ARmy Rumour SErvice

**deerhunter** · 03-12-2007, 20:08

One of the ones that I can smile about now took place very shortly after I got married and my missis moved over to Germany. We received our first phone bill after being in the flat about three months or so, fucking about two and a half thousand marks' worth as I remember.

I confronted her with it, as I hardly ever phoned anyone, and she admitted being on the phone to her Mam and Dad most evenings. By evening she meant that she had waited until after 6pm so that it was cheap rate. By 6pm she meant 6pm German time, which meant that it was 5pm in England, hence international calls every day at premium rate.

That was the first one, there have been many. There was the one when she washed my Jumper Heavy Wool (you know, after you have got really good creases in it and all your badges look good and worn in). Well she did it, predictably on a 60 wash, got it down to Gurkha size zero. I then exchanged it, just in time for her to do it again.

**smartascarrots** · 03-12-2007, 20:28

Not so much bone as a bit of cultural confusion. The Jade Dream and I were at a do for her last firm. A very swank affair held in a posh hotel/country club on Loch Lomond, it was posh frocks for the ladies and the old James Bond kit for the blokes.

Basking in the rosy glow of several excellent martinis (well, you do, in a tux, don't you?) I watched my Pearl of the Eastern Sky try to explain the system of Chinese astrology to her colleagues. Her boss proffered his birthday, which by chance placed him in the Year of the Rooster same as her, prompting her to delightedly exclaim, "You're a cock!"

You know those situations in crowds where the background noise spontaneously dies away?...

**ugly** · 03-12-2007, 21:44

Originally Posted by DahDeDah

I got a call from my wife a few years back to say that she, and my sister who was driving, would be a bit late as they had missed the turning on the M25. I said ok, yeah, never mind .... give me a call when you're back on the M3.

Anyway about half an hour later and still no call so I called her and she confirmed that they were "still on the M25 and hadnt got round to the M3 again yet".

With a certain amount of incredulity, I asked, " what do you mean by 'haven't got round yet' ?"

She then said " well it just seemed easier to keep driving round the M25 until we got round to the junction again !!!

I just hung up and sat there shaking my head ...

Sure enough, an hour and a half (and 125 miles) later, she said, it's ok, we didn't miss the junction this time, see you in a while.

Dozy Bints

Sadly a mate of mine (Bloke) from Bury St Edmunds does this a lot when missing the M 11 jct. He drove up to the jct and lost his exhaust one year, instead of recovering to his mums in Burt SE he recovered back to Eastbourne, had the exhaust done at kwik fit and set off again. For some there is no hope regardless of sex!

**hondo** · 03-12-2007, 22:25

The car needs a new battery , wife go's off to buy one as a surprise . In the shop , sales person comes up and ask do you need help
Wife : looking for a car battery
sales : make, model etc
wife : don't know to each one, but i do know it's green and has a sunroof

Another time. going to a dinner . tex the daughter as she was on her way home by coach at the time and travelling on the motorway . Ask what the road was like between X&Y in the opposite direction as she pasted as we where going on that part . The wife , she wont be able to see that side of the motorway as she travelling on the wrong side

sorry got to go the wife here

any one got room in the dog house , if she reads this i will be

**Ranger_Danger** · 03-12-2007, 22:47

Same daughter, now 28, yes twenty feckin eight and the proud owner of her first home phoned me yesterday.

Her: Mum, what does a solid fuel fire burn?
Me: Erm, solid fuel, you know, coke, coal and the like. (She was brought up in a house with two of them FFS!)
Her: So does it burn logs then?
Me: Well I suppose it could but do you mean a log burning stove?
Her: No, its a gas one with "Solid fuel effect".
Me: Oh FFS!
Her: What?
Me: I take it you have bought a gas fire?
Her: Yes, but It has some coal that came with it but I want to get some logs for it coz I don't like coal.
Me: I will look at it when I come round sweetie and we will sort it out, don't try and light it till I sort out a gas man for you.
Her: Gas man?
Me: (Silently) Why God? WTF did I ever do? Why oh why?

