The first girl to break my heart was 15 and I was 14. She was my mate's cousin, and one night he mentioned how racist his uncle (her dad) was. Much later, I rang up one night when I knew she would be out. In my best Jamaican accent, I prentended to be an ex-b/f trying to get back with her. He was very rude with me, and kept trying to fob me off, saying she no longer lived there, and he did not know where.

When I asked "What? Ya mean ya don't even know where ya own daughter is, man?"
He snapped "No! and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you!"
"Whassa marra, man? Ya gotta problem, bwoy? Is it coz me black? Huh?"
"Stay away from my daughter!" (phone slams down).

The next night, another shit-stirring mate of mine wanted a piece of the action. I refused to give him the number, but after much pressure, I made him turn his back while I dialed and handed him the phone (no re-dial or 1471 then). In a passable Jamaican voice, he asked for her. Her dad went apeshit, and my mate turned on him, threatening to "Bring de brudders down and mash ya face in, ya rass clat!"

Now, her dad was a real domineering type. Always had to have his own way. But here he was, having the fear of God put into him by a 16 year old schoolboy. With the threat of a gang of irate rastafarians visiting him, he became a bit more compliant "Now, there's no need for that...I'm sure we can talk about this..."

A couple of weeks later, I told my mate about it, and he told me he got in so much shit, (bollocking, grounded, pasting) that he considered grassing me up. The only reason he didn't was because I had something on him.

When someone comes into the office and asks to use the phone, then they ask for the extension number eg 'What's the number for MT?

Me - er 3477.

They dial and get the CO/RSM/Adjt much to their consternation!

There was a nameless Sgt who would ring the CO on the 25th of the month religiosly and say 'The money's in.' and hang up. Despite threats from above and being raised on every CO's Conf this did not stop - not even after the culprit had left the Regt until about 12 months after they left the Regt.

My personal best, 0100hrs call to National Rail Enquiries / Lost Property.
Lost Property; Hello how can we help?
Me; Err, well, I need your help.
Lost Property; We'll do our best, whats the problem?
Me; Well, I just got off the last train from London Bridge and have arrived at my girlfriends house. I've left a bag on the train.....I really need it.
Lost Property; Well Sir, If you've only just left it on a train, it wont be dealt with now until the morning.
Me; I was worried you'd say that. I had some condoms in that bag. And now all the shops are shut.
Lost property; (muffled laugh) Ah, I see. I'm afraid I dont have any advice for you there.
Me; One thing you might be able to help with, I've heard she wont get pregnant if she goes on top. What do you recon?
Lost Property; I really cant advise you there on that, but it doesnt sound like a good idea.

Also 118 118 will now answer any question you have.
Given the obvious language barrier - there is endless fun to be had here.
Me; Hello is that 118 118
118; yes sir how can I help you?
Me; I need your help, can you answer any question?
118; Yes sir what is your question?
Me; Well, I'm a bit embarrassed, but my girlfriend said she would leave me if I dont find her clitoris. I've got no idea what it is.
118; Ok sir you want to know where is your girlfriends clitoris?
Me; yep.

(Seriously it wont read back here half as funny as doing it yourself.......they are so deadpan, mostly because the poor fuckers have no idea what you're on about)