ARmy Rumour SErvice

"I'm sick of sprog tech cunts who think they can walk round the place like they're some sort of war hero when all they do is sit behind a desk all day, answering the fucking phone, in 'Ghan', utter fucking cunts"
Thats one of my own that is

On witnessing an appalling lack of marksmanship, either or both of:-

Look at that group, like a mad woman's shite!

What are you going to do when an effing great Russian comes over the hill in front with a big stick in one hand and a half-eaten baby in the other?

Me & a few others just back from R&R after a spell 'abroad' are detailed to act as escort for ammunition to ranges.
On the ranges are the rest of the squadron.
We war veterans sit around and fill mags for something to do.
Targets go up at 300m. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang
No targets fall. Targets lowered.
Targets go up at 200m. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang
Two targets fall. Rest of targets lowered.
Targets go up at 100m. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang
Maybe three or four targets hit. Rest of targets lowered.
Me (Shouting out loud) "Fix bayonets"

"we can stay here all night, i don't care my wife hates me anyway"!!
"did your mother have any kid's that lived"???
Drill bloke, welly bks after seeing one of the bods spit on the ground; "thats the best bit of you on the deck wankstain"!!
"Don't just stroll along with yer hands behind yer back like prince fuckin' Charles, pick the fuckin dogends up!!"

"What we doing tomorrow, Corporal?"

"Fookin' wimmin..

.. in the fookin' wimmin pool.."

Chunky Chambers, 1 LI, John Moore Barracks about 100000 years ago.

Sgt: Oi! Split-arrse! How do I like my coffee?
Moi: *sigh* Black and bitter like your men, Sgt.
Sgt: And my women? How do I like them?
Moi: On their backs, legs open, bacon sarnie prepped to go, Sgt.
Sgt: Well remembered, Doris..... shame you don't make either grade.

Originally Posted by UKSF

Used to know this old geezer who was fond of saying: "I was a flying when Pontius was a Pilate."

"I was in the MRS the day the Dead Sea reported sick."

Sgt Big Ugly Paddy in 11 Sigs all those years ago, "When I say 'Shit' you will all ask 'How much and what colour Sergeant?'"

Same fella, "You (in that strange high pitch) yes, fucking you. Why are you looking at me? Do you fancy me? Do you want to fuck me?"
Stunned sprog "No, Sergeant"
Sergeant "Why not, am I fucking ugly? Are youse calling me ugly? You fucking are aren't you? Fucking take him away Corporal"....cue blurry feet heading to the guardroom.