling those that have to keep their commercial receipts for up to 6 years (the self employed and companies, so the taxman can come-a-knocking) that it is 'too burdensome' for politicians to be expected to do the same for the money they are grabbing directly out of the public purse, for either parliamentary, HM Revenue or public scrutiny. This is a seriously cushy number, but it gets better! The balance of their expenditure that IS receipted (only the really expensive stuff of course) is excluded from their own Freedom of Information Act - this, a law brought in by Parliament to ensure that any member of the public is entitled to ask for information held about them or those accountable to public bodies - to ensure transparency in government apparently . . . . unless you are an over-fed, sweaty bovine with your face firmly buried in the trough.

So its golf with the PM, subsidised booze at the Commons' bar, an open-ended expense account, fact-finding trips to the Seychelles and a God-given right to push in front of all the bottom-feeding proles in the canteen queue. Congratulations! You've made it... and countless enemies in the process. Still, fuck 'em. You're in the big chair now and they're singing to your tune. Good eh?

Europe

By far the worst of the breed (and the top of the political food chain) are the MEPs of the European Parliament - the anti-democracy, self-regulating, EU bureaucracy monster, the sole purpose of which is to contrive, confuse, confound and control... and keep its porcine members in a manner to which they have become accustomed: a lavish lifestyle of overseas trips, five star hotels and a seemingly bottomless slush fund paid for by guess who?

It's all unaccountable, they don't have to produce receipts for their 'expenses', and they even get paid for just pitching up - before promptly fucking off to spend the rest of the day being fellated by rent boys in the Groenendaal.

Conclusion

Whatever category politicians fall within, they're generally regarded by most people as untrustworthy liars who mean and do the exact opposite of what they say. Nice work if you can get it.

This polemic was brought to you in association with...

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