ADSC

Selection

ADSC (Army... something something something), or 'selection', as it is also known, is the British Army's standard examination of applicants who are hoping for a career in the armed forces of the UK as a regular soldier. In essence, it is just a two day job interview in which you'll find yourself stripped of your name and identity and instead referred to by a number as you crawl around in a cold, wet trench clad in clothing akin to that of contestants on Takeshi's Castle furiously trying to prove yourself to a load of bored officers.

What Does It Involve?

Apart from the above, which takes place on the second day, a number of things will happen. Applicants are examined in all aspects of their personality and fitness, receiving a grade at the end which will determine their 'trainability' and suitability for their chosen job(s). For a more comprehensive breakdown, see below.

Day One

On day one, said applicants disembark the train at Brookwood, Surrey, or wherever else they go. Lichfield and... a couple of others. The most eager will turn up on time or early, there'll be the odd one who strolls up at 13:00 wearing a tracksuit and "'oping for da raifols innit", and others wearing pristine suits. Either way, you all get ferried up to the local base to begin your two days of army life.

You'll get shown your rooms and do some other things, can't remember to the T but it involved getting given a sports bib with your number on it and your locker keys for the dorm. Shortly after, it's icebreaker time.

Icebreaker

The icebreaker is the test that many people fear. You'll find applicants lined up outside, quivering hands clutching their well-rehearsed notes, faces not so different to that of Jews being herded into a gas chamber.

Once inside, applicants quickly realise that everyone is undergoing the same ordeal, and that talking in front of eight people is not the end of the world. Some people speak like a uni lecturer, others look like a rabbit caught in headlights, but with true army efficiency, everyone is done in a relatively short amount of time.

The Medical

This section could actually be renamed 'The Deferral', as between 50-70% of your group will be sent home with heart murmurs, oversized testicles, no testicles, having weird knees, being one of those kids that is born with every disease known to man, having weird ears, generally being a mong, having eighteen toes, two arseholes, hidden tattoos, clit piercings, face piercings, being too hairy, having a unibrow, or just looking odd altogether - the list goes on. You will also be given a 20 minute genitalia grope 'just to be sure'.

Day 1 Fitness

Recruits will find themselves in their PT kits pretty sharpish, before experiencing an 'army warmup' to prepare them for the gladiator trials that await them. Depending on where you go, this is usually the PR.. something, basically where they test your strength. You'll do heaves, back extension tests, dynamic lifts and static lifts, before doing the famed jerry can carry. Despite popular belief, the handles are not slippery. You won't drop them if you just hold on to them as if they're two cases of gold bricks and some tickets to spend the night with Priya Rai (or Brad Pitt, if you have a clunge as opposed to a pork sword). Laps 1-3 are a breeze, 4-5 and everyone begins to get that constepated look on their faces.

Later on you'll experience a PT session, which is just great. Activities vary, but will no doubt have you hanging out your arse by the end of it. If you're not, and you're strutting around claiming it was a piece of piss, you will find yourself with a neat deferral the next day.

Other Fun

In the evening you learn things about grenades for a test the next morning. The test is very easy, and in fact there are so few facts to learn that you can just memorize them - half of it is common sense. Some SUTs will come and tell you stories about their time in training and how it's the best idea they ever had and how they're better people because of it at some point in the evening. To the untrained eye, this is the ultimate advert to the young hopefuls, but anyone in the know or equipped with a keen pair of eyes will notice the red dots hovering on each of the recruit's foreheads as they tell of their amazing time at said training establishment.

You'll have a couple of presentations blah blah too. In the (late) evening, you'll get to go to the resident scoff house for some hasty dinner, and whichever NCO is the shepherd of your little flock of lost sheep will ask you to rate the cooking and not hold back as 'we f***ing pay them enough'.

Later activities include lining up outside the stores and being handed your bedding, then watching people who have never done it before try and make a bed. A tip would be to intervene next time your old woman is heading for your bed laden with Thomas the Tank Engine quilting and say "Don't worry mum, I'll do that", and get used to it to save looking like a helpless 'tard strangling yourself with a pillow case when the Corporal strolls in asking why you weren't aborted.

Day Two

Morning, Treacle!

In the morning is the big 05:30 wake-up. Most people who work will have no problem with this, but there's always the 'gap year' crew who are used to waking up not far from the PM version of the same time, and so struggle to function as anything but a heavily sedated caveman for the duration of the morning's activities.

You'll strip your beds and clear everything up, and then it's PT kit and off you go for whatever you need to do that morning. First of all it's usually cleaning up the dorm and reception area. Again, the never-left-home crew will be sat around the hoover studying it like a martian artefact that just landed on Earth in a comet.

