ARmy Rumour SErvice

You don't need you roll mat there will be cot beds, in fact you don't need your bouncing bomb or Bergen because the fob shoot won't be on, you will stay in camp, so just take your black grip and jungle gonk bag.
How I suffered, you utter Twat!

EM "You won't need to put you ear defence in, the fog is too thick and will never clear so you won't fire the Hmg"

Me "yeah fuck it I don't need them"

DS "Oi dickhead can you not see that technical?, fire you mong"

EM"muwahhhhahahhaa you will now be downgraded for fucked up ears"

Originally Posted by The_Snail

EM: Hey, you crazy kids in Wakey, why not keep calling El Sluggo and then putting the phone down on her.

Gobshites: Hey, that's a really good idea. It's not like she's sat at home with the poorly sniffles waiting for her new camera that left Stockton at 0851hrs this morning and is a tad grumpy.

EM: Yeah, go on, do it, she won't mind. Oooh, send her some photos of someone's knob as well, she'll find that really funny. It's not like she'll post them on ARRSE or anything.

Gobshites: Cracking idea. We'll put Red Square on the phone to her as well, he's fucking wankered and will call her really sweet sweet names. "Here, mate, it's for you".

EM: Bwahahahaaaaaaa dickheads. Enjoy life in internet hell.

At least we never rang you at 03:00hrs!!

"have a kip you'll be fine, your stop isn't for miles"

Oh how I've never slept on a train since. All thanks to EM

Originally Posted by PrinceAlbert

That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever seen.

Check your phone records. If you notice, it was you that was dialling out. It was getting bored, and kept putting the phone down on people phone for them.

Perhaps if you weren't meth'd all the time you'd know this.

EM. "It is your dear sister on the phone. Why don't you answer?"

Me. "Fuck off you slant eyed cunt you are getting right on my tits".

EM. "You recall your cousin who is a cameraman in Salqin in the Iblid bit of Syria? Why don't you ring him? See if he picks up? Mwahhahahhahhah"

Me. "Slant eyed cunt".

EM. "Your wife wishes to buy a power hose to do her stable yard. Why not buy her one and show her how to use it. It would be a bonding thing and what could possibly go wrong?"

Me. "Might I suggest you walk whilst you still have the legs to carry you?"

EM. "Mwahhahhahhha"

Me. "Fucks sakes. Is there no end to it? How about I say I am sorry? Even if I don't mean it?"

Originally Posted by The_Duke

"Don't worry Duke - If you just roll over and ignore it, that sensation from your bladder the size of a space hopper will go away. You will then be able to enjoy a full and restfull nights sleep. There will definately not be the need for you to get up in agony in a short while having stayed awake while trying to ignore it"

I have just liked this, in 2007 I had no idea what you were talking about, 5 years later, I do now.

EM: Go on Breks change your location no one will notice

Breks: Aye, I suppose I will, not like I made a cock of myself with the spelling or drew attention to it by trying to point out how "Special" others are.

EM: You know it makes sense. (All the while texting Sinner to give him the heads up)


Hook baited and set, awaits bite

Originally Posted by CaptainPlume

Like shiny_arrse I had a sun-related command:

EM: Minion! You are playing in a Sevens tournament all day. There is no point applying sun screen as you perspire like Robbaeus before a spelling/grammar test & it will all be sweated off in no time.

CP: Right y'are, I wouldn't want to get slippery hands either so my famous one-handed carries & offloads were banjaxed.

Not a major problem as I normally have a pretty good base tan, but my Sevens strip has much shorter sleeves than anything else I own & of course I was in rugby shorts rather than decent length cargoes so I have a band of brimstone 2" up from each elbow & about a foot up from each knee...

I bought some crocs this weekend. They expose a half inch more instep than the shoes I normally wear...so I feel your pain. Literally! Bloody Emperor and his fashion hints!