Right I am stopping at that as my blood pressure is now up again.

**wet_blobby** · 03-12-2007, 23:11

Did a job the other day and stupidly drove my transit van where I shouldn't off, the roof was to low, so I backed out and snapped the ariel off in the process (no-one said ex-forces were clever..)

So there I was driving into town with mrs and youngest miss blobby in the cab with me, little miss blobby turns the radio on and after a few moments of static I say " sorry, doesn't work without this" waving the (now) detached ariel infront of her. "no problem" says little miss blobby whilst waving the ariel about and trying to tune in the radio....

"give it here, I'll make it work" says mrs blobby whilst winding her window down and thrusting her arm out to get a better reception with the broken and detached ariel.................gotta love 'em.

**Tubbyboy** · 03-12-2007, 23:43

Originally Posted by DahDeDah

I got a call from my wife a few years back to say that she, and my sister who was driving, would be a bit late as they had missed the turning on the M25. I said ok, yeah, never mind .... give me a call when you're back on the M3.

Anyway about half an hour later and still no call so I called her and she confirmed that they were "still on the M25 and hadnt got round to the M3 again yet".

With a certain amount of incredulity, I asked, " what do you mean by 'haven't got round yet' ?"

She then said " well it just seemed easier to keep driving round the M25 until we got round to the junction again !!!

I just hung up and sat there shaking my head ...

Sure enough, an hour and a half (and 125 miles) later, she said, it's ok, we didn't miss the junction this time, see you in a while.

Dozy Bints

At least she realised the basic premise behind the M25.

We were driving on the M25 one day with the Missus behind the wheel. She turned around to me and said: "Does it feel like we're going around in a circle to you?"

I was pretty much speechless for crying.

Then again, this is the same woman that asked "What meat is in Corned Beef?" - and many more...

Tubs

**Tax_Tw-t** · 04-12-2007, 08:33

Originally Posted by Ranger_Danger

Same daughter, now 28, yes twenty feckin eight and the proud owner of her first home phoned me yesterday.

Her: Mum, what does a solid fuel fire burn?
Me: Erm, solid fuel, you know, coke, coal and the like. (She was brought up in a house with two of them FFS!)
Her: So does it burn logs then?
Me: Well I suppose it could but do you mean a log burning stove?
Her: No, its a gas one with "Solid fuel effect".
Me: Oh FFS!
Her: What?
Me: I take it you have bought a gas fire?
Her: Yes, but It has some coal that came with it but I want to get some logs for it coz I don't like coal.
Me: I will look at it when I come round sweetie and we will sort it out, don't try and light it till I sort out a gas man for you.
Her: Gas man?
Me: (Silently) Why God? WTF did I ever do? Why oh why?

Right I am stopping at that as my blood pressure is now up again.

Reminds me of my first "romantic" night with the future Mrs T_T. Got her back to my place, lit the coal fire in my attic bedroom, lights off, flickering light from the fire playing across the ceiling, nice bottle of merlot, Gü hot chocolate souffles, etc. etc.

<Polite fade while the magic happens>

A short time later, enjoying the post-coital glow (hey, not going to claim any world records here), the future Mrs T_T asks:
"I'm too warm, how do you turn the fire off?"

I did resist the temptation to p1ss on it, not likely to give a good impression.

**cernunnos** · 04-12-2007, 10:20

Wet and stormy weekend. Our lass was on her way to the video store to get a DVD to keep the bread-snappers quiet.

I said "get something for us to watch when they go to bed, you know, something for adults. I'll stoke up the fire and we can crack a bottle or two!"

The dizzy bitch got "Titanic" out!

I suddenly remembered an urgent game of pool in the pub.

**Airfix** · 04-12-2007, 15:35

Sent the OH out to the shops to get some 'me' time today, and asked her to get Mike Jackson's biography for my dad for xmas.

She gets home, all very pleased with herself, 'It took me ages to find' she says handing over a book on some white plastic kiddie fiddling has-been popstar!

That's another bunch of petrol station flowers I've had to buy this month for 'making' her cry when I pointed out the error and we're only 4 days in!