Originally Posted by tattybadger

Another one that occurred to me while I was on the throne inspecting the produce.

The thrusting Major/Lt Col who spends the entire presentation thinking up a question that he considers to be so intellectual it will assist him on his meteoric rise thro the ranks and will impress the speaking dignatory.

It is normally presented by the pompous twit in a very loud, plummy voice (if he's a jock with an enhanced burr for the benefit of anyone who did not know that Angus/Hughiie/Willy etc were not jock names) and preceded by a long and thoughtful "ERMMMMM - General I agree with you on the point you made on....... could you clarify ...... and what....."

WHY?

I saw one of these delivered to a very senior officer in the Churchill Hall.It was of such crashing stupidity that the poser(in both senses) had clearly been asleep during the major(again in both senses) part of his career.The presenter took a moment and said"Ask your QM" and carried on.Meanwhile the gollum-like creature who noted down the names of those who asked questions was seen to be laughing as he asked his neighbour if he knew the f*ckwit's name

Last Minute Instructor

If you turn up for work on Monday morning and the boss asks if you have done the All Arms Underwater Semaphore Signallers course (or whatever) don’t even bother replying that you have - just turn on your heel and get over to the Training Wing because you know that the next thing out of the boss’s mouth will be ‘Good – I knew you had, The WO i/c Training has broken his leg/gone AWOL / been posted for shagging the Assistant Adjutant/hamster has died and there are 30 bods over at the Training Wing waiting to be instructed.’

Don’t try to protest that you did the course back in 1989, have not been anywhere near Underwater Semaphore since then and things have changed a lot, just get over there and start either bluffing like feck or shimpfing that you have been dicked.

If you are a student on a course with a last minute instructor sit back and relax, as the course will quickly descend into a chat session with hour-long NAAFI breaks.
Everyone will pass the course; Last Minute man will read the answers out as you take the test because he is p!ssed off with being jiffed and it’s no skin off his nose who passes and who doesn’t.

The "I've swallowed the Pamphlet" Instructor.

Commences the lesson by being in the classroom half an hour before the start, laying various handouts and training aids on the desks. Ensures that the powerpoint/video/ohp/pc are working correctly at least 27 times in the 5 minutes before he starts.

When the class is assembled, will insist on describing the escape route in event of a fire, the exact sound of every possible alarm, and take a complete nominal roll (even if he has been teaching the class all week).

Will spend 5 minutes setting the scene, ask hundreds of questions, then proceed to correct each and every answer with the exact quote from the book, all without reference to a sheet of paper/notebook/pamphlet/fag packet.

10 minutes before the end of the lesson, will insist on everyone clearing their desks, and hands out a "quick written test" to make sure everyone has stayed awake (as if they would dare fall asleep, then fail everybody because they have not correctly quoted the chapter, page, paragraph and line number for each answer.

Tw@ts. :(

Course Billy

This guy waltzes into the classroom half way through the first day of the course without the DS batting an eyelid. You later discover his late arrival was due to the fact he was on another course immediately preceding, in another part of the country, and only finished yesterday, so he arranged special dispensation from the staff to arrive late. Don't bother trying to make friends with this guy or include him in your social circle, as it is guaranteed he will not be at the course function, or appear at all on the final day, due to the fact he has already departed for his next course.

The Spy

This guy appears as the only civilian on a course full of military personnel. This is usually related to some new type of equipment entering service. He is unknown to the guys, who have all met or heard of each other, and introduces himself simply as "Paul." Polite enough he is deliberately sketchy about who he is or exactly why he is on the course. This lack of honesty or interaction results in the decision to not share with him the answer grid for the multi choice exam that a wily old Staffy student has obtained from a source of his, resulting in him achieving by far the lowest mark in the exam. This becomes doubly amusing when you later discover he is the chief designer/engineer for Westlands/PBN/Rolls Royce/British Aerospace etc.

The "quite high up" woman.