Breakfast is the next port of call nice and early, but now the dining establishment will vaguely resemble Gatwick South Terminal on a busy day in August. Except all the fit girls ready in the summer hotpants will now all be wearing combats and will be armed with guns. All the current haggard SUTs will eye you up and down and make you feel about as welcome as Barack Obama at a KKK meeting, and it's simply a case of 'eyes at your food and eat' before leaving pretty quickly ready for:

The Tests

The first test I had to do was the TST, which was meant to be the first day, but due to a timing mishap, was moved to the second. This involved everyone being issued with a broken calculator and broken pens, then scratching 55 mathematical answers into your paper in... however long it was. Not too bad if you've done you're homework, as the saying goes. If you try and wing it you won't have much fun.

The next is the grenade facts test. Not sure if that's the official title, but you know what I mean. This was perhaps the easiest test of the two days, yet a majority of my group looked like they were about to sit the final exam for their Aeronautical Engineering PhD. Most of the questions were common sense, and at the end of the exam a few members of my group were ferried outside. We all wondered why, until we found out they'd got two or more questions wrong - moments later there came the recognisable cracks of gunshots followed by the thuds of corpses hitting the floor.

The Run

The bit everyone cacks their wee pants over. You do a quick 800m warm up, then you get to the starting line. All of a sudden everyone can be found wearing 118 bibs and sporting moustaches, fully ready for the moment they've all been training for.

A few minutes later, and you're off! It is rumoured that live feeds of the event are streamed to the rooms of the SUTs, who all spend the £5 they've earned that month betting on the outcome of the 'race'.If you've done your training, you can come in with a decent time. Anyone who is preparing to turn up and scrape the bare minimum for their chosen regiment will have a right shock when they are deferred for being a c*** - the idea is to try your best and give it your all, not pussy about and make a half arsed attempt.

The Team-Tasks n Stuff

The team-task phase, with grenade test, makes up the last part of physical activity during the two days. Firstly you'll be issued your boiler suit and helmet, which is designed to make you look like a twat for morale purposes. You'll then get carted off to...

...a muddy trench! Here you'll enjoy the art of crawling on your stomach very fast in order to throw an L110 in to a Viet Congesque bunker. Getting the grenade near the hole isn't the objective of this game, it's simply testing your ability to shout GREEENNAAAADDDDDEEEEEEEEE! like there really is a grenade about to land on your head.

After you've done this a couple of times, the officer/SNCO will line you all up to do it again. This time, though, you have to race the other team, and you have to carry on an extra 50m along the woodland floor and then sprint to the end. This, ladies and gentlemen, won't be regarded as one of the most enjoyable experiences of your lives - especially if you lose, in which case you have to do it again.

After that Vernon Kay and a studio audience will show up, and you must undergo the trials that are the team tasks. Here you'll have your 'team playa' abilities tested to the max, as you have to formulate a plan with complete strangers in about 10 seconds then repeat it flawlessly to whoever is overseeing your group.When you've all solidly forgotten what the f*** it was you were going to do, you have to get over [allocated obstacle] in [allocated time]. This usually turns into a royal s***fest as one dick on the team tries to lord it over everyone else and viva la revolution ensues. Eventually you don't make it over the obstacle and you receive a 'how you should have done it you dumb c***s' lecture from a Corporal/officer who feels they are leading a group of spastics round the confectionary isle at Tescos.

Once this is all done, it's wind down time. The last of the fitness is done, and it's off to get showered and all done-up for...

The Big Moment

Showered, shaved (girls too... hur hur hur), suited and booted, recruits will find themselves in the reception area (or elsewhere, depending on ADSC venue) waiting for the final interview. Your numbers are called up in twos or threes, as there will be a few officers running the interviews. When your number is called, you go out to the interview rooms to have your fate revealed.

In the meantime, you get to sit and watch as other recruits come out with the holy 'brown envelope' containing a pass certificate and a DVD explaining all your future adventures in Phase 1 training. Others will walk past with welled-up eyes, some will go into the toilets and drown themselves in a bog - you'll know when someone's been deferred or told they're too much of an idiot to be trusted near any sort of ordnance.

Once you are inside the hallowed interview room, it's a case of having a chat not so dissimilar to the second interview at the AFCO. Same rules apply, be yourself n all that. You've made it that far, it'd be a kick in the balls to ruin it at that point by telling a racist 'knock knock, who's there?' joke to the unimpressed captain sat across from you.

You'll be told where you're crap, and where you're good, and then they'll tell you your grade or send you home empty handed. You'll leave with suicidal thoughts or with a brown envelope, the latter of which providing you with an overwhelming sense of achievement even at such an early stage in your military career. Still plenty of time to go wrong, so it ain't the be all and end all!

ADSC Averages

For the benefit of those who constantly ask about run times, heaves, jerry can carries and the like, I've taken the rough average from what I personally observed in my short stay at Pirbright. According to the PTI, we had a 'pretty fit' group.

NOTE: The group was all-male, so I don't know anything about female averages. In no way should these be used as times to aim for, you should do everything you can to achieve your personal best. They'd be a good start, however.

Run Time: 09:55 (slowest 10:43)

Heaves: 9

Jerry Cans: All Passed (Full Distance)

Dynamic Lift: All Passed (Max Weight)