ARmy Rumour SErvice

Someone please tell The Scarey One the difference between a leprechaun and a unicorn. She was banging on about Obama visiting Ireland at a large family lunch. "Do you think he'll see any unicorns?"...... muppets and tumbleweed.

Not the Scarey One, but Scarey Ones daughter... going to Cardiff to watch some footy at the Millenium stadium a few years back pick up, approach the toll booth on the bridge I say ok - get your passports out or they wont let us into Wales.

Junior DB "Oh DB, you're going to so mad, I haven't brought it"

Me "For fucks sake etc... etc"

Then I told her I was joking.

Get into Wales, she's looking at her mobile phone, she says;

"Whenever Ive been to foreign countries before I get a message saying 'Welcome to ...." why haven't I got one here?"

B O N E

Not the Doris but a female colleague who I was attempting to teach map reading to. One or two classics from her, whilst blatting south down the A3 near Bagshott she claimed to have found the road we were on, a quick glance showed she was looking at Tunbridge Wells. Only out by a county or so, but her defence was " Well the road goes from the top of the page to the bottom". This was shortly followed by " Is North always at the top of the page?"
" Yes " through gritted teeth.
" Oh so thats how you always know where you are".
Big bubble above head wondering if she'd be missed if I strangled her...

driving back from germany to uk after tour in n ireland 74,when the car engine seized solid,called the AA when they arrived guy tried to start car no go,he checked under bonnet and took off oil filler cap,and asked me why the engine was full of water mixed with the oil,turning to wife I asked what she had been doing whilst I was in ireland,her answer!each day before going to work my dad used to check the radiator of his wolsley and if he couldnt see the water he would fill it up to the brim,As you would thought I,so asked what had that got to do with our car,her answer well i checked ours each day and it always needed topping up,when asked where she topped up the answer was there pointing to the oil fill .
it didnt dawn on her that we had a mini and where she thought the radiator cap was on her dads car was actually the oil fill on ours,1 hire car and £300 for a gold seal replacement engine later she saw the error of her ways,needless to say on my next tour she got around on a bike and the car stayed locked in the garage.

As it was Friday I treated The Scarey one to a bottle of Sainsbury's cheapest.... bad move. Anti-histamines and alcohol don't mix. She hadn't told me about taking a hayfever pill. Actually, it ended up funny as she was so shoitefaced that "The Leith police dismisseth us" turned into twenty minutes of hilarity in bed..... AND THEN SHE SNORED HER FECKING HEAD OFF

I met a friend's husband (Dave) last week when we were out walking our dogs. So we were chatting when he looked over at my dog who was standing patiently waiting to move on.

Dave: "Oh, has he hurt his foot?"
Me: "No, why do you ask?"
Dave: "Well, he has his back leg tucked up into his belly."
Me: "Um... that's not his foot, that's his penis."

Dave was so embarrassed he couldn't get away fast enough!

Funnily enough he didn't mention it to my friend but she is very happy as he always mocks her if she says/does anything silly. Now she can retaliate.

Asked The Scarey One what colour the mirror was.... much amusement. An old trick, but endless laughter and a slap.

The Scarey One got in a right strop about something on the news... immigrants or that rapist being returned to the UK after a zillion years... "That really gets up my goat!"... brew, nose and laptop etc. Actually, if anyone has pictures of people getting up their goats I will pay handsomely.