A fresh edition.

Today upon attending a job interview at the local university for a job on campus I found myself desperate to drop the kids off at the pool. The nice chap at the desk pointed me in the right direction to what turned out to be the only gents toilet cubicle in the builidng.

Little did I know that my arse would unleash a monster, a foot and a half of semi rigid log jam. After a third futile attempt to flush it down complete with half a loo roll as wadding I had to abandon the shitter and hope that my crime was not noticed by anyone as I sat in the interview room next door.

What I should have done is report the blockage as having been like that before I went in - then the blame would have fallen squarely on the fat IT dork who had been interviewed before me.

You should marry her, it'll shut her up.

Originally Posted by MOANING_BARSTEWARD

You should marry her, it'll shut her up.

and she can take your speeding points so you can keep your licence.......MWAHAHAHAHA

When we had Sky installed, we found out that there's a cavity about the size of a shoe box with an air brick (plastic jobbie) on the outside. The cold seeps in, so HiD bought some expanding-foam-in-a-can. I start to use it, and pause while it expands. She says "you have missed a bit there" pointing to a corner. I respond that the foam is still expanding. She says no. Cue muggins trying to back put of the argument by squirting a bit more into the corner.

And then a "muwa-hahahaha" in the distance as foam spreads ever so elegantly down the walls and onto the carpet, and out of the air brick onto the outside walls.

Tell us, how does Mrs Tool now communicate, what with her pie-hole being stuffed up with expanding foam?

I'm in a hurry. Need food at work. I'll just quickly microwave a couple of eggs in their shells.

Me:Be ok right? I'll go easy and check em.
EM: Huh? Oh yeah...cheah! Course!
"wOMmPff!.... wOMmPff!...." (deep, very loud explosions)
Me: kin ell. take ages to clear that up.

"Mwwwuhahahah..." etc

Originally Posted by FourZeroCharlie

Tell us, how does Mrs Tool now communicate, what with her pie-hole being stuffed up with expanding foam?

To put it mildly, we ain't ever going to get the can out of the other end of Mrs Tool...

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (for it is he): Divine Emperor, even though you are haram. I need your advice.

Emperoro Mong: Do tell, O Dark One, the force is strong in you....

Farouk: Do you think it would be a good idea to put a bomb in my underpants because my Imam told me to do it?

Emperor Mong: Fuck off, you daft twat. That's just bloody stupid. Mongness, unlike stupidity is a True Discipline. You have much to learn, O Thick One. What's that smell of burning?

Farouk: It's me pants.

Yank squaddie, somewhere in AFG:

YS: feck me, what the hell am I supposed to do with all this contraband that's been swiped from our terry detainees, hohaah?

Poof!

EM: Art thou a fuckwit like the rest of your colleagues? Put them in that oil barrel over there, add some benz, and Bobs your uncle, you'll be down the PX for a fat lad burger and a crappy beer in no time.

YS: are you sure Emp, it looks like there are copies of the holy Koran, the text of the religion of peace, tolerance and enlightenment in that lot.

EM: just fecking burn it you moron, who's going to find out anyway?

YS: Fair point your holyness, here we go, what's the worst that could happen?

Muhahahahaha, cue riots, death, and humble apologies from senior officers.


Sent from my iPhone using ARRSE so I should probably be working....

Scene: The Mother of Parliaments, Strangers' Bar, getting on for closing time

EM: Hey, Eric

EJ (MP): Hey, wazzup Emp?

EM: See that Tory over there, he's looking at your pint funny

EJ (MP but not for much longer): See you Jimmy etc etc cue sound of breaking glass and arrival of Knacker of the Yard

EM: Cunt.....that was too easy, Mwahahahha