Does anyone else get the raging horn when they’re hungover? I’ve been priapic all day after a night on the guinnesses and little RTFQ has been ‘in review order’ since naafi break. I went to lunch after Moodybitch suggested I get some scran (that's not the only thing she suggested, the minx), as I couldn’t face the mass humanity of the dining room, I opted for a bar meal. There was an ulterior motive for this decision. The barmaid (let’s call her Mary to protect her real name, which is Michelle) is a pert little thing from the province. She has lovely blue eyes, a quick, pretty smile and ma-husive chebs for such a small frame (I asked, she’s a 32D).
I flirt harmlessly with her when I’m ordering drinks, because quite frankly it makes her day, but today was different. I’m stood at the bar feeling like Dr Jekyll trying to fight Mr Hyde whilst little RTFQ is trying to jump up to the bar to see what all the fuss is about. All I wanted was an OJ and lemonade, but the word “Blowjob” wouldn’t leave my mind. I managed to order my drink, she pours it and asks “Ice?” This stumps me as what I heard was “Please bend me over the bar, cover my waps with pork scratchings and fcuk me like the stallion you are.” Mary is clearly used to me staring agape at her t1ts when she asks me things so proceeds to put cubes in my drink anyway. By this stage mini RTFQ is drooling and proceeding to experiment on the breaking strain of CS95 trousers, all the while my brain is about 5 seconds behind events and feels like its been knocked around like Little Mo off Eastenders.
Things now start to get out of hand. She drops an ice cube on the bar, quickly picks it up and puts it in her mouth. Now, my brain instantly gets back on mission when her hand is about 5cm from her lips, and the whole thing goes soft-focus slow motion. I even caught a glimpse of her pointy pink tongue darting out to the cube just before entry. Oh bollox, the horn is back… hang on, I just need to readjust.

That’s better, right, so I turn from the bar with my drink and put the other hand in my pocket in order to hide the fact I have a stalk on and painfully aware that I’m wearing loose boxers. For the benefit of the ladies I will explain that CS95 trousers and loose keks are NOT a good combo when ‘Roger is Agitated.’ Meanwhile Michelle disappears into the back room.
I’m just about to sit down when there’s a smash. Sounds like Michelle has tipped over a load of glasses so I gallantly go to the backroom on the off chance that she did so whilst masturbating furiously on the worktop. Again, little RTFQ is leading from the front like a demented mini H Jones.
I turn into the room. And walk straight into Michelle. Who, in a gloriously Carry-on moment, is bent over picking up pieces of glass. Mini RTFQ is pushed firmly against her left buttock. I’ve explained that CS95 is flimsy, and little RTFQ ain’t that little when in fighting order, so there is no way she could NOT feel the arrival of my closest friend. She recoils and I try to grab her hips to (I SWEAR) stop her falling forward into the glass. Unfortunately she turns quickly to, understandably, identify who it was who just tried to storm the breach. For the briefest of seconds my left hand brushes her right butt cheek. She looked shocked, I was probably staring agape at her chebs again.

All this is all very, very bad. I have unwittingly just performed two acts of sexual harassment. Luckily I have by now gone extremely red and I start apologising maniacally.

With a twinkle in her eye she says in that beautiful Irish brogue: “Don’t go worrying about it” - a lightning quick look at my crotch – “I didn’t feel a thing.” The lying cow. :(

So, has anyone’s extreme arousal ever got them in trouble before? I’d be interested to know if any of the ladies have ever slipped off a bus seat because the bus driver was fit?

Secondly, do you reckon, after the whole ice-cube, witty come-back situation that she wants some of me? I might get drunk and sing Neil Diamond at her or something…..

hun just think of your/some1's grandparents ragging, should cure the little soldier from reappearing for a bit

It's alright, the lass is coming up tonight. We might play my favourire 'gestapo officer and petulent french barmaid' game again:

"Kommen Sie hier you feisty surrender monkey! Ich mochte spanken sie mit mein Bratwurst!"

"Oooh La la Monsieur Faust, je n'aime pas le gra- mmmmph mmm slurp"

Just had a phone call from the mess manager. My sphyncter actually spasmed:

"Capt RTFQ, I wanted to speak about the incident in the bar this lunchtime"

Simply wrote Bugger....I looked to the nearest door, blocked by the fat typist, on third floor, could risk a PLF onto the concrete below, are those sirens I can hear

"Look the whole thing was an accident"

"OK sir, but it needs to be recorded, there are proceedures to be followed you know"

"I understand that, but really nothing happened"

"That's not what Miss ****** told me"

My career's over, I'm going to jail, I'll be on a police register for the rest of my life.

