My names not on the work ticket! If I just park it up hand the keys in they will never know it was me that bashed the rover while doing some personal off road training!!

They'll never notice the extra Kms on the clock, go on, go home and see the missus. You don't need to be back on the area until tomorrow.

Getting ready for the start of my full screws course and the first parade.
"You don't need to bother taking the laces out of your boots and clean behind the eyelets, they're not going to notice anything"

One visit to the jail and a beasting later......

EM to a young lad at 1 Div.

"Wear your gold plated anchor chain under your uniform for a parade. The RSM will not notice."

RSM to a young lad at 1 Div.

"What is that you are wearing? You're in MY world now".

EM. Go on its Sunday night, just have a couple more and WE will both get up at six and iron your Kit mate.

(0730 Monday morning) EM. Your late for parade mate

Barsteward I hate him

A thick shirt and a woollen jumper is all you need under a smock - no need to bother with rollnecks and fleece jackets.....they used to manage with a shirt and a serge tunic in Wellington's day - what's wrong with you?

OK Emperor Mong, you're right - I won't really need all that wet/cold weather gear...

:shiver:

EM: "Go on, pop that message into the SSM's office before you take the chainsaw kit back to the SQMS, what could possibly happen"

I was one of Emperor Mong's underlings a while ago...

The Emperor : Listen to my pronouncement Charlie_Cong for I have a great many commands for you.

Me : Yes, oh celestial Lord, I quiver as the Earth quakes when confronted by your wisdom

The Emperor : Your first long field exercise is imminent, and you must not fail me. I shall send you to Garelochead to live among the tress and camp and shoot things and that. Now listen very carefully.

It will be Summer and therefore very hot. I forbid you to take your puny crisp packet waterproofs, for donning them makes you a gayer, and - worse - if you wear them the enemy will hear you miles away.

Me : Errmm... Are you sure, Dark Lord of Mongness? I mean what if it rains a lot?

The Emperor : DO NOT QUESTION ME YOU PATHETIC IMBECILE. Scotland is the most favourable of my fiefdoms and I have decreed that its summers will be Carribean in their intensity. In my munificent generosity I give you one of these new Combat 95 jackets, so that you need not wear a heavy combat jacket. This is the new Imperial field uniform. Everyone will admire you, and hold themselves cheap and unfashionable in their issued gear.

Me : But, mighty one, it looks a lot like a shirt

The Emperor : Shut it fool, for you vex me and I do not want to tire myself by having you ripped limb from limb. You do not understand this wonderful gift I bestow on your worm like form. Look at the label - its says "Jacket" so shut your cake hole.

Me : Thank you, generous sir, I am pathetically grateful for this Ally attire. I won't need to pack my proper field jacket either, will I... get in!

The Emperor : Furthermore I will also bless you with immunity from Stag with some magic words. When your mucker approaches your basha at 3am, attempting to rouse you from your delicious well-earned sleep with the words "You're on stag, mate", answer him with the phrase "Nah, wrong hole, Charlie_Cong is the next basha on".

Use this wisely, and reflect as you do on my charity.

Me : You are indeed wise, mighty one, the Earth trembles with every one of your commands.

One week later, Charlie_Cong endures five days of continuous rain, piercing cold and a lot of stag.

When things just couldn't seem worse, and the only reason I wasn't sobbing quietly in shame and self pity was that I didn't have the energy, I appealed to him for help.

The Emperor : Get some hexy on for breakfast.... thats it.... no don't worry that the waters only been boiling for 20 seconds, the sheer concentrated heat of your gaze will make the baked beans cook. And don't bother digging your spoon out - you can stir your tea with sticks and squeeze the food into your gob"

So my plight could in fact become worse, as I ate cold breakfast, slashing my lips to ribbons on the metallic packet.

Cnut.

I left the Emperor's service after that and gave up my dreams of becoming one of his henchmen. I pleased to be able to say that I am now completely immune to his evil spell.

Charlie

You dont need leathers on your fireblade,only a vest and a pair of shorts....

A dark night in Bessbrook Mill, NAAFI bar closes and do_1 ends up with a party of RSCOTS enjoying a few tins watching the 12th on a grainy video.

EM whispers to one of the revellers.

"Take this amber nectar the drink of local peasants that is refered to as "poteen" and the evening will be merry and go by without incident".

Result - Over £1000 in fines from orders go into the Emporers coffers, Mrs do_1 not chuffed with my fine of £200 coming out of Novembers wages.

Ho Ho Ho resonated the emporers commanding voice in my head.