ARmy Rumour SErvice

Can't be the man, he didn't do the back doors

I’m sorry to have kept you all waiting so long, I’ve been busy helping the police with their enquiries. I suspected that if they were able to connect the lezzer journal to me I might get a stripy suntan this summer. Here is a quick breakdown of the events since March:

The “Bitch of Endor”, my mother in law, is going doolalley, the early stages of Alzheimer’s apparently, I am currently trying to get my missus used to the idea of having her carted off to some nameless medieval German bedlam at the earliest opportunity.

“Cassandra Trotter”, the lanky streak of pi'ss useful lezzer has moved in with her piece of sushi in Düsseldorf leaving Eddy Waring to strum her own one string mandolin. Eddy has a brand-new bird apparently, my missus has clocked it but I haven’t set eyes on it yet. From our lass’s description it must be a gargoyle with tits.

I have to play my cards very close to my chest as my missus is very suspicious at present. Frau Schröder is still on the boil but we have to cover our tracks. Herr Schröder, the hapless Hermann is back in Arab arse kissing mode which makes it easier to set up a liaison at short notice. We have been back to the swinger club in Bielefeld twice this month; my co'ck thinks it is Christmas when we go there.

The war with my miserable neighbour has taken up most of my time lately and came very close to backfiring. He spotted my game camera and made an official complaint about being spied on. Since the camera was aimed at my back garden and my fence this bounced in his face. I’d taken great care in camouflaging the thing as a nest box so unless he saw me changing the SD card (dead of night stuff) he must have been peering into the lens hole. In other words he was in my garden. His case got thrown out before it even got to court.

Meanwhile he has lost his job, always on the cards since he got banned from driving. His ban will be lifted shortly but unless he finds work he won’t be able to keep the house for long. I was a bit concerned as having the old ars'ehole at home all day would give him plenty of opportunity to poison my dog, or the Peke (who now also considers himself to be my dog).

In order to chivvy up the matter of his bankruptcy I was considering the best way of planting the dodgy fuel bubble, I normally use a third party for this. Fate played into my hands however, some observant neighbour must have seen one of my hooded and furtive late night jerry-can journeys from his heating tank to his car and putting two and two together they phoned the police (he and his wife have made enemies all round it would seem). The bill came and took samples which caused an outraged misery to fly off the handle. He rushed round accusing my wife (I was at work) of making baseless accusations. She gave him a verbal tablet to which he responded by pushing her. She fell over the kerb and was badly bruised; fortunately there was a witness so my missus immediately reported the assault. I should have known better but when I found out I went round and kicked him all round his kitchen. Hence the recent police interest in me.

It could have got very nasty and I could have lost my firearms permit had it ever got to court. The Stadtsanwalt (public prosecutor) was however easy to convince that I was faced with a: violent, alcoholic, drink driving, dog poisoning (and by now fuel tax evading) antisocial bastar’d and with my sick mother in law and troubled marriage I was simply at the end of my very long tether. A few words and a character reference from my German copper mates didn’t hurt either. I look forward to his court appearance in July, my kids will be off school then so I may take some leave and sit in the public area. You know, to give the man some moral support!

Welcome back, glad to see its all ticking along nicely and you were not being experiencing the Paderborn version of an Austrian family cellar conversion!

Good to see you back C, ARRSE wasn't the same!

I now know how Lazarus's family felt. Welcome back.

So your not dead then! Phew - look forward to my monday morning reads again!

Cernnonus, glad to hear you're OK! Thought you'd gone for a pint with Lord Lucan and Shergar! Welcome back to the fold!

Thank God for that. Its good to have you back.