ARmy Rumour SErvice

T.F.R: righty ho its time i updated my wheels, i need something with a bit of space, not too expensive, cheap to run and easy on the fuel.
EM: you called T.F.R
T.F.R: errr no i didnt
EM: oh i didst hear the labour in your voice...... i doest know when my loyal pilgrims need me.
T.F.R: oh ok..............Im off to buy a nice wee ford or something. you know reliable, efficient kinda thing.
EM: oh i doest know just the thing young T.F.R............thouest need a charriot of exotic breeding..............a fast and italian charriot..........In red.......so wonderfull that the world raves of its excellence..............and a snip at the price of a three bedroom semi...............go on just test drive it you dont have to buy.
TFR: OK your the boss.

30 mins later
T.F.R: right ill take it.
EM: you wont regret it. italian is foreign for efficiency, reliability and economy.
T.F.R: OK boss.....ill trust you on this one


Thur 20 Dec 2007 2245hrs
T.F.R: ach bollocks this will be a balls ache trying to get the beast into the garage.
EM: no need young underling...............for this is a charriot of note........it is reliable................economical................ ...and efficient
T.F.R: I have heard that somewhere before!!
EM: just park the fecking thing in the drive it will be fine as it will be warm all night.
T.F.R: ok

Fri 21 Dec 2007 0700hrs -4C

T.F.R: em you bastard the engine is frozen fecking solid i canea start it and it will cost me a fortune


EM: mwwwaaahhhhhhhaaaa.........Italian sports cars the ride of your life..........unless you are driving them

Originally Posted by Emperor_Mong

Lo, and yet another fool listened and obeyed my words. For it shall come to pass that you may forgoe such trivial matters as punctuation, capital letters, grammar or even intelligible syntax when you post your favourite story.

Rest assured that all readers shall see through this, and will have the patience to disassemble and reassemble all that you have written, and rearrange it in their heads in order to attempt to try to understand what it is you have written. And it shall be that no-one then flames your arrse.

OBEY NO OTHER

You tell 'em, EM!

I worship you even more...

Litotes

I can feel one brewing ...

I'm away to visit the mother tomorrow for Xmas so I'm not going to worry that Central Heating keeps shutting down, I'll get the chap round before New Year's Eve - no worries! And when he comes round he can look at the drip from the boiler. Easy two birds - one stone.

It is only a 400mile round trip so I can safely ignore the strange whirring noises from the car ... Besides there is always the AA ... hang on what does the expiry date say April '07 ? Good no problem. EM will be there to look after me.

Think I will stop paying my TV licence fee, who needs a TV when you got great entertainment like the pearls on this thread.

This one has had me cracking up.

Originally Posted by BBear

CH, finally sorting out admin: Right, minging kit in wash, doss bag hanging up to air with poncho, wash kit replened. Hmmm, What's this? A Sandbag full of rounds? There must be over a thousand loose in here!

EM: Actually 1 and a half k, but you naughty boy! You gave a declaration not so long ago.

CH: I know i know! But at least I could be responsible to my mates and not do them over but handing them in to a responsible NCO?

EM: AMATURE! Your mates will hate you for the resultant thrashing that will ensue! Merely hide it cleverly on top of your locker, under your Bergan. When the CSM comes round to check tomorrow, he'll never pull your Bergan its place, thus pulling the sandbag over and showering himself with blank rounds in some weird chargable golden shower.

CH: I will obey I will obey....

BB spends hours going over everything, everyone knackard but proud, not a fault to be found. CSM even says that it's exemplary. CH's room would be the penultimate for the plt...

5 min later, plt in cefo crawling on sports pitches.

1 Plt "I'm up, he sees me, i'm down, etc etc"

EM: Really, far far far too easy!

and one image that sticks in my mind is..........

thus pulling the sandbag over and showering himself with blank rounds in some weird chargable golden shower.

Surely that was worth any beasting.

At this festive time of year we should all look into ourselves, read The Gospel According To Mong.

Jerusalem 8 1/2 months B.C.

Mary is sitting in the corner and there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, tears apouring from her cheeks. There is a flash of bright light and lo, upon her has come a vision.
EM "I am the Archangel Mong, what ails you young lady?"
Virgin Mary "O wonderous being, I am full of woe for I have disgraced myself and my family."
EM "How so historical wench?"
VM "Celestial one, I am disgraced as I had a bit of a skinful a couple of weeks ago and I find that I am now up the duff"
EM "You were raped?!!!!"
VM "Weeeeeeeell, at first" (Nod to Monty Python)
EM "You brazen slut and painted Jezebel, who was the father?"
VM "Haven't got the foggiest my lord, it was dark, I was pished. What shall I do your monginess? How do I tell my father this, he was all set on me marrying Joe from down the road, he's a carpenter and Dad wants him to fit the new kitchen and was going to give him me for doing it. He'll never want me now, with a bast@rd rug rat on the way."
EM "Don't worry your impressive norks love, I'll figure a way out of this for I am Mong, saviour of the downtrodden."
VM "Thank you lord"
EM "Got it, what you need to do love, go back to your old man, tell him that you have been visited by a mighty angel, so far this is the truth so you should get away with it. Tell the old codger that I have bestowed upon you the glory of carrying the new messiah, you have in your heavenly womb the Son of God. Tell him that the brat will grow up to rule mankind and you haven't been spreading you legs all over town. Joe'll still get hitched with you so he can think he is going to bring up the child of heaven, Dad'll get his new cupboards fitted. You get away with your wanton ways."
VM "But mighty one, won't that be a hell of a lie? Ho the hell will I keep it up? Telling people that I've got the Son of God in the oven? What happens if he come out ginger, they'll never believe that Gods brat is a Gwah. I see many problems with this plan lord."
EM "How dare you question my divine plans! Don't worry about it wench, it will all blow over in a couple of weeks, everyone will just forget about it and you can just bring him up normal."
VM "Of course Archangel, no one will be interested in this after his born. It will just pass away into history."



2007 AD

EM "Mwahahahahahahahahaha, long term mong plans are great"




Helmet, body armour, prepared for incoming

I'm going to hell for that one

Quality. :D

Outstanding AND topical :D

Originally Posted by mac_uk

At this festive time of year we should all look into ourselves, read The Gospel According To Mong.

Most excellent. Just imagine how the school nativity plays would be, if mong had his say.