ARmy Rumour SErvice

**k13eod** · 22-12-2007, 17:40

A sleepless night was endured by K13eod last night. In the early hours of the morning I was awoken from alcohol induced sleep by the visitation of the Ghost of the Emperor Mong from Christmas Past. He took me on a visit …

EM: “Ah, K13eod, does though see thyself with me, the Mighty Twot of all Chrimble in Christmastime past? You, oh feeble one, are contemplating late shopping for gifts in this German festive setting. It is the time when you were married to Mrs K13eod and had a small child. Do you remember?”

K13eod: “I remember very well oh Great Embuggerance! I was wed to she he later kept house, car and all worldly belongings of K13eod, including all shirts not attached to his back; she of the great unforgiving nature.”

EM: “Yes, unworthy fool … watch the scene …”

And it is the day before the great turkey feast of Christmas Past; and K13eod has many coin in pocket, a tribute to his unnerving ability to save up for a special gift. And we watched as the young and foolish K13eod stood awestruck watching the massed hordes of Hunnish folk fighting over bargains in the shops. And we heard the words of the younger, wiser (?) Emperor:

EM: “Why push yourself into that battling throng K13eod? They are the Hun and will give up battle soon to return to their homes. Why not retire to a beer selling hostelry and await the massed kraut retreat and then pounce upon the remaining bargains. After all, your Chrimble is well prepared with a good stock of ale, spirits and foodstuff, All that remains is to buy the Frau a gift.”

K13eod: “Tis true Great To$$er and I am indeed parched and in need of rest; perhaps a quick beer in this festive decked bar will put me in greater spirit?”

And we watched as K13eod quaffed ale after ale, occasionally glancing out the widows of the German beer haven, watching the throng grow thinner. And eventually K13eod sups up and begins to don his winter outer garments. And the Lord of Anti-happiness says unto him:

EM: “Foolish dweller of ponds! You leave now as the minute hand strikes the hour of happiness? When beer can be had for a price of half coin? What do you think?

K13eod: “But Oh Lord of all that is Stupid, I have spent half the coin in my pocket; and outside the hunnish people leave the stadt and ease my gift buying. I should go now, purchase bargains and special wrapping accessories before the hour is late.”

EM: “No, no, no. Think fool! If you stay here and drink beer for half coin you will end up with twice the amount to buy gifts!”

K13eod: “Ehhh … oh yeah … that sounds reasonable?”

And we watched as K13eod quaffed ale after ale etc etc. And eventually donned winter outer garments and left the festively wrapped beer haven. And the Emperor is right; the Hunnish people have left the battle and returned to their homes. And shopping will be eased. But …

K13eod: “Erm, Oh Emperor of all the Fools, the Germanic traders all seem to have shut up shop and pi$$ed off? Emperor? Hello … where are you?”

And then he takes me to the great turkey feast the following day. And food is being eaten in silence. And crackers remain unpulled. And there is no wearing of paper crowns nor telling of seasonal one liners. And K13eods wine glass remains ‘unclinked’. And after dinner there is no loud laughter as we watch the ‘Only Fools’ Chrimble special. And when the small one retires to her bed, there are sobs as she wonders why mummy, despite being mostly good for the whole year, got no reward from Santa. And she wonders what terrible illness is borne by daddy that he should projectile vomit over the Christmas tree the night before Christmas. And K13eod and Mrs K13eod sit in armchairs separated by the great void watching the flicker of the TV without interest. And it is Holy Night. But it is most definitely Silent Night.

Apart from in the distance … Mwahahahahahahahahaha

**woody** · 22-12-2007, 18:21

You sure she wasen't in lebanon recently

The emperor certainly sees
you as a loyal henchman :D

**Jaboh** · 22-12-2007, 20:03

What the Emperor Mong/Chief Medical Officer doesn't tell you:

Never mind all the dire warnings on cigarette packets these days.if you really want to demonstrate that smoking is bad for you, take a picture of my fecking nose.

First, a little background...

Since the imposition of the smoking at work ban, I am legally obliged to get out of my company provided vehicle (which is only ever driven by me and I'm not allowed to carry passengers) for a cigarette. It's annoying and can be somewhat damp if it's raining but what the hey? Rules is rules.

So, I have all my fag breaks "al fresco" these days. Normally I would be fully "tooled up" with one of my two Zippo lighters but on this fateful morning I had neglected my pre flight checks and had allowed the fuel state to become critical.
No problem.
I'll just stop off at the nearest corner shop and buy a cheap disposable lighter, Job done.

Except....
Except, having placed said lighter in my pocket and then walked around for an hour or three, the flame control must have been dislodged and turned up to full.

Cue our intrepid hero deciding it was time for a lovely nicotine application care of Mr P Morris's finest cancer sticks.
Conditions are a bit windy so the time honoured technique of the bowed head and cupped hand are brought into play.

EM: There's no need to check the position of the flame control thingy, what could possibly go wrong?

Click...
Click...

Click...Click...Click...Click...

Click...

Click...

Whooooooosh

Oh f**kin Jesus H. Christ on a badger.

It felt like I'd stuck my nose in a blast furnace...

My nasal hairs went first, closely followed by the middle of my 'tache. I spent the rest of the day with the odour of burnt hair in my nostrils but that was nothing compared to the delights of the expanse of abused skin that fell off the next time I used my handkerchief.