"Have you spoken with anyone else yet?"

Maybe I can slot the fcuker and put the scares on the girl. It is simply amazing how quickly one becomes a criminal mastermind in such circumstances.

"Not yet sir, how is it by the way?"

"Erm.....you what?"

"How is it? I understand it gave Miss **** quite a shock"

"..............."

"Sir?"

"Is this a wind up?"

"Snigger, Not at all sir, I understand you cut your finger when you helped to pick up the glass, it needs to go in the accident book"

Fcuker obviously knew the story and was playing me like a 2 dollar banjo. Bastard, I very nearly sh@t.

RTFQ absolutely fcuking brilliant, almost fell off my chair with laughter, rest of the mess thought i had gone completely and utterley mad as a fish, talk of padded room and the like, all will be ok as long as the new pains in my chest subside and i am able to make my way back to the bar post happy hour and recount your story, might be even better if i print it out for every one to read so i don't miss out the most important points.

hope you now have put the offending CBT95 in the wash :D :D

RTFQ

if you dont jump her soon, you seriously need a pacestick up your arrse

I have discovered that the worst time for this is often when you experience the apparent euphoria of a hangover that has failed to materialise or isn't as bad as you thought. In reality because one is still p1$$ed and your bodily functions have temporarily bypassed the small unimportant bit of ones brain that one thinks with, wiring eyes and imagination straight to testicles.

My personal worst experience of this came on the last day of term before Christmas at Uni. Having been out the previous night and got really quite drunk indeed I woke up in the morning feeling pretty good and headed off to a sadly unavoidable lecture in what I now realise were suspiciously high spirits.
That morning the plan was for people to deliver a series of lecturettes to the rest of the class. I drew third place and began my piece with the confidence of one who is drunk-but-doesn't-know-it.
About halfway through I had some visual aids to jabber about when I made the mistake of looking out at the assembled class and I saw her.
Third row back, aisle seat and exactly at eye level was a very nice redhead wearing a skirt that would barely pass for a belt and she was just in the process of crossing her legs. My autonomic nervous system thought it saw something and bang! Beat to quarters and prepare to run out the guns . The force with which my flies were assaulted almost doubled me over and left me standing bent forward to disguise things. Yet worse of all I still had to deliver some vis-aids spiel and the sudden rush of blood away from my brain had completely blanked my memory leaving me floundering on the opposite side of the stage from the cover of the lectern with no way of getting there without revealing my condition in profile to all and sundry. The following three minutes were the longest I can remember.
To cap it all in the Q&A session at the end the source of my discomfort had the temerity to smile sweetly and ask whether I all right because I "looked a little uncomfortable out there". She then leans forward causing a pronounced tightening of her t-shirt and another assault on YKK's workmanship. It took me absolutely ages to get all my notes in order and leave the lectern for next speaker.

Originally Posted by RTFQ

I went to lunch after Moodybitch suggested I get some scran (that's not the only thing she suggested, the minx

I merely suggested the best hangover cure was a fry up and a shag....I wasn't offering! Honestly, some people.

This lunchtime I'll be venturing back into the bar for some much needed scoff. Luckily, after a weekend that was little RTFQs equivalent of the a log run/fan dance combo, the wee guy is sleeping soundly in some nice securely snug black calvins, smelling slightly of scampi and McCoy's flame grilled steak crisps. If I'm quiet he might sleep right through (aaah, look - he's dribbling in his sleep)

'Mary' is working again today, and I'm feeling dangerous. I'm thinking I might don my ron hills and a nice singlet before I go downstairs and order a bratwurst . Even better - I've got one of those 'novelty' (read: "Funny to only the retarded or labotomized") Elephant trunk thongs which I could wear beneath the tracksters. I could ask if she needs a hand with her stockcheck out the back.

Either way I've got to show no fear, if i let her know I'm still embarrassed she'll have me over a barrel. I might go for a few freudian slips: "Hi Mary, goog week-END? I tell you, it's been a HARD ON today, but the boss gave me a good write-up - he said I'm a THRUSTER. Can I come on your t1ts?"

You know, the subtle approach.

Christ, you could be a Medic with that subtle approach

Christ, you could be a Medic with that subtle approach

Well I thought about the immortal line: "look, I've got to get amongst you otherwise Du lai will shove a pacestick up my arrse" but she might be into watching that sort of thing...

Incidentally, if she is into watching that sort of thing, I'm game if you are DL. Only enough to get her roadworthy obviously, then we can go twos up on her, but no goo swapping!