Hi. I`m a newly promoted stripey and have been lemmoned for Mr Vice at the next function. Any advice on do`s and don`ts would be appreciated coz I don`t want to end up on duty every other weekend till Christmas. Cheers

Ah yes ,I remember it well.Just listen out for the announcement "Mr Vice,the Queen",and watch out for the PMC's nod that everybody has stood up before announcing the Loyal Toast.Good luck and remember that you're only going to do it once!

No problem Sj,

Just remember at the next regimental dinner, if peple attending are getting a little desperate in the toilet department, Mr Vice has the right to interupt the procedings, at any time, and anounce to all present, "EASE SPRINGS".
Ofcourse this has to be anounced in the correct manner. Ask your friendly neighbourhood RSM for advice.

It is also Mr Vice's duty to ensure that no port goes to waste on the night, ie it must all be drunk.

Do not confuse this with "Mr Vice must drink ALL the left over port".

I've seen that done a couple of times by newly pipped subbies... quite funny when they get on to the second decanterful. * :-/

Cheers for the advice Unforgiven and HVM_boy.
Not too sure about yours Treebeard.
Next you`re be telling me that when I`m on the range I just have to say "LADS GET LOADED"??????
Could be awkward!
Come to think of it it could also be intresting though.
Anyway I`ll let you know how many extras I get.
By the way. The grace. Is there a set wording or do I just blag it. I seen the other thread and I aint saying it Latin for a start.

No Padre, Thank God.


Got me mate 2 extras

1. *Get ALL the details from the PMC - write them on a piece of card, learn the routine and keep the card so that you can have a last minute check before sitting down to dinner. Do NOT take advice from others as gospel - some wicked people want to have bit of a laugh.

2. *Stay sober until you are in the barafterwards. *Do not drink before sitting down, have one or two glasses of wine at the table and try and drink as little port as possible.

3. * Watch out for:
a. *Mobile phones taped under the table or chair - they go off at inopportune moments.
b. *Your port glass may have a hole drilled in it.
c. *Cutlery tied to your chair.
d. *Talcum powder in your napkin.

......and a whole host of other 'triffic wheezes.

Hope I havn't spoilt anyones fun... ;)

Take "Port Fines" with a pinch of salt.....just nod and smile sweetly at the RSM.

DON'T cough up (unless you have more money than sense!)

When challenged days later about them, give him your solicitor's number and say he is holding them for him and would Sir mind giving him a bell...

Tell some good jokes, the RSM will let you off with anything

Here are some;

paddy looks in a mirror and sez to murphy by jings I recognise him, let me have a look sez murphy. You ferkin edjit it's me

A woman receives a letter from anne summers

Thank you for your order received today . please reorder as the dildo that you have chosen from our shop display is in fact a fire extinguisher ;)

Pads wives will love them ;)

When you've given the Loyal Toast, wait till all sit back down and say in a loud but regal voice, 'God bless her' whilst raising your glass to Her portrait. *The older members attending the meal love this and it will make your RSM happy.

Don't listen to the above about dirty jokes. *The RSM WILL give you extras for this. *Try this one. *Purchase from a joke shop, a few magicians tricks, like pulling a long hanky from your top pockets, or flowers from up your sleeve. *Even try the magic hanky trick with spoons hidden under the hanky! *Do this whilst standing on your chair. *If you have enough confidence, wear a fezz, and put on a Tommy Cooper stance and accent. *Trust me, you'll go down a bomb, and be the life of the party.