So now I'm walking around frightening the children and looking like Coco the clown's demented half brother.

Don't smoke kids...
It's not big, it's not clever, it costs a fortune and, if you're not very careful, it makes you look like Nikki Lauda.

Jaboh, with a big, red and very sore patch on his nose.

EM you tw@t...

**MikeMcc** · 22-12-2007, 20:35

Originally Posted by Jaboh

What the Emperor Mong/Chief Medical Officer doesn't tell you:

Never mind all the dire warnings on cigarette packets these days.if you really want to demonstrate that smoking is bad for you, take a picture of my fecking nose.

First, a little background...

Since the imposition of the smoking at work ban, I am legally obliged to get out of my company provided vehicle (which is only ever driven by me and I'm not allowed to carry passengers) for a cigarette. It's annoying and can be somewhat damp if it's raining but what the hey? Rules is rules.

So, I have all my fag breaks "al fresco" these days. Normally I would be fully "tooled up" with one of my two Zippo lighters but on this fateful morning I had neglected my pre flight checks and had allowed the fuel state to become critical.
No problem.
I'll just stop off at the nearest corner shop and buy a cheap disposable lighter, Job done.

Except....
Except, having placed said lighter in my pocket and then walked around for an hour or three, the flame control must have been dislodged and turned up to full.

Cue our intrepid hero deciding it was time for a lovely nicotine application care of Mr P Morris's finest cancer sticks.
Conditions are a bit windy so the time honoured technique of the bowed head and cupped hand are brought into play.

EM: There's no need to check the position of the flame control thingy, what could possibly go wrong?

Click...
Click...

Click...Click...Click...Click...

Click...

Click...

Whooooooosh

Oh f**kin Jesus H. Christ on a badger.

It felt like I'd stuck my nose in a blast furnace...

My nasal hairs went first, closely followed by the middle of my 'tache. I spent the rest of the day with the odour of burnt hair in my nostrils but that was nothing compared to the delights of the expanse of abused skin that fell off the next time I used my handkerchief.

So now I'm walking around frightening the children and looking like Coco the clown's demented half brother.

Don't smoke kids...
It's not big, it's not clever, it costs a fortune and, if you're not very careful, it makes you look like Nikki Lauda.

Jaboh, with a big, red and very sore patch on his nose.

EM you tw@t...

Bugger! New keyboard please!

**mac_uk** · 23-12-2007, 02:26

Emperor Mong, April 1912

"What the fcuk do you need lifeboats for? This fcukers unsinkable"

**Emperor_Mong** · 23-12-2007, 10:03

I shall deny all rumours that I whispered to the Space Shuttle crew - "Go on, see what that button does!"

**woody** · 23-12-2007, 10:30

The emperor does like to give advice when it comes to flammables
Many years ago filling peak stove in shed .Proceed to spill goodly quantify
petrol on floor of shed .
Enter the Emperor
"Ahh Woody my loyal servant made a bit of a mess there haven't you?"
"Its just a bit of petrol I can leave it to evaporate it will be fine"
" fool have you not thought how hazardous vapours are in enclosed spaces dispose of this spillage quickly "
" better get some newspaper and mop it up then"
The emperor having outwited me not exactly a great feat ,Now reveals his evil plan.
Em " You could do that woody but then you'd have petrol soaked newspaper to dispose of why not use the zippo to burn it off"
Woody " Isnt that a bit dangerous ?"
Em " What care of you of Danger have you not at my Bequest hurled
yourself from hieghts dicked around with sharp objects ,electricity,explosives and risked death from drowning have you ever come to harm following my advice ?"
Woody " Numerous trips to A&E and a slightly mangled finger my lord"
EM "Silence worm I speak of major harm not injuries real men
would laugh at"
Woody " No my lord sorry"
Em " Good and remeber its a concrete floor concrete dosent burn
and have you not done this countless times with spilt meths"
Woody " your right as ever it is a bit peaky a gently burning pool of
Petrol would warm the place up "
Em "thats the sprit" retreating to a safe distance

Forgetting petrol burns completely diffrently to meths.Woody introduces zippo to petrol .Whoomp shed engulfed in flames and black smoke for a moment I stand there going wtf .The jump through burning petrol batter door open and breathe clean air again .
Surprisngly apart from layer of soot no major damge ensures
Emperor Mong " See mortal though your lack of faith disturbs greatly ,Have a not let harm befall thee ?"
Woody " Thankyou lord please guide me again "
Em " laughing evily have no fear for I will "
And he has kept his promise

**CaptainPlume** · 23-12-2007, 10:41

June 1914.

EM: Go on, Franz Ferdinand, it's a lovely day in Sarajevo. What bad could come of a nice drive through the city on the anniversay of the battle of Kosovo Polje?

**scotlass** · 23-12-2007, 12:15

Damn you all i thought you were just making up all this Emperor Mong stuff, until he told me a couple of weeks ago "Its fine to stand on that ankle again its not broken honest"....six pins one plate and 2 plasters later damn and blast him.

**Forks** · 23-12-2007, 13:44

"Canada, it's really hot, and it's the summer! Pah! Only mere mortals take warm kit. Yes, put that away, for a jacket is all you will need. And why use that big, heavy sleeping bag, when they issue with a jungle one?!"

Forget to tell me it gets a bit cold at night.