ARmy Rumour SErvice

Fuck me, I know I shouldn't reply to what is an automated message. But jebus! What a load of bollocks!


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The helmsmans face showed white through the wheelhouse window.....

Radar to bridge: Target bearing XXXXXXXXXXXX, tracking ...

Captain to the bridge, captain to the bridge...

Captain (arriving breathless on the bridge in pink fluffy pyjamas): What is it No 1?

Jimmy the 1: Dunno sir, radar just spotted a target on the over-the horizon radar. Er would you mind doing your flies up sir, you are about to dangle in me Kye.

Captain: Sorry No 1, no zip in these jim jams. Can radar give us an idea what it is?

Jimmy the 1: Bridge to Radar, can you get an ID?

Radar: Trying sir

Jimmy the 1: You might as well finish my Kye since you been dangling in it.

Captain: Thanks number one. I say, the helmsman seems a bit white faced, is he ok?

Jimmy the 1: I think it's the first time he's seen the CO in pink jammies with fluffy rabbit ears, sir.

Radar to Bridge: Got a good fix on the item now but still not sure what it is, permission to wake the duty Int Officer in War Office, and get the duty analyst out, sir?

Captain: Belay that, Radar. Give me a course to intercept. Number 1 lay a course to intercept whatever it is.

Jimmy the one: Er , err

Captain: Come on man this could be war. Give me that course NOW.

Jimmy the 1: (reluctantly) aya aye sir.

Captain: Sound Action Stations

Sounds off: "Dyou hear there ACTION STATIONS; Gongs clanging, sound of ipods being unplugged.

Jimmy the 1: Here you are sir. The target is about 110 nautical miles from here.

Captain: Full steam ahead Number 1.

Chief engineer: Ah cannae gie ye any morr speed Capn, the shields are failing and we are close to warp speed as it is.

Spok: Dielithium crystals at maximum temperature, captain.

Jimmy the 1: Err who are these people sir? (indicates Scotty and Spok)

Captain: Never mind that, signal the fleet "England expects that every man will do his duty this day" or something like that.

Jimmy the 1: Er, aye aye sir, but ...

Captain: But me no buts Number 1. Whats our speed?

Jimmy the 1: Er, we are static sir.

Captain: Static? STATIC? I asked for full speed ahead, Number 1.

Jimmy the 1: Yes sir, but there is a slight problem..

Captain: Problem? What problem???

Jimmy the 1: Well sir, we are a stone frigate, so we don't have any engines ... sir (voice tails away)

Captain: Dont have any bloody engines Number 1? For G....

Radar to Bridge:

Captain: Yes Radar?

Radar: It seems to be some sort of vehicle, sir.

Captain: Vehicle..... out at s..

Jimmy the 1: Stone frigate sir, stone frigate..

Captain: Ahem, yes of course. Right. er. I know, launch the helicopter Number 1.

Jimmy the one: Aye aye Sir!

Wokka to Gannet: Garble garble garble crackle fizz

Captain: What was that Number 1?

Jimmy the 1: I think he said "Garble garble garble crackle fizz", sir.

Captain: Jolly good, Number 1. I am going below now, keep me informed.

Wokka to Gannet: It's a fucking tractor.

Jimmy the : Roger, wokka...

Armaments to bridge: Missiles locked on, phasers set to stun. Permission to open fire?

Jimmy the 1: Er no better not. Stand down all.

The helmsans face showed white through the wheelhouse window.....

"What's that Skip? A farmer is trapped under his tractor in a field near Straiton in Ayrshire? And your gonna fly your wokka in to rescue him? Bloody good 'roo, Skip - off you go, fella".

"It looked like the tractor had slipped on mud and then capsized -."

I demand flotation bags for all tractors!!!

Apparently the gratefull and stupid farmer said "get orfff moiii laaand!"

How low the Navy has sunk.







In the good old days they'd have nicked his wallet and shagged his wife and daughters whilst he was unconcious.