ARmy Rumour SErvice

and of course

Instructors pet.
laughs like a hyena at any joke made by DS especially if it's at the expense of someone else on the course , but is universally despised , ESPESCIALLY by the DS , who use him/her as a gofer come lackey for the whole course.
scrapes a pass.

course flirt .
tries to bat her/his eyelids at anyone they see as being able to help them through the course , does minimal work apart from on getting one or more of the DS into a "compromising" position , shows no knowledge of subject or practical skills whatsoever.
generally comes first (loudly) and passes as top student.

course backstabber.
will normally appear to be the nicest person on the course , but a few days in, you will realise that whichever member of the course is not present is getting a royal slagging initiated by this person , generally in earshot ,but not directly in front of the DS.You suddenly feel uncomfortable every time you can't see them.
passes course with a black eye.

Don't forget:

The old Warrant Officer. Nobody's quite sure why he's on the course, though it possibly has something to do with him going to the TA as a PSAO. Never gets asked any questions by the DS, never gets asked to demonstrate anything. When it comes the tests at the end, it turns out that he's almost stone deaf and only understood one word in seven. Passes with a slightly above average grade.

The Swot

Always a female who appears to think she's still at school. Always wants to sit in the same place in the classroom, near the front. Her briefcase/Daysack contains a huge amount of staionery, with several pencils (in case one breaks), several biros (in case one runs out), a ruler, a spiral notebook and sheets of A4 paper for making notes (which she does constantly, even when the DS say there's no need because there's a handout). Everything is marked with her name. Her course workbook is neatly covered in sticky-backed plastic or brown paper. Does not join other course members in the bar at the end of the day, but returns to her accomm to read all the notes she made. Demonstrates worrying stress level before and immediately after tests. Smiles smugly when she passes course with just above average grade.

and lets not forget the instructors themselves , they to surely fall into stereotypical categories.

my instructor on this first aid jolly looked like Leslie Crowther , i had to keep resisting the urge to shout
"COME ON DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN" and run to the front of the class waving my arms and "woo-wooing"

1.the old but bold.
passed over for promotion so many times he calls pontius pilot a nig , bitter and twisted beyond belief , descends into confused chaos if told to use any modern kit (this means an overhead projector, to him powerpoint means a Nazi salute)
course progresses in spite of him.

2.the storyteller.
starts the lesson well , but at the slightest distraction will tangent off into a major lamp swinging session , all harmless good fun , but course progress is slow.

3.the young thruster.
dangerous one this fella , just passed his instructors course , with the single intention of f*cking the course around because he got a hard time on his course for being a swotty nig.
will invariably teach , as he was taught to teach , by the book , no humour or ad libbing allowed on pain of death.
corse progress is non existent because he will fail everyone on day 3

4.the reluctant instructor.
makes it clear on day one he shouldn't be here teaching you , because he's got better things to do , rolls his eyes and tuts at bone questions , and encourages the slower members of the course with comments like
"can anyone else help cot death at the back?"
course dies of lung cancer from all the fag breaks.

any more for any more ?????

Still on the students:

The massively over-qualified but needs to do the course so he can instruct on a course fifteen levels above this one. He's from SAS, Pathfinders or some strange organisation with funny initials. His first aid kit looks like the stockroom at Guy's Hospital casualty department. Once successfully treated himself for multiple gunshot wounds in an African country nobody has heard of. Doesn't big-time and helps the DS during practical demonstrations, pitching his demonstrations at the perfect level so that he doesn't overawe the other students or overshadow the DS. Makes a series of errors during the practical phase of final test and must humiliatingly retake when everyone else has gone home.

The ex-QA

Hasn't worked in health care since she left to get married and have children. Recently returned to work and now has an office job, but feels that as she still puts RGN after her name she's the natural choice for first-aider. Constantly challenges DS with questions based on obsolete methods. Argues that only qualified nurses should be allowed to operate AED. Has difficulty during CPR practical as enormous arrse obscures DS view.

But what is it about anyone who has to teach others that makes them forget how to use a video recorder? And why is it they always call for help to the blonde who has even less of a clue?

Originally Posted by BlotBangRub

The Shadow.

Some talentless nonentity dweeb type that you happen to have the misfortune to encounter usually within minutes of arriving and who to his delight discovers that he is from the same capbadge/part of the country etc as you, and as such he spends the entire course following you around and treating you like you were some long lost buddy. He latches on to you immediately, and as a consequence the rest of the course assume you are, as he deludes himself, close friends. This association with a completely humourless and characterless individual then completely ruins what little chance you had, if any, of flirting successfully with the females on the course, who simply assume you are loser mark II.

The Embarrassment.

Similar to the Shadow, he also miraculously finds you immediately upon arrival, and has some connection such as capbadge or region, and after having made sure everyone knows it, he proceeds to behave in a moronic, boorish or simply idiotic manner, tarnishing you, your regiment or region in the process to such a degree that if, by virtue of severe damage limitation you manage to actually encounter another course member on the urine up who is prepared to speak to you and give you a chance, they will invariably comment that they are delighted and surprised that not everyone from your capbadge/region is a complete *. Unfortunately the rest of the course do not have the benefit of this revelation.

Both of the above have a magnetic attraction to me,every time..............