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Cheese Possessed

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Ration pack cheese in a can? WTF? Oh yes, but not any old cheese: this has been fucked around with so much it's like eating salted PVC and about as nutritious. Can just about be melted down as part of a Bacon Grill cheeseburger but frankly, why bother?

Cheese Possessed frightens sprogs, septics and other non-squaddies, as for some strange reason they all believe that the texture of cheese isn't naturally crunchy. It looked quite pretty in sandwiches when garnished with the little gold shavings from opening the tin with your trusty Can Spanner.

There was also a rarely seen variety which was smoked (labelled Cheese Processed Ham Flavoured), the labelling of which was optimistic to say the least. Whether smoked over Woodbines or Oak shavings was never very clear.

The standard variety could also be made edible by garnishing with the Plum Jam which once (upon a time) resided in ration packs.

It became almost edible when used in toasted cheese sandwiches - more so than the Pilchards anyway!

Another culinary use for cheese possessed was to slice it and lay it over halved Babies Heads before incinerating them in a field oven.

However, a small tin of Cheese, Possessed was essential to the sport beloved of the licentious soldiery called Compo Cricket.

Apparently in the Korean War one of the 'shire regiments (?) was out of rounds and had to resort to chucking Cheese Possessed at the North Koreans whilst bugging out....

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As a young Junior, fresh from rural North Wales, I would not have believed it possible to make cheese without using any of the normal dairy and animal products. But it seems that MoD Boffins found that melting a traffic cone produces fromage suitable for canning and lowering the morale of poor buggers on exercise.