London

Capital city of our wondrous nation... well England anyway... OK, the Home Counties. The rest of us see it is as the home of the enemy. Once the seat of Empire, now little more than a squalid, multi-cultural hell hole full of footpads, vagabonds, Japanese tourists and Islamic nutcases.

London is now the most expensive place to live in the universe due to the rate of house price increases. Every person living in London is either

• a multi-millionaire with three Aston Martins in the garage, hordes of Essex girl servants and a helipad in the back garden (or rather they would be millionaires if they didn't have their mortgages to pay),

OR

• a free loading Nigerian taurag skimming data off peoples' Nectar cards!

London is to be the venue for the 2012 Olympic Games What a fcuking brilliant idea that was to bid for this little money spinner. What with the new Wembley Stadium as a benchmark of our engineering prowess, it's sure to be a total Cake and Arse Party of monstrous proportions. Put it this way: it's already £6 billion over budget - and there's three more years to go! Classic. And having a total clown as Boris Johnson at the helm hardly engenders confidence does it?

That said, there's plenty to see and do, and it's always worth a visit. But do it now, before some rabid, wild-eyed Jihadist transforms it in to a smouldering, radioactive wasteland - which would be a bloody shame.