This is one you will encounter on civilian courses you may attend as a sole military representative(or generally in life if you are in the Police.) While not publicising it you make no special secret if asked that you are military and she will be delighted as she now has a chance to tell you all about herself, and specifically about some distant relative of hers who is also in in the military (or Police), however as she continually points out is "quite high up". She is unable to give exact details of who this person is or what rank they are, but mentions it repeatedly to try to impress you, and hint that in some way she is now grading your performance for the purposes of a subsequent report to this person. You later discover he is at most one rank higher than you, but more usually a Lance Jack (Constable) in stores somewhere.

THe Course Jock

Present in excessive numbers on all courses, thereby giving the lie to poor Scottish recruitment in British Army. Wears silly hat. On more 'formal' courses, appears in multi-coloured uniform (possibly incl skirt) thereby inevitably becoming butt of course humour from Day 1. Hails from obscure suburb of Glasgow and is even more unintelligible then Course Gurkha. Usually notable for lack of humour. Becomes incendiary in bar after a few pints. Asks sensible questions which DS entirely unable to understand, let alone answer, due to lack of available interpreter. Passes with average score for being a decent enough bloke.

Have we seen the foreign student yet?

Turns up without the first idea about anything related to the cse.
Barely speaks enough english to order a kebab.
Never on time.
Kit all over the place.
When it's cold puts on every single item of kit that he's been issued.
Never gets further than 100 metres in any PT.
Has eyes out on stalks and looks like a stunned mullet.
Doesn't bother turning up for the exam (or if he does - cheats).
All the DS smile at him to his face 'cos they're terrified that he will go AWOL, but despise him behind his back.
Never changes his sheets.
Gets horrendously pished down town and has to be bailed out by the comdt.
Finds english ladies ultra attratcive and has a permanent erection when they are around - they, howevere, hate him.
Prays when it's time to work.
Ingratiates himself with the DS.
Ends the cse knowing less than when he started.

Then .... comes third on the cse and is presented a huge plaque/medal!

Originally Posted by ViroBono

10. The Minger

Wears the same clothes for the duration of the course, covered in stains of indeterminate origin. Has lank hair and a fine covering of dandruff on shoulders, acne with buboe-like spots and fingernails which would support a significant potato crop. The mouth, when opened, reveals a row of rotting stumps and breath that can strip paint at 30m.

Always the first to volunteer to be the demo casualty, or if not chosen for this role, to be the first-aider.

Usually has an obscure job in local government, and 'lives alone since mother passed on'.

Always gets the seat next to mine.

You forgot the WMD-quality B.O.

The Human Tape recorder

No matter how complex the course content The Human Tape Recorder sits impassively, sometimes doodles, picks at fingernails, and stares out of the widow or at the ceiling. Never asks a question although he may spark into life once in a while but only to clarify a point. Handouts are flicked through very briefly and then disregarded.
Scores 90% + in the exam. The fecking b’stard

That would be me then, I'm still doing it at work, handing in my multi guess paper with 100% whilst everyone is putting away course books. Now as I am older I tend not to be still pissed by midday.

You could apply each and every one of these stereotypes to members of the OTC. :D

Originally Posted by tattybadger

Have we seen the foreign student yet?

Turns up without the first idea about anything related to the cse.
Barely speaks enough english to order a kebab.
Never on time.
Kit all over the place.
When it's cold puts on every single item of kit that he's been issued.
Never gets further than 100 metres in any PT.
Has eyes out on stalks and looks like a stunned mullet.
Doesn't bother turning up for the exam (or if he does - cheats).
All the DS smile at him to his face 'cos they're terrified that he will go AWOL, but despise him behind his back.
Never changes his sheets.
Gets horrendously pished down town and has to be bailed out by the comdt.
Finds english ladies ultra attratcive and has a permanent erection when they are around - they, howevere, hate him.
Prays when it's time to work.
Ingratiates himself with the DS.
Ends the cse knowing less than when he started.

Then .... comes third on the cse and is presented a huge plaque/medal!

If this individual possesses a pager/mobile phone you should obtain the number and everyone page/text/call him when he disappears for Friday Prayers or any of the other 5 times a day he spends with his head down and his arrse in the air(for religious reasons )